I Can’t Love a Wrinkly Flesh Beast

4 Apr

Dave wants to shave our cat.

Technically it’s his cat. I had a cat when he met me, he acquired a cat when we were just starting out.  Thus, one is mine and one is his.  He wants to shave his.  Though both cats are, in theory, “ours”, the acquisition of the cats is important to keep in mind when sorting out who is responsible for clawed up furniture, broken possessions,  hairballs and bowel atrocities of all kinds.  Basically, we have joint custody until something needs cleaned up or one of them committed a crime.

Or until he wants to shave one of them.

I imagine it will be much the same when we have children.

It’s all my fault, I suppose.  I was jamming a needle full of Facebook status updates right into my artery when I noted that a mutual friend of ours was taking a poll on whether or not he should shave his cat for the summer.  It went something like “pros: cats not dying of heat in summer, no fur around the apartment.  cons: pissed off death rat staring me down while I sleep”.

When I passed along my amusement to Dave, I expected him to laugh along and perhaps weigh in on the poll.  Instead, he said it was a great idea and that he should shave Hobbes.

This is, of course, in retaliation to the Air Conditioning War of 2011, wherein the defendant, Jackie, refused to spend money on air conditioning to help carry the apartment through the sweltering hot summer.  The defendant cited the oncoming autumn, a pride in low electric bills and a general distaste for the unnatural as her exhibits.  The prosecutor solely cited the blistering heat and the insanity of the defendant.

We got through the summer without air conditioning, but not without throwing the cats in the refrigerator on occasion.   You know, just to make sure they survived the heat wave.

So it seems that Dave is gearing up for Summer War of 2012 and has pitted his threat to shave the cat against my unwillingness to invest in an air conditioner.  And honestly, it’s likely he’ll win.  I can’t live with a shaved cat.  I certainly can’t touch one.  Oh my good great grossness I can’t even imagine how I would drag my hand along its raw, stubbly feline exterior without instantly flinging it from my arms in disgust and fear.  How revolting.  I can’t love a hairless cat.  I can’t.

Remember the Friends episode where Rachel brings home a hairless cat and names it Mrs. Whiskerson?  She pays a grand for it because it reminds her of a cat from her childhood.  But Mrs. Whiskerson goes crazy and rips her to shreds and Rachel ends up giving it to Gunther.  


She had to wear oven mitts to hold it.  I don’t want to wear oven mitts to hold my cat.  

Sometimes my cats surprise me in the morning by staring at my face until I open my eyes and promise to feed them.  Right now it’s cute because they’re furry and adorable and they need my love and my kitty food.  When Dave shaves Hobbes, waking up to him staring me down will be so traumatic I’ll have to go to therapy to recover.  I can’t wake up to this:

*Shudder* I mean, I know it’s not its fault but look at that wrinkly gathering of flesh around its neck where a ball of fluffiness should be. I don’t think I could ever sleep again, knowing this beast is slinking about the place.  Just thinking of it brushing up against my leg gives me the heebie jeebies.  I would probably involuntarily kick it.  Like a fight or flight thing. Listen, I can’t be held accountable for what my body does when confronted with great disgustingness.

Of course, this is assuming Dave will be successful in his shaving adventure.  How does one even shave a cat?  Are you just supposed to lather it up and hope it holds still until you finish the job?  Do you give it a sedative, do the deed, place a bottle of liquor and a razor beside it and hope it wakes up and blames itself?  I mean, I’m an intelligent girl but I can’t think of a single sensible way to shave a cat.   In an effort to introduce sanity to the situation, I suggested that if he was going to get the cat shaved he should at least agree to take it to a groomer.   But then I remembered that the groomer returns our cats with enormous bows around their necks.  And being given a hairless cat with a bow around its neck seems more like a warning gift from the mob than a professional grooming service.  No; there’s no way to do this that isn’t nightmare inducing.

It looks like I’ve gotta give in on this one.

It’s only Spring and the Summer War of 2012 is already over.   The defendant is found guilty of withholding sweet, manmade cooling winds from the prosecutor and when faced with the threat of one hairless cat, settled out of court.

One air conditioner, coming right up. 

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30 Responses to “I Can’t Love a Wrinkly Flesh Beast”

  1. Jules April 4, 2012 at 11:45 pm #

    Shaving cats. Yep. Makes perfect sense…


    • Jackie April 11, 2012 at 11:40 pm #

      I’m going to infer that the ellipses mean sarcasm. 😉


  2. Bird April 4, 2012 at 11:49 pm #

    “bowel atrocities” ….I got a visual! lol..


  3. Ro April 4, 2012 at 11:59 pm #

    Henceforth, our souls are no longer entwined!!!!! (And now my soul feels empty without you) I LOVE hairless things.
    Okay… so not at first. But then I met my beloved Buffi (You know, ’cause she was “in the buff.” HA!). She was awesome. I don’t know how it would be with a SHAVED animal, but the hairless thing really isn’t a problem once you get used to it. I suppose a shaved animal may be… I don’t know… prickly. I can see that being annoying. As for Buffi, she felt kind of like suede. It’s really not much different than, well, petting a person (…I mean that in a totally NOT creepy way. …It pretty much sounds creepy no matter what, huh?).
    Anyway, I fell head over heels for a hairless animal and now I’m pretty much a sucker for all of them. Maybe it’s a “so ugly it’s cute” kind of thing. Either way, Buffi was awesome and adorable and no matter what anyone says I will advocate for hairless animals everywhere!! (Except the chupacabra. That bastard almost crashed our car in upstate New York. Damn chupacabra.)


    • Jackie April 11, 2012 at 11:39 pm #

      Maybe I just need to be converted? I’m kind of into things that are so ugly they’re cute. Bats. They look like tiny little pigfaced vampires but there’s something so sadly cute about it. You should probably get a shirt that declares your advocacy for hairless, unloved animals. I don’t think there are enough of you. There are, however, chupacabra shirts.


  4. robin waller April 5, 2012 at 1:18 am #

    We have a extra AC with only one little trip to NY it can be yours!


    • Jackie April 11, 2012 at 11:37 pm #

      as long as Dave pays the electric bill, I’m in 😛


  5. Michelle April 5, 2012 at 4:32 am #

    If you’re really looking for a good defense against shaving, here’s one: cats, especially light-haired cats, can get skin cancer (even with fur intact). I know your cats are indoor cats, but if they enjoy laying in the sun by the windows, they can get sunburn and in time, skin cancer. If that fails, what about a compromise? Shave the body, but not the face. 🙂


    • Jackie April 11, 2012 at 11:36 pm #

      Ew. What if he makes me put suntan lotion on it?


      • Michelle April 12, 2012 at 5:13 am #

        Lol. Maybe you could get a little kitty kaftan, instead. All flowery and flowy. Little flipflops and a sunhat. Hmm…maybe the sunhat’s going too far.


        • Jackie April 19, 2012 at 12:00 am #

          ahaha you can never go too far in cat accessories.


  6. lorification April 5, 2012 at 9:20 am #

    We used to shave one of our cats in the summer because he’d get so hot that he’d be panting all day. Honestly, it’s more like a buzz cut, not like one of those weird, hairless cats.

    I might shave my cat, too. I think it’d be funny.


    • lorification April 5, 2012 at 9:21 am #

      Not to mention, they usually lion-cut them – so the fur on their head, legs, and tail is intact. It really is quite funny.


      • Jackie April 11, 2012 at 11:36 pm #

        If you shave it, send pics. Maybe I can know what to expect before it stares me in the face. Literally. Ugh.


  7. clownonfire April 5, 2012 at 9:39 am #

    I’ve subscribed to your blog a few years back when you were still unknown by the WordPress powers that be. When can we expect the movie?
    Le Clown


    • Jackie April 11, 2012 at 11:35 pm #

      Back when I was on Blogger? Or back when I first fired up the postaday? And hey, I’m up for a movie but there isn’t a big audience for a screenplay focused on a hermit and her cats. 😉 Thanks for being a loyal reader – I’m flattered!


  8. pegoleg April 5, 2012 at 11:24 am #

    I’m sorry, Jackie, but I can’t get beyond my first impression that “shave the cat” refers to some twisted, boudoir game. And that picture has me seriously creeped out.


    • Jackie April 11, 2012 at 11:34 pm #

      Now Peg, I would have used a different term for a feline if that were the case. And besides, this is a somewhat family-friendly blog. Hey, that pic has *you* creeped out? That thing is about to live with me!


  9. Lori April 5, 2012 at 1:48 pm #

    Oh man, good post. I laughed the whole way through. We have friends who shave their cats for the summer…they use regular hair clippers they bought at wal-mart. And this is the best part….they give them a “lion” cut. yep, they leave their heads and tails long and clip up the rest. Can you imagine waking up to a little lion staring you in the face? I’m not sure if I’d scream or laugh. Either way I think I’ll just take care of my cats the old fashioned way. Brush the heck out of ’em.


    • Jackie April 11, 2012 at 11:33 pm #

      Thanks! I’m waiting for the day I come home to an angry little lion staring at me. I suppose it’s better than a naked mole rat.


  10. Samantha April 6, 2012 at 6:57 pm #

    My cousins shaved their cat in the “lion style”, and I’m pretty sure they took him to a groomer. It wasn’t at all like a hairless cat though, he actually looked rather cute, and was a cat that kind of acted like a dog too, so that was fun. But he still had some fur, kind of like a buzz cut like someone else said. Obviously I have no idea how Dave wears his hair, but a buzz cut is fun if anything for the fuzzy feeling, right? 😀


    • Jackie April 11, 2012 at 11:30 pm #

      I could settle for a buzz cut. But seeing as how cats are supposed to fluffy and not supposed to enlist in the army, I’m still not seeing why it’s necessary. I think the fridge does a fine job.


  11. Ernesto Vazquez-Belen April 10, 2012 at 6:18 pm #

    Don’t do it, Jackie! I’ve been thinking about this for a few days, and you mustn’t cave in. Think about it. You HATE all of that fleshy build up of that hairless fiend! Sooo…if you stand and don’t budge, imagine what message this sends to other combatants.

    “If I’m willing to take THIS, what do you think you’re going to have to do to REALLY get to me?”

    See classics such as Batman V. Joker for examples.


    • Jackie April 11, 2012 at 11:29 pm #

      You thought about this for a few days? Man, that’s longer than I’ve thought about it. Maybe I should default to you as my adviser. I love the classic hero/villain pairing as a suggested reference for my relationship.


  12. jackiemasek April 11, 2012 at 9:09 am #

    1) LOVE the name of your blog! 2) I laughed – this is good stuff. Very visual. 3) Isn’t it funny how our beloveds find ways to get us to give in? 4) It will be this way with the kids because one will remind you of him and the other will remind him of you and you’ll play faves. You’ll try not to but it will sneak up on you when you least expect it. Kind of like shaved cats.


    • Jackie April 11, 2012 at 11:28 pm #

      1) oh, why thank you, Jackie 2. I hope you don’t mind being 2. I knew me first. 2) Thanks! 3) I suppose it’s good that there’s always at least one person in the world who can get the upper hand on me 😉 4) Good to know I can look forward to favorites and guilt associated with it. What if we both like the same one?! Maybe we should only have one…


  13. kitchenmudge April 16, 2012 at 8:13 pm #

    I suppose you’ve all seen this at one time or another:

    But seriously, if it were good for cats to be nekkid in the summer, they would shed all their fur when it gets hot, as they do to some degree. Small animals have a much lower volume-to-surface area ratio, so they radiate heat more easily. That’s one reason that they can keep your feet (or nose) warm in the winter. It’s also probably why gazelles live in the tropics, and moose live in the arctic.


    • Jackie April 18, 2012 at 11:52 pm #

      NEKKID. one of my favorite words. I like your common sense approach to animal habitats. I shall use it in my defense. I still haven’t bought the AC…


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