My War on Jackie Evancho

25 Sep

 

 

This is me. On my laser-shooting, rainbow-winged battle unicorn. I'm totally going to win.

 

I need to become more prominently positioned on the Google.

Now, I have certainly come a long way since my double-yoo-tee-eff is the jackie blog days with 7 subscribers [I love all 7 of you very dearly] and a tiny following on my Lollipop Tuesday series.  And while I’m incredibly grateful for how far this little blog has trudged along on its postaday adventure, it’s time to get serious here in the home stretch.

Which is why I need to take down Jackie Evancho.

You see, I have a number of famous Jackies that are impeding my path to becoming the most important Jackie in the eyes of the Google. I’m not so much concerned about search results for “The Jackie Blog”, where Google lists me as 2nd (varying, of  course, according to what Google pulls through personalization for you), though it eludes me as to how my blog is a direct match to those terms and is still listed as second.  It’s not much worse for “Jackie Blog”, where I am at least listed at the bottom of the page or somewhere on the second.

But the real contest I’m after is the big potato – the big mama – the grand of the grands: Searching “Jackie”.

That’s right: I want to be the first hit offered to people when they simply search my first name.  It’s not a matter of ego, it’s just a matter of how incredibly freaking awesome that would be.  But right now my quest is being seriously derailed by a few more prominent figures.  Namely, The Official Site for Jackie Robinson, The Official Site for Jackie Chan, and the number one spot: Jackie Evancho.

Jackie Evancho, for those of you who do not know, is a young girl who went on “America’s Got Talent”, got 2nd place, and skyrocketed to little-girls-who-sing-pretty-well-for-their-age fame.   She has a CD and she wears pretty dresses and she sings songs that make her parents proud, her manager rich, and other mothers across America push their children to follow suit.  Think Charlotte Church, but blonde.  And less talented. (No offense to little Jackie Evancho – I was just much more a fan of Charlotte).

I told you all of this so that you don’t google her.  I say again don’t google her.  I gave you the only pertinent information.  You can YouTube her if my asking you not to google her has only fueled your desire to seek her out.  But if you do the google, you’ll only hinder my sabotage and keep her at the number one rank.

I’m kind of offended that she sits at the number one seed.  Not because I’m on page 26 (which, you know, doesn’t help), but because I’m pretty sure Jackie Chan and Jackie Robinson (not necessarily in that order) are more deserving of being the most accessible Jackies.  After all, they were here first.  But there’s no room for being offended in a Google war.  I have to simply get down to business and start employing people to search for Jackie, scroll to page 26 (or wherever it’s hovering for them), and click on my name.

After about 5 years of aggressive campaigning, I might be able to be the number two seed on the search ranks, making Ms. Evancho shake in her by-then-teenager-sized boots.

I can probably pull off the rest through sheer intimidation and rude marketing tactics.

However, as I was writing this post and realized that my search rankings aren’t a decent sample because Google knows I go to my site all the time and would list it higher in the rankings for that reason, I asked my father to do a test run for me on his computer instead.  I used his results instead of mine, hoping they were a better indication of what other people see when they search.  When he finally scrolled to page 26 (he’s incredibly determined), I told him to make sure he clicked on my result before he closed the window.  When he did, his eyes got huge and he said “Wow.  That’s really purple”.

I made some offhanded remark about how there is construction underway and to be revealed soon (no, really), but then it occurred to me: My father had no idea my blog was purple.  And my blog has been purple since January, when I started this quest.

Conclusion: my father has never visited my blog before.

I remember telling him I wrote a post on how I suspected him of being a drug lord, but he didn’t read it.  I also wrote a post on his adventures in being a Dungeon Master, but he apparently didn’t read that either.  And then there’s the one about how I almost engulfed him in hellflames.  I’m writing content specifically tailored to him and he still doesn’t read.

So I guess I need a change of plans here.

Second aggressive campaign target: Jackie Evancho. 

First aggressive campaign target: My dad. 

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22 Responses to “My War on Jackie Evancho”

  1. beaconofhope June 15, 2012 at 2:54 pm #

    How disgustingly self-centered of you! Jackie Evancho has a wonderful heart- shame on you for your own self-interest! Jackie Evancho is a beacon of hope for America and for that matter, The World!

    • Jackie June 22, 2012 at 8:43 am #

      I really never said anything bad about her, but I can understand that you might be offended by a humor blog if you love her so much to say that she is a beacon of hope for the world. That’s a heavy statement, friend. Super fandom knows no bounds. To each his own?

      • Knightly Once March 22, 2014 at 3:32 pm #

        It is clear you know nothing about Jackie Evancho. I guess that is because you do not want to google her. You feed your readers a lot of mis-information about Jackie Evancho, and then tell them not to google her. If they are not interested in good music then there is no reason for them to learn all there is to know about Jackie Evancho. Why should anyone who cares nothing for great music follow her. Just because she is the youngest singer to ever have gone platinum, and the youngest to have had 3 albums debut on Billboards Top 10. Sure she has sung for the President of the United States, twice. And for the Emperor of Japan, with an open invitation to the visit the Emperor when ever she is in Japan. Her first PBS Great Performances Special became the most viewed and raised more money for PBS than any other. And her second PBS Great Performances Special did great also. PBS is working on her third PBS Great Performances Special which will be released later this year. Solo concerts across the U.S.A. Guest appearances in Japan, Tiawan, England, Canada, St. Petersburg Russia, National Christmas Tree Lighting, National Prayer Breakfast and Dinner, at opening of the International Economic Forum, Britain’s Got Talent Final, AGT Finals, Canada’s Got Talent Finals, A Capital Fourth 2013, Cirque du Soleil One Drop 2013, along with more charity fundraisers than I can remember. And Jackie Evancho is also the ambassador for Mission: Humane.
        There is so much more that this International Superstar has done in the last 4 years that it would take a large book to list. Robert Redford ask Jackie Evancho to play his daughter in his movie, The Company You Keep, she did, and she was great. The CEO of Guess asked Jackie Evancho to be a model for Guess, she did, and she was great.
        I can type no more. My advise to anyone who wants to be informed about what is happening in the world of great music, would be to learn everything you can about Jackie Evancho. Google Jackie Evancho.

      • Jackie March 22, 2014 at 8:58 pm #

        That is an impressive list of accomplishments that are probably the reasons she’s firmly positioned on the Google machine. Thanks for making us all smarter. She kind of also sounds like Chuck Norris when you put it like that.

        Seriously though, this is a humor blog. We take things lightly here.

  2. Michelle September 26, 2011 at 2:42 am #

    Speaking of your blog…where have your archives gone? I was enjoying reading the oldies-but-goodies posts.

    • Jackie September 26, 2011 at 9:27 am #

      Ah – I sort of deleted them.

      I imported them long ago from my old blog and it just seemed strange to me to not just keep this as its own since I still have hosting at the old one. It also makes it a lot easier to see how many posts into the year I am since I can just see how many total posts I have. So you can find all my pre-365 challenge material at http://jacklynriffic.blogspot.com .

      The link is also posted on the “What’s This All About” page for easy access.

      Thanks for poking around the archives!

      • Michelle September 27, 2011 at 2:57 am #

        Fab! Thanks for the link! :)

  3. SzaboInSlowMo September 25, 2011 at 10:46 pm #

    Great Post. So great, in fact that I’m bestowing the Versatile Blogger Award on to you. You have to visit my site to accept at http://shecantbeserious.com/2011/09/25/the-versatile-blogger-award/

    There are a few things you have to do to pay it forward to other bloggers, but it’s not too bad.

    Congrats!

    • Jackie September 26, 2011 at 9:24 am #

      Thanks, Szabo! I appreciate it :)

  4. whatimeant2say September 25, 2011 at 8:14 pm #

    I love this post! It is so funny, and made me laugh out loud! It also made me realize I need to google myself and figure out who needs to be on my hit list.

    • Jackie September 25, 2011 at 8:24 pm #

      Aw shucks, thanks. Yes, Google yourself! Not only is it good for blog goals, but it’s also interesting to see what you can turn up. I found a website hosting varsity vball records from back in high school and found myself still listed in two of them. Epic.

  5. Jules September 25, 2011 at 1:26 pm #

    LOL She-ra! I had such a huge crush on her when I was a little boy.

    • Jackie September 25, 2011 at 8:29 pm #

      Jules, you’re fantastic.

  6. pegoleg September 25, 2011 at 12:41 pm #

    Jacke Evanavich? Never heard of her. Just a flash in the pan compared to your soon-to-be-burgeoning fame.

    As far as your dad, ditto with my daughter Gwen. I keep writing more and more outrageous stuff about her, secure in the knowledge that she’ll never read it. Maybe when I win a huge literary prize someday she’ll say: “I didn’t know you write, Mom!”

    • Jackie September 25, 2011 at 8:31 pm #

      When she graduates and does the adult thing you guys can be friends and she’ll take a gander in the attempt to try to get to know you better.

      If not, then how super embarrassing for her when you skyrocket to writing fame and folks take her aside to comment on her frequent appearance in your famous posts. Then she’ll be sorry.

  7. athensboy September 25, 2011 at 12:12 pm #

    Back in the day when I did Athensboy’s Blog, I was so proud of myself for being #1 on Google, but then Athens Boy’s Choir came along and snuffed me out. Yuccchh! I think every kid and parent was checking the Google daily for some Nancy little choir. I can’t even imagine such a thing. In my day, we played baseball, and couldn’t wait to get a car to race and maybe get a real date with a girl! Keep your chin up, kid!

    • Jackie September 25, 2011 at 8:32 pm #

      LOL “nancy little choir”. Bitter much? What’s with these singers taking the #1 slots?

      Maybe I should do a sing-along blog, a la Dr. Horrible.

  8. misswhiplash September 25, 2011 at 11:45 am #

    would it help you any if ALL your blogging friends googled Jackie, would that make it get to number 1.

    I am willing to help

    • Jackie September 25, 2011 at 8:33 pm #

      it certainly would if everyone clicked on me and not ms. evancho pants. But that’s a lot of work for no pay and I’m sure we’re all already doing enough of that. haha!

  9. lunarmoth September 25, 2011 at 10:07 am #

    Heh — very funny post! Except that the part about your dad is a little sad. You would think, in almost 3/4 of a year, he would have glanced at it once or twice, knowing you wrote things about him. Perhaps he doesn’t use computers all that often?
    My partner doesn’t read my blog. Of course, reading it may seem redundant and time-wasting to her, since I always tell her what I wrote, anyway, but it would still be nice if she actually read it — maybe even subscribed! ;-)

    • Jackie September 25, 2011 at 8:35 pm #

      Oh he’s a huge computer guy. But I talk his ear off enough – I’m sure he doesn’t want a double dose. ;)

      Maybe your partner could be like Dave and subscribe to support but only read the occasional post to comment on now and then again. It’s a good tactic indeed.

Trackbacks/Pingbacks

  1. A Google Adventure « Novel Journeys - October 16, 2011

    [...] post got its birth from this one over at The Jackie Blog.  If you’re too lazy to click the link, it’s all about the [...]

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