I promised you a Lollipop Tuesday and my darling ducklings, I have delivered.
Happy Lollipop Tuesday y’all.
For those of you unfamiliar, well, I don’t blame you. I haven’t been diligent and its been quite some time since my last installment. I’ve been holed up in my apartment, not seeking out the unfamiliar but instead drinking and yelling at my cats. It’s comfortable. I like it here.
But there is a whole world of strange activity just waiting to be explored and darnit, I promised you I would explore it. So to check out what this is all about and hear tales of everything from infiltrating Scottish Country Dance meetings to competing in the World Pinball Championship, click here. To continue the saga, read on. Because this week I have a treat for you; I wandered over to audition open call for the contestant search for The Price Is Right.
Did you know these existed? Silly me; all my life I thought the college kids and military members and seemingly ordinary folks who run down that aisle were genuinely surprised to have been selected. But they’re not. They’re the result of nationwide open calls in major cities like the one at which I found myself. One day I’m thumbing through huge local paper looking for mischief and the next, I’m standing in a long, tired line at a casino with America’s finest, hoping to win a trip to sunny California and a chance at a Showcase Showdown.
I’m using the term “America’s Finest” quite loosely. I’m pretty sure I was one of a handful of folks who showed up as a result of advertising. Everyone else appeared to have wandered up from the casino after reading the welcome sign. Makes sense. Gamblers make excellent game show hopefuls. Well played, casino manager. Well played.
I have to admit that I think I’d make a stellar Price Is Right contestant. No one knows prices on everyday products like a born and
bred poor kid. I’ve been blessed with the superhuman power of totaling grocery orders within three dollars just by watching the items roll down the conveyor belt. Once, when attempting to split the cost of groceries perfectly in half with David, I put half the order in front of the little bar separator and half behind it. The result was only 15 cents apart. FIFTEEN CENTS. That’s game show worthy, friends. I’m a Showcase Showdown champion just waiting to be discovered.
In case you’re wondering how this sort of thing works, here’s the rundown. I arrived at the casino, followed the signs to the upper lobby, and found a room with a bunch of ropes that helped to herd the cattle. At the entrance was a gentleman who greeted me with a form to complete and wished me luck. At the front of the room were two cameras and folks being recorded. In the middle was a cross section of the human race that I have not yet encountered in my lifetime.
There were cat totes.
There were beer cans.
There were helping hands.
And there was me.
It was a smorgasboard of America and it was a beautiful thing to behold.
While in line filling out the form that waived any and all rights, I overheard folks in line saying that at the cameras up front, we had to talk for thirty seconds on why we should be on The Price Is Right.
I do auditions all the time. I can give them a two minute monologue, dramatic or comedic, classical or modern… but thirty seconds of me talking about something real? I don’t know about that.
Luckily there was about an hour’s worth of cattle ahead of me so I had time to put something together. But in all the time I stood there, I couldn’t think of one good reason I should be picked over anyone else. I could make something up, but I didn’t want the Price Is Right police coming after me for falsification of Price Is Right records. I have no way of knowing how serious this is. So I went with what was true: I’m a hermit, I have a blog, I have a Lollipop Tuesday series where I try new things, and flying out to CA to be on a game show would make an excellent story.
I thought it sounded good, but since I didn’t have a script and I’m easily excited and I’m awkward, I accidentally threw in something about pole dancing.
I didn’t mean to. I’m still not really sure how it happened. I think I was giving examples of some of the things that I’d already tried and written about and while I meant to say family-friendly things like the Civil War Reenactment and ice skating, I actually said pole dancing. I tried to come across as so normal and television-worthy that I overcompensated. With how overly excited I was and how big my eyes were, I sincerely doubt they’ll ever believe I have trouble getting out of my apartment. I went from hermit Jackie who wants a challenging adventure to slutty mcslut pole-dancing Jackie who is overly excitable and might attack Drew Carey with her violently chipper demeanor.
Dammit. That will never hold up next to all the parents who said they wanted to get on the show to get a new car for their kid. Well played, parents. Well played.
Hey: lesson learned. When auditioning for a family friendly show, make no mention of stripper-related activities. I’ll get it right next time.
Pat Sajak, I’m lookin’ at you. ♣