I wasn’t born a dancer.
I have the long, gangly limbs of an awkward schoolgirl married with the anxieties of a shut-in. Though I’m often mistaken for the kind of person who will get up and dance, it’s one of the pastimes I prefer our culture had never actually developed so that I could never live to be pressured into the misery of participating in it.
I danced once in middle school. I had developed a deep-seated complex about having to shower naked in the open with other girls and so to distract everyone’s attention from my conscientious objection, I stood on one of the benches in the locker room and performed a rousing rendition of “Father Abraham”, which I learned in Christian School.
Father Abraham had many sons, and many sons had Faaaaather Abraham. I am one of them, and so are you. So let’s all praise The Lord! (Right Arm!) Father Abraham… had many sons….
It went on in this hokey-pokey like fashion until all my body parts were involved. It was the dancing highlight of my first decade.
About five years later, I took a real stab at it in college. It was a pact between a friend and me– we were both ungifted with grace and thought taking Modern Dance would be an excellent way to help gain control over our gangly limbs. I remember it taking me several weeks simply to memorize the warmup routine. I also remember slamming my head off the stage during the final performance. Mostly.
A few years after that, I made one final and last-ditch effort to fall in line with society’s demand that I dance. After knocking out my gen eds, I transferred to a performing arts conservatory with a nationally-lauded dance program. I was in the acting track and thought it would be prudent to dip my toes in the dance water to help not embarrass myself in future auditions that require rudimentary movement. I signed up for “Dancing for Actors” – a class specifically tailored to actors who want to avoid humiliation. We learned basic steps and combinations and had to choreograph a piece and teach it to the class.
I struggled. There was a lot of stepping on toes and attempting to lead, which apparently isn’t permitted by humans with hoo-has. For my final piece, I choreographed “The Lion Sleeps Tonight” and featured a freestyle section where everyone was commanded to channel their inner jungle animal and move through the space. It was beautiful. It’s the only assignment on which I got an A.
And also the only assignment for which I didn’t dance.
My least favorite part of being a non-dancing human is weddings. People will always try to get me to dance at weddings. Somewhere along the way, someone told society that if you’re in an environment where other people are dancing and you’re not, you must not be having fun. The reality of the situation is that I’m highly skilled in self-entertainment (as a child I spent a lot of hours sitting in the car alone while my mom ran errands). But because society has been taught that dancing is fun and non-dancers are miserable, it becomes everyone’s personal mission to make non-dancers dance at weddings.
As if it’s not humiliating enough to have to scramble for a bouquet of flowers in front of everyone.
I have made two attempts at dancing in the past several months (a new record). The first was at a wedding where my friends pulled me onto the dance floor against my will and gang-danced me into a circular cage until I had to either move or ruin everyone’s fun. The second was last week.
I was at the wedding of a lovely and fantastic couple and feeling quite safe about the experience because Dave has been very vocal about his distaste for dancing. I remembered that quality being one of the things I checked off my “ideal man” list that I keep in my pocket at all times for cross-referencing. However, at this particular wedding, he was dancing.
This was an entirely new kind of pressure. Dave is a very attractive man, and weddings typically feature moderately attractive women. So added to the weight of ruining a wedding with my sourpuss non-dancing and the pressure of my friends egging me to do so publicly, I now had to consider that if I didn’t get out there and dance with him, some other boobed lady beast would. So I did what any self-respecting woman would do: I asked the DJ to play “I Believe in a Thing Called Love” by The Darkness and threw caution to the wind. He followed it up with “Brick House” and two things occurred to me: 1) I don’t mind dancing if it’s to amusing music and 2) I don’t mind dancing as much now that I’m not so fat.
That last part is a big one.
For those of you following along at home, I’m halfway through a venture I’ve dubbed Project Fatass 365, wherein I must work out every day all year. There on that dance floor I realized that there was much less jiggle in my jiggy and that I wasn’t nearly as concerned with people’s eyes being on me as I used to. Not just because there is less of me and because I can better control what I have, but because I just care a lot less about what people think. Now that I’ve shed some of the megagut I was using to store my food for winter all year long, I have more energy to be my middle-school self.
I’m still not a dancer. I will probably never be one. I’m living proof that slides, be they of the cha-cha or the electric variety, are not universally demonstrated. But that’s okay because I do one hell of a Father Abraham.
So here’s to a new Jackie – a Jackie who dances not because she’s egged on or pressured or gang-danced to humiliation, but because she hears Brick House and wants to get funky and doesn’t really care what it looks like to everyone else. It’s a shame that I ever lost that spark that got me on the locker room bench in the first place.
But you still can’t make me shower in public.
Father Abraham had many sons, and many sons had Faaaather Abraham. I am one of them, and so are you. So let’s all praise the Lord (LEFT ARM!) Father Abraham….♣
The Jackie Blog 
I am a huge fan of the “Dance like no one is watching…” school of thought…you go, girl! Shake that thang!
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It’s a shame I didn’t catch on sooner but hey: each in her own time, yes? 🙂
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I have one move when I attempt dancing and jiving called the snake because it is me wiggling about. It is safe because it doesn’t involve moving about my feet so there is less chance of bumping into someone/falling over – I wish I had better moves. *sigh* 😉
Ps. Love your descriptions – they are hilarious!
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I would love to see a video of this so I can take some notes. I figure I can stack my moves with a few safe ones and branch from there as I get older and more crotchety.
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Dancing should be taught in school so we don’t all look like idiots at middle and high school dances. I know this will shock you, but I just get drunk. Dancing is no problem then. Well, except for the whole digital camera Facebook thing.
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Unfortunately education doesn’t seem to help me. Perhaps I need more. Then again I imagine being paired with the opposite sex in school would have been enough to send me to the nurse’s office with a bad case of the pukes
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Lol. Congrats I see you were FPd ….again.
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Thanks 🙂 I thought they put me on a blacklist or something after a while. Then again, I am in my own secret competition with Peg from pegoleg.com so this helps even the score 😉
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Jackie, you dog, I just found out. Congratulations!
I know I’m on the blacklist – it’s been almost a year since the FP overlords visited me. Remember me fondly after you step on my head, grinding my face into the mud in your mad dash to the top of the WordPress Mountain of Fame.
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ahaha never. besides – I hear the new best thing isn’t Freshly Pressed – it’s Freshly Pegged 😉
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Funny you should mention that…
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I am not a born dancer either, and I hate, hate, hate it when people tell me to ‘just feel the music’. Tell me one more time, and feel my wrath! 🙂
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Right!? It doesn’t come naturally to all. Just leave me aloooone.
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Good for you for deciding to dance because YOU want to. I don’t trust anybody who can sit still when Brick House comes on.
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I should start including that in my checklist for friendships worth keeping.
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Miss Jackie, I wondered back to your place yesterday (only to be greeted by evidence of your excellent Freshly Pressedness – oh yeah!) because I am trying to email you. Can you email me? My address shows up when you click on my avatar.
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I’m only responding to this because I don’t want anyone to think I ignored you. Dear World: I emailed her. It was lovely.
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I can’t sing or dance, which is why I cook…lol
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That’s an excellent tactic I should have employed sooner. In fact I should probably type up a list of skills and when people tell me to dance at weddings just refer them to the list and ask them to pick something I can actually do 😉
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There u go! I loved your story a lot!!
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I’m a terrible dancer too, and I think a big part of it comes from being self-conscious about my weight when I was younger. Good for you for putting it all out there! I believe in a thing called love is a great choice
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Why thank you! And yes, I was surprised to see how much it has affected me over the years. When you’re uncomfortable with yourself it comes out in interesting and unfortunate ways.
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I love dancing. I am going to do embarassing mum dancing at my children’s parties when they are older. Glad you found your mojo.
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I saw my mom and dad me loose for the first time together at my brother’s wedding and it was beautiful. Go you, dancing momma!
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I will! And congratulations on being freshly pressed again 🙂
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This one’s really cool and brave 😉 I am a dancer myself, I dance whenever I hear music and I know a lot of good dancers too. But more than the movement, what fascinates me the most is their passion and their heart. It doesn’t matter if it looks good or not, just be you 🙂 Go move and shake it! :)-Jane form the Philippines
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Thanks Jane from the Philippines! 🙂
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I wish I could dance, but I was given a lets not dance gift myself, great descriptions so funny.
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We should start a union. 🙂
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I love your humor! How is your dancing coming these days? I just got done dancing to Brick House myself! Have an amazing day!
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Thanks! It’s not pretty but I’m getting to be okay with that 😉
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Good to hear! Have a great day! http://www.segmation.com
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When we sang it in the scouts, it went,
‘Father Abraham, had seven sons, seven sons had _FAAAAAAATHER_ (shouted as loud as possible) Abraham.
And they used to laugh, and they used to cry,
And they used to go like this
Some of the actions were probably different too. More involving farting.
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I’m so delighted that someone out there knows what I’m talking about haha
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I love dancing, I always have. Unfortunately though, there have been some really crappy dance trends for dancing in public, as displayed in the “evolution of dance” video on youtube. It makes normal enough people, who probably only ever need to move side-to-side to dance to music (seriously, nothing wrong with that!) feel they have to attempt more choreography. Kudos to getting out there. As long as you’re having fun, it doesn’t matter how you do it. How else do you explain generations of “the chicken dance?”
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There have truly been some awwwful trends. Popping, locking and dropping is one I don’t particularly care for. Especially when it comes on at weddings. The chicken dance, though, has been my saving grace at many a public dance function in which I am forced to make my limbs move in coordination.
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Ha! This is fantastic. I’m glad the “jiggle in your jiggy” is disappearing! 😉 Great read, and congrats on the Press!
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Thanks! Hopefully by the end of the year I’ll be truly fit 🙂 That would be the first time in… well, probably ever, actually. 🙂
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Life is a dance in so many ways – I say, dance in any and every way that you can 🙂
Blessings
-Jen
http://thelilyandthemarrow.wordpress.com/
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Thanks Jen 🙂
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Please don’t ask me to dance — I’m a straight white guy from New England!
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Never shall I ever force anyone to dance. It will help balance out all the terrible people in the world who do.
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Check out ‘Evolution of Dance’ on YouTube – anybody can do these moves…
Great post!
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I actually was choosing between that and the Napoleon Dynamite clip – they’re both excellent!
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I was right behind you up until the part where you decided you had to look a certain way before you allowed yourself the freedom and joy of not giving a hoot what society thinks. That’s so sad. Curves are female currency. Furious curves are solid power–ask any Middle Eastern belly dancer or sword dancer. A cookie cutter chick dancing is just another female dancing, dime a dozen, but a woman who flaunts her soft sexy in front of everyone with giant booty bumps is a goddess to be reckoned with. Shake your groove thing…but make sure you have one.
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I can understand how that was the takeaway, but it had a lot to do with the silly song and then was powered by the realization that after a lot of hard work, I’m finally getting fit – and that was certainly a reason to dance. Curves are great – obesity is not. And I have been battling some serious cholesterol and weight issues for a while. To me, being fit is a reason to dance 🙂
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Nice blog
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But not the best – I hear that’s yours 😉
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I’ve never mastered the art of avoiding the parter’s heels stepping on my toes that the more advanced folk call dancing, so I stick to nonchalant observation. I think I am having more fun than people on the dance-floor! Though sometimes I want to rush and check if there’s a faulty electric cable they’ve stepped on ) Perhaps, I’d not met someone I wanted to dance me to the end of love – that is, before I married. And my wife has never been into dancing )
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Woohoo for significant others who don’t pressure us to dance, right? 🙂
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I think letterman said it best when he said I don’t like to dance and I don’t like to be around people who are
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Perfect.
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Im a terrible dancer….. Yet whenever I get an opportunity I try to jump and hop thinking that it maybe called dance in future ….lol
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Far less inspiring moves have become national phenomenons. Jumping and hopping is perfectly respectable 😉
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Great post – totally relate. I too waited until college to take dance and then took tap, which wasn’t probably the best choice in hindsight. Tap 1 was easy and fun with just a few students who’d had a lot of dance classes before. Tap 2 was pretty hardcore though. By mid-semester, I was the only one left who wasn’t a theater major. The teacher worked us all like she was preparing us for some Broadway stage. One day, a substitute teacher came in with a little more relaxed attitude. I was relieved – until she said, “Everyone pick a partner with your same skill level.” Now, there were kids of my same age, same height, and even same name in the class, but who was going to admit to dancing on such an amateur level as I did? Fortunately, A/J piped up and said, “L -come over here!” I remain eternally grateful to A/J for sinking to my level for the rest of the class!
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We are *all* eternally grateful to the A/Js out there. 🙂
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Awesome! Your dance for actors class reminds me of when I was getting my degree in dance, we had to take an acting for dancers class. I got through it pretty much the way you got through yours. I was in despair and the prof said just attack the scene as if you were dancing it. It sorta worked (I dunno if what I did could be called acting tho) and got an A too so yay for us!
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I like the idea that I can do something dancers can’t haha – somehow it brings justice to the world.
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Hi I love the tone of your writing 🙂
I used to dance…then i stopped and refused all attempts to make me dance in a grumpy unconfident non dancing way…then…for some unknown reason…I took u morris dancing…now i dance all the time…to everything allover the place sometimes even on my own…and to top it all off…I dance in public…as a performer with people watching and everything :-S we get to wear masks though so that helps 🙂
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Hi! Thanks 🙂 How fantastic that you found a way to dance and not care about others. It’s a truly freeing experience 🙂
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so well narrated….one of the things i wish i knew like i wish i knew to sing and i wish i were more creative….and so on 🙂
congratulations on being freshly pressed and all the best for your lessons!!!!
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Hey thanks! And hey – you can always take lessons and you can certainly try a doodle a day or something to help feed your creativity. Good luck!
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thank you Jackie, doodling seems a wonderful suggestion.
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This really made me smile. I love to dance but I’m hopeless at it. I have Cerebral Palsy so my dancing is done from my walking frame, wheelchair or clinging on to someone else for dear life. I try and not think about what I look like to the rest of worls when I do it, but when I hear a song I love I can’t help but move with it. I’ve sort of mastered wheelie dancing but haven’t quite got my head roud fram dancing yet. I’m hoping I will eventually.
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Just keep dancing. I can’t dance either so I took Salsa class and now am not so bad, still not good enough though. But once I like the song, nothing will stop me. Just keep dancing girl.
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I will! You keep dancing too.
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This is at least five times more inspiring than my story. Seriously – go you. That’s fantastic. And honestly, who cares what other people think? I’m really trying to get back to that place where I don’t – most people are stupid anyway 😉
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Aw thank you. Sometimes it is hadr not to care what people think. The more you dance the less you’ll care eventually 🙂
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Hi!!! hmn..I’m a newbie in this BLOG.. I hope u can help Me.. thank u so much :* http://jhoanlusung.wordpress.com/
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Hi! You look like you’re doing all right – the most important thing is to post regularly 🙂 Good luck!
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Thank u so much:) I wish to make good articles to inspire others..I’m practicing 🙂
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Loved it and laughed out loud at some point. Still smiling from the video, Thanks for posting and making my morning in cloudy and humid and hot Ghana.
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Ghana! Wow – cool stuff. Thanks for stopping by – I’m so glad you enjoyed.
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Am glad you wrote it.
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This is hilarious. Very well written. I totally relate to the “jiggle in my jiggy.” 🙂 Congratulations on being Freshly Pressed.
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thank ya!
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I was never a big dancer either but always wanted to be out there. I finally ackmoweldged that my resistance was that I worried what others thought – and I sat on the sidelines feeling even worse about not dancing because I couldn’t honestly hide behind the “i just don’t dance” line. Through other work on my self awareness and acceptance I finally decided I didn’t give a damn what other people thought. I may look like a fool but I have a blast.
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It’s really refreshing, isn’t it? Not that I’m going to dance at every event in the future, but honestly, letting loose from time to time is pretty darn freeing.
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I can completely relate! My introverted self does NOT want to dance sometimes, not that my friends care at parties.
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I really wish there were a way to get people to leave you alone in that department. So help me, my wedding will have more than just a dance floor for activities.
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I took tap classes as an adult. That ish is hard! I’m still not a public dancer, but my jiggle can get jiggy with it if I’m in my apartment. 😉
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Love it! 🙂
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It’s interesting that it’s perfectly okay to, say, not like golf. If you don’t like math, more power to you. But you obviously must like to dance. If you aren’t hopping up to do it, you are either too sad or too shy. But no one enjoys doing things we are terrible at, and we are all terrible at different things. We don’t all enjoy the same things in any case.
It’s funny how you can’t just say, “I don’t like dancing. I’m not good at it, and just as some people don’t enjoy doing math because you suck at it, I don’t like dancing because I suck at it. And just as math may be something you everyone can do with practice, but will remain a chore to some people, dancing is a chore to me. It isn’t fun for me. It’s work. And I came here to relax and enjoy myself. Not do homework.”
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I absolutely agree – well put.
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Try line dancing or vodka cranberries. Both make me a pretty good dancer!
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I’m actually not too terrible at line dancing aside from not being a fan of country music. maybe it’s time to choose: dance well or please my ears
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Honestly one of the best ways to approach dancing for those who don’t want to – dance as if no one is watching and have fun with it! Good for you, more people should have your attitude!
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it’s so easy to say but so much harder to do. it’s funny that it took so long for me to realize it because I often used to look at the dance floor admiring the people who could just let loose. even if they looked ridiculous, I never once wondered why they were out there instead of sitting down.
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I elbowed a girl in the face the other day at a Salsa lesson. It was pretty depressing.
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ahahaha it happens to the best of us.
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Love the video!
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nice blog!
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Thanks! That so nice of you to say.
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my hands never know what to do when dancing – at least in the late 80’s the ‘shovel dancing’ didn’t have much hand movements… and belly dancing allows for the my hands to be occupied with zills so it’s much less horrifying than ‘regular’ dancing.
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Due to my birth taking place about the same time as the dance move you referenced, I admit I had to look it up. It’s a beautiful thing to behold.
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Ha ha – we called it that – I didn’t think of it as a ‘legit’ search term 🙂
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I always dance like a crazy person. I figure if I make it look like I’m intentionally looking like an idiot, no one will know how bad of a dancer I actually am. It’s getting people to laugh with me instead of at me, when they probably should be laughing at me. I’m glad you are feeling more comfortable with yourself and can get jiggy with silly music. Loved the post!
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That’s really the key, I think – as long as I have a look on my face that shows others that I’m fully aware that I look ridiculous, it will be okay.
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Are we human? Or are we dancers? Who really cares! I am totally with YOU Jackie – now that I’m old enough to not really care that much anymore, I dance when the urge strikes me, and much to my three kids’ chagrin, it is usually at home in the presence of my family. They are all used to it by now, and even though they roll their eyes and act like they want to die, I sometimes catch them trying to mimic some of my moves. Great post!
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One of the worst Killers songs everrrrrr. Dancing moms for the win – fantastic 🙂
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This is great! It took me until college to finally decide, “Screw it, I’ll dance.” I’m awful at it, but nobody questions my Shepard Shuffle. http://i.imgur.com/rtlItmH.gif
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ahahah love it
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Ooh, what rapper is now going to start the “Father Abraham” dance making it really cool … like twerking or the “Pop Lock and Drop It” ….
http://aubreys642.com/
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as long as I get to be in the video
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LOL- I love to dance, but am terrible! I will stick to Zumba classes were I am not the only clumsy one shakin’ my hoo-has 🙂
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That’s on my list of things to try – I should really just suck it up and go.
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Loved this! Good for you, Jackie.
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Thanks, chick!
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Loved your blog!! i too am not a dancer, but i picked up dancing after coming to college…now i realize how fun it is to let yourself loose, go wild and njoy with ur friends!! i am glad i did decide to dance 🙂
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Hey thanks! I don’t know how much longer I can keep it up, but it sure was a nice little revelation that evening 🙂
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You are funny! I became shameless with my dance moves when I saw my kindergarten students already feeling the anxiety of dancing in front of each other! In a split second I embraced my awkward dance and did it with pride and caused all the others to laugh and then they felt they could certainly dance better!
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In kindergarten? Wow – that sucks. I like to think that until about 8 or so, kids don’t have a care in the world. Untrue I suppose
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They really do care about what their peers think of them, I guess we all do =)
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Let them all be Father Abraham… 😀
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I should probably just make all my moves stem from that. You know – stick to my roots
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Love it! You go, girl!
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Thanks – I can use all the cheerleading I can get 😉
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I am kind of envious of you. I wasn’t a born dancer and I do want to dance. But somehow apart from having two left feet, it doesn’t point me to a dance school.
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There’s nothing to be envious of except perhaps a realigning of the brain to not care what people think. I’m highly unskilled 😉
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