If you were avoiding my blog posts because they were all about The Gauntlet and, like church on Sunday, you stayed away for fear of true conviction, I have good news: it’s over for now. Business as usual until further notice.
So I went ahead and got myself a puppy. I’d like to talk about it.
Well, it’s not my puppy. It’s my neighbor’s puppy. They’re going away for a while and are going to need someone to dog sit. As many of you know, I have a serious puppy problem. I want a dog very badly but for several responsible adult reasons, I have avoided the urge to adopt one (no money, no yard, no time). In the meantime, I have nursed my desire in other, somewhat unhealthy ways. For example, I fantasize about opening up my own Puppy Amusement Park. Also, I stalk them when I’m out for a jog. Frequently I will talk to them through cages at dog adoption events all about our futures together while crying tears of hope married with shame.
For all these reasons and more, I’m glad to be all set up to dog sit in several weeks and that I have a lot of time to plan out her stay with me. Oh yes, the dog is female. And as is The Jackie Blog standard, names are changed to protect the innocent. Henceforth we’ll call her Miss Bojangles.
Miss Bojangles will be staying with me for quite a few days. Puppy fever sets in pretty heavy in the springtime because a lot of glorious furballs are out for a walk and it can be really easy to forget that dogs are money-gobbling, excreting, puking, whimpering pains in the ass when they look so cute and happy in the sunshine. This is why I need some quality time with Miss Bojangles. She’s got big ol’ Basset Hound eyes and jowls so big you could hide jars of jam in them. I have plenty of time to soak up that adorable, droopy face while simultaneously being reminded that trying to coordinate a drive-by to the apartment every 5 hours to tend to her bodily functions is an inconvenient, gas-guzzling, never-ending truth.
It will be good for me. Like puppy boot camp.
I’m taking note of things I’ve always wanted a dog for so that I can take full advantage of them while I’m dogsitting. Mostly, that means I plan to carelessly drop a lot of food on the ground while I’m cooking. And to encourage her to chase Hobbes around in the hopes that the sight Miss Bojangles’ flappy, wavering jowls chasing him will inspire a few pounds of fat to be exorcised from his fat, fleeing body. And walks. There will be lots of walks. If she weren’t so old, I’d put a reflective puppy vest on her and bring her running with me.
I may or may not include the use of public puppy parks where I may or may not pretend that her name is really Miss Bojangles and that I am her owner.
Of course I have my concerns. Like that she’ll eat my cats while I’m away, or take an enormous dump in the middle of my living room out of homesickness or that when it’s time to give her back to my neighbors, I’ll instead rent an RV and go cross country with her, claiming that we were always meant to be together and that no one can understand our love.
Then again I can’t really afford an RV at this time in my life. So I guess we’ll have to steal one. Which I guess would make Miss Bojangles an accomplice. Which is pretty great since I’ve already hooked her up with an awesome criminal name.
Come to think of it, I’m going to need a decent criminal name myself. And a good article on how to hot-wire an RV. And probably some disguises for our getaway.
Good thing I’ve got a good head start.
♣
The Jackie Blog 
I’ve just come across your blog and seriously this is the funniest article! Love it. Good luck with the road trip 😉
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Hey, thanks! So glad to have you drop by 🙂
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Love your blogs, they are hilarious. I just read the one about your cat…. sounds totally needy.
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I have a lifelong goal to adopt a Bassett and name him Bentley. Someday. Will keep an eye out for BOGO reflective vests.
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Thank you – money is tight and I simply can’t invest in a reflective dog vest unless it’s on special.
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Oh my. That is an epic disguise. Good luck with the dog-sitting!
I always want a puppy of my own whenever my friend brings over his mini-schnauzer. She’s extremely well behaved, so I just think “well that would be cool.” But, she’s also a bit neurotic and he can’t leave her at home by herself, so that is not so good. And plus, I’d have to train a dog to be that well-behaved, so that doesn’t help either.
Yup, I shouldn’t have a dog. 😛
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See? It always starts with cuteness and downward spirals into a tortured, neverending dog hell. I need to remember this.
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Getting our lab through the first year of her life was ten times harder than any of the kids, even the youngest, Lil bastardo. She licked , barked, whined, pissed inside, ate her own turds, yes ate her own turds!! Gross!! Then we had a pleasant 11 year run and now we’re right back to her being a disgusting pooping, puking, pissing inside old piece of ugh. She’ll die one of these months or years, maybe weeks, days, who knows? Anyway, the whole family will be sad and the oldest will be crushed and we’ll swear off dogs forever until we see a puppy on tv and we’ll all vote to do it over again. I don’t remember where I was going with this.
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Oh, and anything with the name Bojangles in it has to be awesome!
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ahahaha this is perfect. and brought up several loving memories of my old dog, who used to poop, eat it, puke it up, eat it, and poop again. disgusting, adorable things.
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I have a puppy problem too..I wish I had a dog to sit and legitimize all of my careless food dropping. Enjoy!
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Just remember – I could be on a slippery slope to either dog ownership or crime. It’s not likely that I’ll come out of this without either of those two things. You’re still safe. Stay out while you can.
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Miss Bojangles is adorable. I can understand your puppy problem.
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Technically that’s a replica, but YES! IMPOSSIBLY ADORABLE.
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It does seem like she would be the perfect accomplice to help you steal things. She looks great in that hat, and she looks like she’s thrilled to be wearing it. She also looks like she would be extremely speedy racing away from a crime scene.
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Right? No one’s pulling that dog over unless it’s to pet her.
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I doggie sat recently. And, like you, I’m big ole softy in the animal department so I let the dog sleep with me and my hubby. I woke up to her snuggled in between us with her head on my pillow. Seriously! I almost never gave her back. I feel your pain.
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Oh man, I totally left out the part where we get to SNUGGLE
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You want one of my weiner dogs? We got plenty!
Yes real dogs. Not referring to my penor.
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Do you have weiner dog farm? And thank goodness.
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I envision the two of you starring in a wonderful, buddy movie about life on the lam. Just hope things don’t end up as badly for Thelma and Bojangles as it did for those other 2 dames.
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I don’t know – it was a beautiful thing, what they had. 😉
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