Why I Should Host SNL Instead of Lindsay Lohan

22 Feb

I’m launching a campaign to host Saturday Night Live instead of Lindsay Lohan.

I feel strongly about this.  I thought hosting SNL was supposed to be a sign that you were relevant and that people wanted to see you.  On occasion, it’s also a tip of the hat to your ability to roll with a gag – to think on your feet – to be, oh, I don’t know- entertaining.  And though I’m really excited about how SNL seems to be pumping out some good stuff lately, I’m pretty disappointed in the choice to let The Lohan host.  Sure, she has a great rack.  And she’s been in movies an attempted a singing career and is now an official Playboy model.  And she’s hosted a bunch of times already.  And she generates more interest in what she wears to court hearings than I do in a well-thought out, carefully constructed blog post. 

But I was improv captain in college, folks.  And if I wear two bras and shove some padding on the lower inside of my bubblie wubblies, I can give the Lohan a serious run for her money.

All she had to do was beg and now she gets the coveted honor of hosting the coolest show on television.  It doesn’t matter that she’s not relevant or that the last time she showed up in public she looked like a bleached Oompa Loompa trapped in a straitjacket.  So if she can flush her celebrity life and hotness down the toilet, follow it up with a bunch of trashy appearances and questionable outings, and then beg to host and get granted her wish, I’m pretty sure I can lock this in with the old-fashioned method of straightforward bullets-by-numbers and overwhelming persistence.  Let’s do this.

Why I Should Host SNL Instead of Lindsay Lohan

  1. I have a proven track record of creating original content.  2011 was the year of The Jackie Blog post-a-day.  And I whooped it.  Hard.  
  2. I don’t think SNL has ever let a humor blogger host and it would be a great way to engage the Internet community and give young, semi-humorous indie bloggers everywhere a senseless feeling of hope.
  3.  I have a fiercely loyal following who would support my endeavor and tune in to reap the benefits of their fandom.
  4. I Know Who Killed Me”  It’s a movie.  It’s bad.  And I didn’t tie myself for the Razzie Worst Actress  award in it; The Lohan did.
  5. My teacher told me I could do anything I wanted to do when I grew up and I’m grown now and I want to host SNL.  This is America, folks.  
  6. My day job is being Anne Hathaway in The Devil Wears Prada and this is my only hope to scrape together what remains of my soul before the rest of it is sucked away by Miranda Priestly and the Corporate Machine (which also happens to be a great band name).
  7. 8., 9., and 10.   
So this is the plan: I’m going to send out good thoughts into the great Internet nether and hope that the SNL gods hear my cry.  If that doesn’t work, I’m going to resort to old school mailings.  They’ll feature a hard copy of a blog post from 2011 and a reader endorsement Sharpied on a picture of The Lohan’s face.  You can go ahead and drop me a line in the comments if you want to sponsor a Lohan-face-note.
I’m not sure if that will get me an invitation to New York or a restraining order, but I’m willing to risk it.
I need to work fast and furiously.  Lindsay Lohan hosts on March 3rd.  That doesn’t give me much time.
Then again if this doesn’t work, I could just start lobbying now for her next comeback. 

16 Responses to “Why I Should Host SNL Instead of Lindsay Lohan”

  1. SzaboInSlowMo February 23, 2012 at 8:29 am #

    I’d vote for you on that. Now if you can be the musical guest too, that would be a double whammy!


    • Jackie March 2, 2012 at 11:15 pm #

      I venture to say that having me as a musical guest would be a mistake of proportions almost as epic as the Lana Del Rey SNL Backlash of 2012


  2. Sonja February 23, 2012 at 8:36 am #

    Jackie Fans Unite!!! I’m with ya, I’ve uncapped my Sharpie and am writing furiously!!!


    • Jackie March 2, 2012 at 11:15 pm #

      Thanks, Sonja. Alas her celeb status trumps my Sharpie army. Tomorrow night, The Lohan shall have her hosting. If you blur your eyes and have someone read my blog posts aloud to you, you can pretend it’s me.


  3. pegoleg February 23, 2012 at 10:17 am #

    How did Lindsay Lohan get to be 47 so fast? She looks like the waitress down at the Truck-o-rama who says “what can I getchas, honey?” in a gravelly voice between attempts to cough up a lung. I guess 1 Hollywood year is like 7 people years.

    You go, Jackie!


    • Jackie March 2, 2012 at 11:12 pm #

      ahaha yes so sad and true. You know, there was a website that compared pics of celebrities who had aged well with those who had. In it, they estimated Lohan clocking in somewhere in the 30’s but I find your assessment far more accurate.


  4. momma February 23, 2012 at 4:04 pm #

    I’ll vote for you but then what Mother wouldn’t vote for her own daughter. But really…….I know can do it. You have my vote….Where’s my sharpie??


    • Jackie March 2, 2012 at 11:10 pm #

      Thanks Momma. I wonder if anyone has ever tried the “my mom wrote me a letter of recommendation” route.

      I’m sure that works.


  5. Marie L February 23, 2012 at 11:04 pm #

    I hope you’re serious because I tweeted SNL referencing this blog post and told them they should give you your 15 minutes of fame. I think you deserve it.


    • Jackie March 2, 2012 at 11:08 pm #

      Oh man, I’m so serious. So, so serious. But I need more powaaaah.

      🙂 Thanks for the support – you started a spattering of tweets by my readers that I truly appreciate


  6. Jules February 24, 2012 at 1:54 pm #

    Lindsay has fallen down a looong way. Too bad, so sad!


    • Jackie March 2, 2012 at 11:07 pm #

      this is her big comeback, Jules. She’s serious. Serious Lohan. *giggle*


  7. Jo February 25, 2012 at 5:33 pm #

    Sign me up 🙂


    • Jackie March 2, 2012 at 11:06 pm #

      The campaign failed. The Lohan commences tomorrow evening. Jonah Hill will make up for it the week following though so just try to hold yourself together for another week until he can fix things.


  8. Sleepless Knight February 27, 2012 at 4:05 am #

    Count me in, Jackie! Unfortunately we don’t get SNL over here, but they don’t need to know that. I’d rather watch you than that over-inflated ego, any day of the week.


    • Jackie March 2, 2012 at 11:05 pm #

      well the SNL gods did not hear my cry – or they did and it was too wimpy – so the lohan will have her due tomorrow. I’m going to watch simply for assessment purposes. Thanks for your support across the pond 🙂


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