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napoleon dance

My Struggle with Dance

I wasn’t born a dancer. I have the long, gangly limbs of an awkward schoolgirl married with the anxieties of a shut-in. Though I’m often mistaken for the kind of person who will get up and dance, it’s one of the pastimes I prefer our culture had never actually developed so that I could never live to be pressured into the misery of participating in it.
I danced once in middle school. I had developed a deep-seated complex about having to shower naked in the open with other girls and so to distract everyone’s attention from my conscientious objection, I stood on one of the benches in the locker room and performed a rousing rendition of “Father Abraham”, which I learned in Christian School …(Read more)

Facebook: A New Frontier in Social Awkwardness

Facebook is getting so awkward, isn’t it?
Personally, I can’t take the pressure.   It was bad enough when our parents, aunts, and uncles began to join.  I don’t know about you, but sometimes I still manage to forget they’re in my contacts and I say something wildly inappropriate only to be scolded seconds later.  Then all these apps and games and silly questionnaires came through and all the sudden I’m forced to virtually break up with my friend because she won’t stop telling me to water her virtual crops.  Sure, I could just weed through my privacy settings and try to block app invites, but if my friend is the kind of person that constantly bugs me to water her fake crops, do I really want to be her friend anymore?… (Read more)

I’m Living with a Terrorist

My cat is making me doubt my ability to be a good mother.
I sometimes think about killing my cat.
I’m having a really hard time dealing with my cat’s dependency issues.
She used to just be a very loving cat who would rub up against me to see if I was interested in her affection.  If she deemed it appropriate, she would launch into an all out love fest all over my lap, legs, feet – wherever she could maneuver herself for my attention.
But now she’s a monster.
From the moment I wake up, she’s there – staring at me.  She follows me into the bathroom, follows me from the shower to my bedroom, and from the bedroom to the door.  I used to think she did it because she was hungry, but every time I rush to feed her in the morning, there is still evidence of her meal from the evening prior… (Read more)

Cricket in close-up7 Ways to Eat a Cricket

This week, I celebrated Lollipop Tuesday by eating a cricket.  Sour cream and onion, to be exact.  Grossed out? So am I.   Don’t want to read on? I don’t blame you.  Don’t know what Lollipop Tuesday is?  Check out the top of the page to calm that burning sensation in your cerebrum.
As it turns out, I need quite a bit of convincing to chomp down on the thoracic exterior of a once-live, now-sour-cream-’n’-onion cricket.  It took me nearly half an hour to throw it down the hatch.  Here are some of the reasonings my mind attempted during the excruciating limbo:
“I’m sure lots of people in other cultures eat bugs.  Yeah.  I’m sure I’ve seen it on a travel channel or something.  Lots of other countries have people who see this just like I see a banana.  A banana with legs and eyes and antenna.  …No.  no that’s not working.”… (Read more)

Regis Philbin Ruined My Brain

I have wasted an incredible amount of brain storage for useless pop culture trivia and I fear I will never get it back.
As I approach my quarter-of-a-century life celebration, I’m forced to again wonder how much I can possibly fit inside my brain before other material is pushed out.
Of course, I wondered the same thing in 4th grade and I’ve managed to make room for a decent amount of information since then.
But I can’t help but consider the useless knowledge I’ve racked up in the dusty attic of my cerebrum.  2nd edition rules for Dungeons and Dragons, the proper execution of raids in World of Warcraft, the names, titles, and prior affiliations of bands and artists from the 60′s, 70′s and 80′s, the entire plotline of Battlestar Galactica…  these are all fine details that have proven to be of absolutely no worth in real life… (Read more)

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