I think Dave is a Cylon.
I’m sorry; I shouldn’t come out and just say it like that. I don’t want to start a witch hunt or anything. But I do have some pretty serious concerns and I’m not sure where else I can safely entertain them except for the protected confines of the magical Interwebz. So don’t freak out or anything but I might be living with an intergalactic death robot.
Well that sounds racist. He’s not necessarily a death robot. He could be one of the human-liking ones. But he could also be preprogrammed to carry out a set of orders related to someone’s (perhaps even my) death. And, well, I just can’t take that kind of risk.
Now, I’ll admit that while inundated with these concerns, I am concurrently rewatching the entire Battlestar Galactica series. In fact, not even a week ago, I dreamt I was being chased by a murderous cylon.
Unfortunately for me, I rarely have positive dreams. I’m not entirely sure why that is. The only exceptions are one very strange piece of creation where I was underground playing Space Monopoly with my grandmother and a few grizzly bears, and one time that I was Mario in Mario 64.
But I digress; I need proof. My first piece of evidence is the fact that he operates at superhuman levels of labor. He wakes up at 6 in the morning, works a solid 9 hour day with little break, immediately commutes an hour to arrive at his first 3-hour rehearsal, after which he promptly commutes another hour to arrive to his second rehearsal, which lasts well over two.
Now, I’m accustomed to a portion of that schedule. Particularly at some points last year during postaday deathmatch 2011, I felt like I might die from exhaustion after working all day, going to rehearsal all night, and coming home to polish off a piece of junk from the recesses of my mind to offer up to the Interwebz gods. But that was an office job, kids. This robot in front of me is a letter carrier. A letter carrier. And if you think that “sounds like a great job”, you are mistaken. Twenty years ago, being a letter carrier “sounded like a great job” but today, letter carriers are the marines of the service field. They rarely get real breaks, they’re speedwalking for several hours straight with 80 pounds on their backs, dogs attack them, they have to endure ridiculous attacks of extreme hot and cold temperatures, and every single American citizen thinks that new mailmen should just “know” where their mailbox is as if there’s some sort of government list somewhere that says “42 Wallaby Way’s mailbox is on the back porch beside the terra cotta pig”.
I know I get upset about the post office a lot. But you don’t understand; it’s like The Postman out there and attention must be paid.
Do you know what it’s like to work at a place that is open during the entire span of regular business hours, 6 days a week? I’ll tell you what it’s like. It’s bloody frustrating. Getting your hair cut or going to the bank or having a professional appointment is like a unicorn crossing your path and farting a rainbow cloud directly on your face: it’s rare. Real rare.
Anyway my point is that he is fully functional on very little sleep and maintains this schedule with an alarmingly high rate of frequency; over and over again. Like a robot.
Also, sometimes he makes this super creepy face in the mirror while I’m brushing my teeth and I swear to you no real human could possibly look like that ever.
I suppose that’s really all the evidence I have but it’s also really all I need. If I uploaded a picture of the face, you probably wouldn’t even need that little bit about the post office being the place where decent, America-loving people go to kill each other as Exhibit A. So the question now that I’ve ascertained his cylon-ness is what to do about it. I mean, I can’t go on living like this.
As of now, my plan is to hold steady until mid-October, at which time my next Lollipop Tuesday will appear in the form of a UFO Convention. A UFO CONVENTION. If anyone can understand my predicament, it’s the UFO Convention demographic. Maybe I can get some answers.
Here’s hoping I survive long enough to attend. ♣