The Pros and Cons of Half-Jackies

17 Jul

I spent a large portion of last evening weighing the pros and cons of donating my eggs.

I just turned 27. There’s a lot to do.

By “a lot to do”, I mean “shit’s expensive and sometimes I think about donating my eggs”.

Sometimes isn’t a lot. It’s like, three times. Once, when I saw an ad at a bus stop saying I could snag 10 grand for a little potential half-Jackie, once more the other day when I made a joke to Dave about it, and for the third time last night when an excellent friend said she’d been considering it.

Some friends get coffee, some donate eggs together.

We’re both logical beings. Kind of. And after we measured each other’s level of sincerity (mine was at 15%, hers was at 45%), we began to look up everything we could possibly find on the magical interwebz about the pros and cons of donating our eggs.

In case you’re curious, it’s not as easy as just looking good on paper. Sure, it’s pretty standard that people want babies from degree-carrying, attractive egg donors, but there’s a whole lot that goes into the slushie that is my body that I can’t really control. Suddenly, I found myself poring over pages of desirable egg donor qualities, measuring how I stacked up next to what was one of the highest rated potential donors: genius Asians.

If you’re reading this and you’re an genius Asian, get thee to a hospital. They’ll suck your eggs right out of you and slap a check in your hand in no time. I, however, don’t get in so easily. I’m the kind of gal who has done what I can with what was given to me. And what was given to me was a big pile of recessive, sickly, or otherwise degenerative DNA. I got my mother’s creaky knees and migraines, my father’s asthma and allergies, and more teeth than my mouth got the memo for. I’m blonde-haired, blue-eyed, and so pale you can map the blood flow through my veins to most of my major organs. My family is chock full of brown haired, hazel eyed natural tanners so I’m either adopted, or I’m a great underdog story about a mess of genes that lost every war they fought but turned into a fully-functional person in spite of it.

I’m thinking there won’t be a big rush to my egg donor application.


I like to think my eggs look like this. Close, right?

I’m thinking they wouldn’t be too supportive of exchanging a half-Jackie for a cool ten grand, in spite of the fact that it could fix my car, get me a nice deposit on a new place, and get me out of credit card debt. I mean, when you look at it that way, kids are really great.

Of course, the magical interwebz also had a host of horror stories to share, which brought my 15% down to a 5%. I have to admit that it was mostly the part about how you have to inject yourself with hormones and how after you do all that if you’re unable to have the eggs extracted even if it’s through no fault of your own, you only get a couple hundred dollars. You also sometimes have to wait for over a year or two to get matched with someone, even in the event that there really is a mother out there who wants a gawky, toothy, snarky half-Jackie for her own… which is unlikely.

So all that got me thinking… what would I rather do for 10 grand than wait two years, pump myself full of hormones, bring a human being into this world that I can never see, and have someone stab my ovary with a transvaginal needle, resulting in possible complications for which I have no medical insurance coverage?

Lots of things. But mostly probably a 365. After all, I’m half way through mine and it’s about time I start kicking around some ideas for next year. It is possible that I could raise $10,000 in a year by extreme couponing, gigging on the side, and hoarding spare change like Gollum? Maybe I should raise the stakes on myself and if I don’t have $10,000 in my account by the end of the year, I have to apply to be an egg donor.

That’s a fun game. ..all I need is a good name for the journey.

Now taking submissions.


23 Responses to “The Pros and Cons of Half-Jackies”

  1. mentalmom02 July 17, 2013 at 5:24 pm #

    Hilarious!!! And they may pick your egg. You never know that the child will turn out gawky with snaggle teeth. Even the worlds most beautiful and educated parents end up having a child that um….well isn’t what you expected in the looks department. If I was out of my mind and decided to give birth again but needed a donor egg, I’d consider your little egg 🙂 I don’t have 10k though but I can make a mean cheesecake lol


    • Jackie July 17, 2013 at 7:51 pm #

      eggs for a cheesecake… tempting. 😉


  2. donofalltrades July 17, 2013 at 6:12 pm #

    When I learned in college that I could get paid more money to donate my man stuff than I was getting to donate blood plasma, I was stoked! Beer money for whacking it? I was gonna do it anyway from time to time (don’t sneer like you didn’t either!). Alas, the idea must have been thought up many time before me because they weren’t taking new applicants just then and I didn’t have a car to go drive to some clinic to fill out paperwork for a potential maybe.


    • Jackie July 17, 2013 at 7:53 pm #

      which, I might note, is another inequity of genders. I have to be poked in the ovaries with a needle and you just get to whack off.

      we really got the short end of the stick.


  3. rjhlee July 17, 2013 at 8:39 pm #

    I vote for calling it “Egg Russian Roulette: The Journey”. Every attempt to make your 10 grand is like a shot from the gun. If you’re lucky, your eggs will make it out alive – but if your luck runs out..BAM…egg donation. :p


    • Jackie July 19, 2013 at 2:49 pm #

      This is an excellent submission, complete with the VoiceOver for the trailer. 😉


  4. sarah9188 July 17, 2013 at 9:21 pm #

    I think I may be your long-lost sister. 😉 I eye ball the tan, blonde younger sisters as I slap on 50 SPF. Brutally unfair – some people have all the luck in the gene pool.


    • itg3tsb3tter July 18, 2013 at 1:28 pm #

      Maybe one of you was an egg donation and you both come from the same mother XD


    • Jackie July 19, 2013 at 2:48 pm #

      I know, right? I spend my summers greasy and in fear of cancer.


      • sarah9188 July 19, 2013 at 5:22 pm #

        Lol. I know I have plenty on when my normally dry skin gleams like an oil slick. Sun defeated today.


  5. helenrj July 17, 2013 at 9:36 pm #

    I don’t know. The hormones and the transvaginal needle made me want to hug my own wee shriveled ovaries and moan. I’d say that you should hoard coins like Gollum. I went through all sorts of hormone therapy just to get pregnant. My theme song was ‘Cry Me a River.’


    • Jackie July 19, 2013 at 2:48 pm #

      Right. Didn’t even cover the hot hot mess that would be my hormones. Ugh.


  6. itg3tsb3tter July 18, 2013 at 1:26 pm #

    I have been considering donating my eggs as well. However, after reading this… I’m not so sure anymore. I just wish to thank you for having a similar plight as mine XD
    Anywho, you could title it “$10,000 or bust (out the eggs)” 😀


    • Jackie July 19, 2013 at 2:47 pm #

      Thanks for the title submission 😉 and yeah it doesn’t take much reading to find a horror story or two sufficient to hold you back.


  7. JenerationLife July 19, 2013 at 2:40 am #

    Hilarious read! You have gained a new fan! I love your writing style and this article in particular! Pls check out my blog whenever you get the chance… 🙂


    • Jackie July 19, 2013 at 2:46 pm #

      Mission accomplished. And actually I really needed your most recent post. Thanks for that.


      • JenerationLife July 19, 2013 at 5:17 pm #



  8. kitchenmudge July 19, 2013 at 1:57 pm #

    If this is the same lady who wrote “The Path to Crotchety…”, I have to ask what liquid you’re “pouring” over those pages.
    *cruel snicker*


    • Jackie July 19, 2013 at 2:44 pm #

      Ew I’m sorry I fixed it.
      And I learned something new today! You’re my favorite.


  9. philosophermouseofthehedge July 25, 2013 at 7:46 pm #

    Ah, lots of creativity and the fact that pale skin is the newest big thing… but ack! Big needles. No way!


    • Jackie August 7, 2013 at 6:51 pm #

      In the ovaries. Big needles in the ovaries. *shudder*


  10. houseofjars August 24, 2013 at 11:19 am #

    You’re hilarious. I considered surrogacy for about 4 and a 1/2 hours while drinking and googling. The 25k would have made a small dent in our student loans. Not sure if it’s worth the whole having someone else’s baby in my belly thing. My body tried to reject my bellybutton ring in high school, so that probably doesn’t bode well for me.


    • Jackie August 27, 2013 at 11:11 pm #

      25K! I didn’t know it could get that high! *reconsiders*


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