Before the Cylons Come

26 Sep

I think Dave is a Cylon.

I’m sorry; I shouldn’t come out and just say it like that.  I don’t want to start a witch hunt or anything.  But I do have some pretty serious concerns and I’m not sure where else I can safely entertain them except for the  protected confines of the magical Interwebz.   So don’t freak out or anything but I might be living with an intergalactic death robot.

Well that sounds racist.  He’s not necessarily a death robot.  He could be one of the human-liking ones.  But he could also be preprogrammed to carry out a set of orders related to someone’s (perhaps even my) death. And, well, I just can’t take that kind of risk.

Now, I’ll admit that while inundated with these concerns, I am concurrently rewatching the entire Battlestar Galactica series.  In fact, not even a week ago, I dreamt I was being chased by a murderous cylon.

Unfortunately for me, I rarely have positive dreams.  I’m not entirely sure why that is.  The only exceptions are one very strange piece of creation where I was underground playing Space Monopoly with my grandmother and a few grizzly bears, and one time that I was Mario in Mario 64.

But I digress; I need proof.  My first piece of evidence is the fact that he operates at superhuman levels of labor.  He wakes up at 6 in the morning, works a solid 9 hour day with little break, immediately commutes an hour to arrive at his first 3-hour rehearsal, after which he promptly commutes another hour to arrive to his second rehearsal, which lasts well over two.

Now, I’m accustomed to a portion of that schedule. Particularly at some points last year during postaday deathmatch 2011, I felt like I might die from exhaustion after working all day, going to rehearsal all night, and coming home to polish off a piece of junk from the recesses of my mind to offer up to the Interwebz gods.  But that was an office job, kids.  This robot in front of me is a letter carrier.  A letter carrier.  And if you think that “sounds like a great job”, you are mistaken.  Twenty years ago, being a letter carrier “sounded like a great job” but today, letter carriers are the marines of the service field.  They rarely get real breaks, they’re speedwalking for several hours straight with 80 pounds on their backs, dogs attack them, they have to endure ridiculous attacks of extreme hot and cold temperatures, and every single American citizen thinks that new mailmen should just “know” where their mailbox is as if there’s some sort of government list somewhere that says “42 Wallaby Way’s mailbox is on the back porch beside the terra cotta pig”.   

I know I get upset about the post office a lot.  But you don’t understand; it’s like The Postman out there and attention must be paid.

Do you know what it’s like to work at a place that is open during the entire span of regular business hours, 6 days a week?   I’ll tell you what it’s like.  It’s bloody frustrating.  Getting your hair cut or going to the bank or having a professional appointment is like a unicorn crossing your path and farting a rainbow cloud directly on your face: it’s rare.  Real rare.

Anyway my point is that he is fully functional on very little sleep and maintains this schedule with an alarmingly high rate of frequency; over and over again. Like a robot.

Also, sometimes he makes this super creepy face in the mirror while I’m brushing my teeth and I swear to you no real human could possibly look like that ever.

I suppose that’s really all the evidence I have but it’s also really all I need.  If I uploaded a picture of the face, you probably wouldn’t even need that little bit about the post office being the place where decent, America-loving people go to kill each other as Exhibit A.   So the question now that I’ve ascertained his cylon-ness is what to do about it.  I mean, I can’t go on living like this.  

As of now, my plan is to hold steady until mid-October, at which time my next Lollipop Tuesday will appear in the form of a UFO Convention.  A UFO CONVENTION.  If anyone can understand my predicament, it’s the UFO Convention demographic.   Maybe I can get some answers.

Here’s hoping I survive long enough to attend. 

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14 Responses to “Before the Cylons Come”

  1. Sleepless Knight September 27, 2012 at 9:34 am #

    I’ve had similar feelings about my sister before now: NOBODY gets that much done in a single day!
    I shall pray… well, not pray, but wish really hard (with my eyes closed and everything) for your continued survival.

    • Jackie November 21, 2012 at 3:36 pm #

      I’m still alive. Thank you for your prayers.

  2. Katherine Gordy Levine September 27, 2012 at 9:37 am #

    Think he is probably just super strong, super motivated, super active, SUPER MAN. Tell him I said so. Lucky, lucky, you, I need little sleep. The real trick was getting my husband to go to bed when he was tired and not think I ought to be there. He needed more sleep. So take care of you.

    • Jackie November 21, 2012 at 3:35 pm #

      I *will* tell him so. He actually doesn’t read the blog and is a little worried about having an online persona of which he is entirely unaware. I’ll use your feedback as proof that I describe him perfectly 😉

  3. Bridgesburning Chris King September 27, 2012 at 10:28 am #

    Sounds like Super Dave is a pretty good source of blog material that a witty girl like you can make the most of! 🙂

    • Jackie November 21, 2012 at 3:34 pm #

      the poor thing 🙂

  4. Jules September 27, 2012 at 1:02 pm #

    “I am concurrently rewatching the entire Battlestar Galactica series.”

    So that’s what you’ve up to. A friend loaned me the True Blood season sets.
    This stuff is like crack! CRACK!!!!

    • Jackie November 21, 2012 at 3:34 pm #

      Crack indeed! Have you watched BSG? Best series ever.

  5. beefhearts September 30, 2012 at 3:16 am #

    Throw a magnet at him. If it sticks, he’s a cylon and he’s pissed because you threw a magnet at him and you need to run for the hills. If it doesn’t stick, you should probably still run because he’s pissed that you threw a magnet at him for no reason. Good hunting!

    • Jackie November 21, 2012 at 3:33 pm #

      I don’t know why this simple Cylon detector wasn’t used in the series 😛

  6. robyoublind October 20, 2012 at 9:07 am #

    Your husband told me to tell you this:

    0101011101101000011000010111010001100101011101100110010101110010001000000111100101101111011101010010000001100100011011110010110000100000011001000110111101101110001001110111010000100000011101000111001001110101011100110111010000100000011101000110100001101001011100110010000001101101011000010110111000101110

    • Jackie November 21, 2012 at 3:22 pm #

      I know you made this up and it’s very clever but it was still just a tad bit frightening 😛

  7. Tophat October 23, 2012 at 11:00 pm #

    There’s one sure fire way of telling if someone is a robot: let them catch you in the act of arguing with your household appliances. The topic doesn’t matter. It could be anything from the proper way to toast a bagel to Darwin’s Origin of Species. If he gets defensive, or takes the toaster’s side in the argument? Robot. Check your basement for the invasion force.

    • Jackie November 21, 2012 at 3:20 pm #

      This is brilliance. Pure brilliance. I feel silly for not have masterminding it sooner.

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