I Need Your Dog Real Quick

10 Jun

I’ve been in Portland for a few days for a work thing and I’m wondering if I’ll bother to jump the plane back home. Portland, Oregon – not Portland, Maine – just in case you were wondering. I’ve been told no one but me ever does, but hey: just in case.

I think the hotel I’m staying at is built specifically to keep me here. There’s a button on my phone that I can push that says “get it now” and if I push it, I can have them deliver a pint of locally made ice cream to my door. On-demand ice cream. The new world is a marvel.

They also have something called a dog spiritual menu. At first I thought this meant that I could steal a random dog from the street and pamper him with a hot stone massage or get its chakras balanced, but it turns out it’s just a library of books available to me on pet psychology and whatnot. However, the front desk is also happy to help refer me to a pet psychic if it will make my stay more memorable, so I’m currently on the hunt for a dog with an owner who isn’t paying much attention to them. 

pet psychic

I know, pup. I have a lot of questions too. (photo cred: Joseph Morris)

There’s also a pillow menu. In case I’m not content with the 6 pillows on my bed already, I can call someone and custom order the type of pillow I would prefer. I’m not sure how to do that without sounding like a total and complete A-hole, but the curiosity is killing me. Do they bring sample pillows for me to choose from? Do they wheel a cart into my room with little fancy placards labeling their firmness? Why aren’t the pillows they bring up already represented among the several pillows already on my bed? WHY ARE THEY WITHHOLDING SECRET PILLOWS. WHY DO I HAVE TO CALL TO UNLOCK THEM?

In spite of these luxuries, this boutique hotel is lacking the only amenity worth booking for: the good old fashioned continental breakfast. I gotta say, I’m getting pretty tired of classy-claiming hotels that don’t give me free breakfast. In what world do I shell out more money than it takes to stay at a Holiday Inn to have my morning made-to-order omelet replaced with nothing but a pitcher of fresh cucumber water? Why can I rent a book from a dog wellness library and not get some free morning toast?

Maybe I’d feel differently if the amenities were geared toward cats instead of dogs. I’d swap out my free daily breakfast in exchange for someone getting inside Monk’s head. That cat is in dire need of some psychoanalysis. Really. I should have put him on a leash and stowed him in the plane. I could distract him with a damp sponge bath at the hotel while I have someone get to the bottom of what makes him punch me in the eyeball with his furpaw at 4am.

Even if they offered a cat spiritual menu, I’d still need to work up the chutzpah to pick up the phone and request it. I have yet to work up enough to request the pillow menu and ice cream. I don’t mean that from a lazy perspective (although – yes.), but just from a phone-hating perspective. I don’t even like to talk to my friends on the phone. I have a longstanding friend (15 years now?) with whom I have only exclusively chatted online. I credit it as the reason we’ve been able to hang in there so long. Still – the curiosity is killing me. I should call.

I really have to continually work at to getting over these sorts of little hangups in my quest to not become a bitter old shut-in. So, it’s decided: tomorrow is the big day: I’m going to pick up the phone, dammit. I want a firmer pillow. And a body pillow. All of the secret pillows. I should also grab a dog real quick just to get my full money’s worth from my stay. If I can just work up the courage to commit a tiny bit of random dog theft and pick up the phone, I can celebrate my wins in a pile of pillow with a $12 pint of hand-delivered ice cream.

Maybe I can even manage to save half of it for breakfast.

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12 Responses to “I Need Your Dog Real Quick”

  1. lsawyer713 June 10, 2017 at 8:29 pm #

    Hey Jackie,
    I wonder which Portland too, every time someone refers to it. I grew up in Maine and Portland was very close to me so I wonder. So you aren’t the only one? Ever been there?

    Like

    • Jackie June 12, 2017 at 10:38 pm #

      Thank you for the validation! And no, I’ve never been there…but when I was looking it up because I was certain that’s where my work conference would be, it looked lovely.

      Like

  2. bikerchick57 June 11, 2017 at 7:32 am #

    I do not approve of hotels that can’t afford to serve free breakfast. It’s not right, no matter how many secret pillows they give me. I want coffee and toast!

    PS: I also have a cat that needs “leave me alone at 4:00 am” psychotherapy. Maybe we can find a hotel shrink that offers a two cat discount.

    Like

    • Jackie June 12, 2017 at 10:40 pm #

      Two-for-one shrinks probably should be avoided. it like no one wants a discount on surgery, you know? 😉

      Liked by 1 person

  3. Jules June 11, 2017 at 7:45 pm #

    As a side sleeper, pillows are something I will not compromise on.

    Like

    • Jackie June 12, 2017 at 10:41 pm #

      I sleep on my side but am not aware of any pillow situation that will assist me with this. Am I supposed to be sleeping on a certain kind of pillow? WHY DO I LACK PROPER PILLOW EDUCATION?! WHERE DID PEOPLE LEARN THIS?!

      Like

  4. pegoleg June 12, 2017 at 11:50 am #

    I have never been to the kind of hotel you describe. The last one I stayed at, a couple of weeks ago in Oakland (California, not Illinois) had free happy hour when we checked in Friday evening. It was all the cheap wine you could guzzle in an hour, plus cheese and crackers, so I barely missed the absence of ice cream, breakfast or dog therapy.

    Like

    • Jackie June 12, 2017 at 10:43 pm #

      There’s also an Oakland in Pittsburgh thankyouverymuch. I’m clearly booking the wrong joints. I’ve never even heard of free alcohol and food. I can barely get a pastry these days. Probably because I’m in the wrong Oaklands.

      Like

  5. Lori Reeder June 12, 2017 at 6:52 pm #

    Sam has been telling me I have to get to Portland, ME for a few years now… so, you’re not the only one who wonders. I also have a coworker from there!

    Like

    • Jackie June 12, 2017 at 10:43 pm #

      Thank you very much for the validation on this. That’s quite a few votes for either making me feel better about myself or genuine agreement on this comment thread and either suits me just fine.

      Like

  6. Miguel Table June 13, 2017 at 5:24 pm #

    Totally sounded like phone calls became the equivalent to microtransactions in mobile games: if you would like to order our PREMIUM Pillow Collection, please call the front desk.

    Like

    • Jackie June 16, 2017 at 2:05 pm #

      Oh man – I should have just looked at my stay like a game and to get next level I had a quest to call to access the pillow menu. I would have gotten it done first day.

      Liked by 1 person

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