I’m launching a campaign to host Saturday Night Live instead of Lindsay Lohan.
I feel strongly about this. I thought hosting SNL was supposed to be a sign that you were relevant and that people wanted to see you. On occasion, it’s also a tip of the hat to your ability to roll with a gag – to think on your feet – to be, oh, I don’t know- entertaining. And though I’m really excited about how SNL seems to be pumping out some good stuff lately, I’m pretty disappointed in the choice to let The Lohan host. Sure, she has a great rack. And she’s been in movies an attempted a singing career and is now an official Playboy model. And she’s hosted a bunch of times already. And she generates more interest in what she wears to court hearings than I do in a well-thought out, carefully constructed blog post.
But I was improv captain in college, folks. And if I wear two bras and shove some padding on the lower inside of my bubblie wubblies, I can give the Lohan a serious run for her money.
All she had to do was beg and now she gets the coveted honor of hosting the coolest show on television. It doesn’t matter that she’s not relevant or that the last time she showed up in public she looked like a bleached Oompa Loompa trapped in a straitjacket. So if she can flush her celebrity life and hotness down the toilet, follow it up with a bunch of trashy appearances and questionable outings, and then beg to host and get granted her wish, I’m pretty sure I can lock this in with the old-fashioned method of straightforward bullets-by-numbers and overwhelming persistence. Let’s do this.
Why I Should Host SNL Instead of Lindsay Lohan
- I have a proven track record of creating original content. 2011 was the year of The Jackie Blog post-a-day. And I whooped it. Hard.
- I don’t think SNL has ever let a humor blogger host and it would be a great way to engage the Internet community and give young, semi-humorous indie bloggers everywhere a senseless feeling of hope.
- I have a fiercely loyal following who would support my endeavor and tune in to reap the benefits of their fandom.
- “I Know Who Killed Me” It’s a movie. It’s bad. And I didn’t tie myself for the Razzie Worst Actress award in it; The Lohan did.
- My teacher told me I could do anything I wanted to do when I grew up and I’m grown now and I want to host SNL. This is America, folks.
- My day job is being Anne Hathaway in The Devil Wears Prada and this is my only hope to scrape together what remains of my soul before the rest of it is sucked away by Miranda Priestly and the Corporate Machine (which also happens to be a great band name).
- 8., 9., and 10.