My War on Jackie Evancho

This is me. On my laser-shooting, rainbow-winged battle unicorn. I'm totally going to win.

I need to become more prominently positioned on the Google.

Now, I have certainly come a long way since my double-yoo-tee-eff is the jackie blog days with 7 subscribers [I love all 7 of you very dearly] and a tiny following on my Lollipop Tuesday series.  And while I’m incredibly grateful for how far this little blog has trudged along on its postaday adventure, it’s time to get serious here in the home stretch.

Which is why I need to take down Jackie Evancho.

You see, I have a number of famous Jackies that are impeding my path to becoming the most important Jackie in the eyes of the Google. I’m not so much concerned about search results for “The Jackie Blog”, where Google lists me as 2nd (varying, of  course, according to what Google pulls through personalization for you), though it eludes me as to how my blog is a direct match to those terms and is still listed as second.  It’s not much worse for “Jackie Blog”, where I am at least listed at the bottom of the page or somewhere on the second.

But the real contest I’m after is the big potato – the big mama – the grand of the grands: Searching “Jackie”.

That’s right: I want to be the first hit offered to people when they simply search my first name.  It’s not a matter of ego, it’s just a matter of how incredibly freaking awesome that would be.  But right now my quest is being seriously derailed by a few more prominent figures.  Namely, The Official Site for Jackie Robinson, The Official Site for Jackie Chan, and the number one spot: Jackie Evancho.

Jackie Evancho, for those of you who do not know, is a young girl who went on “America’s Got Talent”, got 2nd place, and skyrocketed to little-girls-who-sing-pretty-well-for-their-age fame.   She has a CD and she wears pretty dresses and she sings songs that make her parents proud, her manager rich, and other mothers across America push their children to follow suit.  Think Charlotte Church, but blonde.  And less talented. (No offense to little Jackie Evancho – I was just much more a fan of Charlotte).

I told you all of this so that you don’t google her.  I say again don’t google her.  I gave you the only pertinent information.  You can YouTube her if my asking you not to google her has only fueled your desire to seek her out.  But if you do the google, you’ll only hinder my sabotage and keep her at the number one rank.

I’m kind of offended that she sits at the number one seed.  Not because I’m on page 26 (which, you know, doesn’t help), but because I’m pretty sure Jackie Chan and Jackie Robinson (not necessarily in that order) are more deserving of being the most accessible Jackies.  After all, they were here first.  But there’s no room for being offended in a Google war.  I have to simply get down to business and start employing people to search for Jackie, scroll to page 26 (or wherever it’s hovering for them), and click on my name.

After about 5 years of aggressive campaigning, I might be able to be the number two seed on the search ranks, making Ms. Evancho shake in her by-then-teenager-sized boots.

I can probably pull off the rest through sheer intimidation and rude marketing tactics.

However, as I was writing this post and realized that my search rankings aren’t a decent sample because Google knows I go to my site all the time and would list it higher in the rankings for that reason, I asked my father to do a test run for me on his computer instead.  I used his results instead of mine, hoping they were a better indication of what other people see when they search.  When he finally scrolled to page 26 (he’s incredibly determined), I told him to make sure he clicked on my result before he closed the window.  When he did, his eyes got huge and he said “Wow.  That’s really purple”.

I made some offhanded remark about how there is construction underway and to be revealed soon (no, really), but then it occurred to me: My father had no idea my blog was purple.  And my blog has been purple since January, when I started this quest.

Conclusion: my father has never visited my blog before.

I remember telling him I wrote a post on how I suspected him of being a drug lord, but he didn’t read it.  I also wrote a post on his adventures in being a Dungeon Master, but he apparently didn’t read that either.  And then there’s the one about how I almost engulfed him in hellflames.  I’m writing content specifically tailored to him and he still doesn’t read.

So I guess I need a change of plans here.

Second aggressive campaign target: Jackie Evancho. 

First aggressive campaign target: My dad. ♣

Tags: 365 Project, blogging, google, Humor, jackie evancho, life, musings, postaday2011