Smuggle Me to Canada

11 Dec

My Canadian voyage draws nearer.

It’s difficult. Gas money to the north is tight, it’s going to be cold, and I have questions.

Normally I wouldn’t fret over questions. I would take comfort in the fact that two heads are better than one and that when Dave and I are together he will take care of the things I openly struggle with on this blog, like navigation…and a steady supply of clean pants…and managing my Skittles intake.

Do they have Skittles in Canada? Are they weird Canadian Skittles or like, regular Skittles? I want American Skittles. I’m a patriot.

Regardless of the Skittles situation, I don’t have Dave’s help on this one because I’m flying solo. What are the roads like? What if I don’t understand the signs? What if there are lots of assumed Canadian normalcies that I don’t know about and what if I don’t answer the questions at the border correctly and what if the states won’t let me back across the border because they don’t believe that a young healthy American woman would launch herself across the border at a prime stage of life or that she would choose Canada as her first international adventure and what if they interrogate me?

I remember when my family once went to Niagara Falls they asked my mother her nationality at the border. She answered “Pennsylvanian.” I don’t think I’m really set of up success here.

Can I bring my cats? Can I take cats across the border? I have a complimentary pass for two to the Museum-of-Something-Kind-of-French-Sounding. Could I redeem that pass for say, my cat? Because it’s unlikely I’m going to befriend a Canadian in less than a day in a way that says “Hey, I’m totally normal and safe and I know this is fast but you should totally go to this museum. Which one? I don’t really know. Where? I’m not sure – can you tell me? Here’s my American coupon for your Canadian land attractions. Show me to this so-called ‘museum.'”

I might be able to use my extra pass to try to pick up a male specimen. I could pretend to be a mysterious American who is looking for adventure in Vancouver and just happens to have a pass for two to the Museum-of-Something-Kind-of-French-Sounding and see if my quirky American wiles are successful across the border. I guess that’s not really pretending because I actually am all of those things except looking for a Canadian male.

That might also be a classic serial killer tale. I’m not sure which. The differences between the serial killer tales and the best friends forever tales can be quite minor.

I have dreams that in Canada they find my squinty right eye and half-hunch appealing. Those maple leaf lovers might hop on this in a hot second. Especially if I bring my cat.

By the way, Dave doesn’t read my blog. I discourage it. So if I disappear someone is going to have to alert him that I could be trapped in Canada with a perhaps-serial-killer.

Screen Shot 2013-12-11 at 1.25.08 PM

I don’t know if I’m going to be able to pull off this “go to a new country” resolution before the end of the year. I have the passport and I have the voucher that’s redeemable for a place to put my head and a place to go when my head wakes up. As long as I eat something in the midst of all that, I’ll have a full-fledged whirlwind tourist experience in only 24 hours. I just need to get the money to eat. And to drive there.

The voucher includes valet parking. I like the idea of my tired little car going all the way to Canada and then getting to sleep with all the fancier cars. That’s if my little car doesn’t tire out on the way. It’s used. Very used.

My whole adventure is littered with tiny problems. Mostly they’re financial but I figure I’m two complete steps closer to crossing a border than I was this time last year. A tax return or an unexpected ebay sale or a few laborious babysitting stints and I’m on my way to The Great North. I briefly considered a little online fundraiser to see if people would fund a 20-something white female shut-in getting some culture, but I can’t imagine that resounds loudly with a large population of crowdfunders.

That, and I might need to call on that one for my potential 2014 365 Project, wherein I try to save $10,000 in a year or have to donate an egg.

I haven’t had a 365 with an ultimatum before, but I figure hey: let’s go right for drastic. I’m going to need that crowdsourcing card when I’m faced with two months left on my ultimatum without meeting my goal and I’m starting to reeducate myself on the effects of being hopped up on hyper estrogen.

That’s unofficial, by the way. I still have 20 days to finalize the plan. There are a lot of things I suck at so there are a lot of things to consider conquering, not just being poor. While I’m at it, I encourage you to consider taking up a 365 as well. I’ve pulled this soapbox out a lot of times so you can read more about why that’s the best decision you’ll ever make in your life here or here or here.

Or here.

Or here.

Just, you know, think about it. You have 20 days. And maybe after enough of my readers have tried it (like this one), I can finally convince Dave to do it too. I’m like Oprah but instead of giving away cars and books and flights with John Travolta, I’m giving away hesitant year-long commitments.

Seriously though it’s awesome and every year of your life you don’t do a 365 is basically a waste, as proven by myself in the dull, dark year of 2012.

So here’s the plan: I’m going to continue to find ways to scavenge for dollars to fuel my car to Canada to complete my 2013 resolution, I’m going to work on a post that sums up my 365 for 2013 (dubbed Project Fatass 365) I’m going to figure out the details of my 2014 365 Project, and you’re going to consider slightly the possibility of completing a 365 Project as well.

It seems I have a lot more to do than you. Maybe you could do more than “consider slightly.” Perhaps we can upgrade to “consider moderately.”

We’re running out of time, people. Twenty days until the end of the year. Get your goals together and let’s debrief after I conjure creative ways to raise money in ten days or less.

Canada, I’m sorry for the delay; I’m coming. I’ll figure it out.

It might be time to put smuggling on the table. 


25 Responses to “Smuggle Me to Canada”

  1. Ice_Badger December 11, 2013 at 1:44 pm #

    Woohoo 🙂 thanks for the link 😀

    I can recommend the 365 challenge…mine is only (nearly) half over mind you…and sort of turned into two as I am exercising…and blogging about it :-S

    Go to Canada…I would love to go to Canada…but it is further away from here so I might have to plan for slightly longer…


    • Jackie January 2, 2014 at 11:34 pm #

      I like you – you motivate me. I just moved you to my actual bookmarks bar, not even the tab, just so that I can be reminded that you’re always exercising so I should be, too. Thanks for being awesome.


      • Ice_Badger January 3, 2014 at 4:04 am #

        Awesome 😀 I am glad I motivate you…this surprises me but is awesome anyway 😀


  2. knotrune December 11, 2013 at 3:57 pm #

    I don’t really suit things you have to do every day. I have enough trouble with the things you really have to do every day. If it wasn’t for hunger, I might not bother to eat on all the days, but I tried fasting and I didn’t like being so hungry.

    But I am considering a Big Scary Goal for 2014. This year I managed my goal of writing a first draft of a whole novel – yay! 🙂 So next year, I was thinking, editing and self-publishing it might be a good goal. It certainly counts as Big and Scary!


    • Jackie January 2, 2014 at 11:33 pm #

      So it’s 2014 now. I’m waiting for some announcement over there on your bloggy blog. 😛


  3. silkpurseproductions December 11, 2013 at 4:46 pm #

    Are you crossing into British Columbia? You won’t be sorry. It is gorgeous there.
    If you are crossing in ONtario you will like that too.
    I cross back and forth a few times a month, you won’t have any problems.
    Probably the most confusing thing for you will be the money. Our money is plastic now and we have loonies and twonies.


    • Jackie January 2, 2014 at 11:32 pm #

      I felt okay about things from all the other Canadian responses (also, as a sidenote, I’m surprised at how many of my most lovely readers hail from the north) until I read this loonies twonies bit.


      • silkpurseproductions January 3, 2014 at 8:02 am #

        Oh, don’t let that scare you. The loonies & twonies are 1 dollar and 2 dollar coins. You have to have industrial strength pockets. The plastic money is our new bills. They are made from some magic polymer product.


        • Jackie January 16, 2014 at 12:47 am #

          Okay. I’m going to start calling our 1 dollar bills loonies.


  4. pinkleapinklea December 11, 2013 at 9:15 pm #

    Are you coming to Vancouver??? That’s where I live! I would feed you!

    But no cats. Sorry. I’m allergic to them – and I don’t believe you can take them across the border without all kinds of paperwork and immunizations and stuff.


    • Jackie January 2, 2014 at 11:30 pm #

      I understand – the American feline is something to be considered.

      There are lots of happy-to-feed-me Canadians. Maybe I should just do a blogging food tour of Canada. I wouldn’t get murdered or anything, would I? I hear you guys don’t even lock your doors. 😉


  5. klsprout December 12, 2013 at 8:49 am #

    I totally would have given money to your Kickstarter campaign.


    • Jackie January 2, 2014 at 11:28 pm #

      this is going to be the comment that I look to when I’m 40 for the traveling blogger life I almost had.


  6. roseglace December 12, 2013 at 9:50 am #

    We have skittles but I have no idea if they’re the same as yours. I’d invite you to dinner but you’ll be four thousand kilometres away.


    • Jackie January 2, 2014 at 11:28 pm #

      I just learned that they’re not! It’s very exciting. Yours are better. And if I change where I’m going, can “where I’m going” be your house for dinner? 😛


      • roseglace January 3, 2014 at 12:13 am #

        certainly. if you feel the urge to drive three hours east of toronto, just shout.


  7. mid-life crisis December 12, 2013 at 9:13 pm #

    The signs are the same except the speed is in kilometers per hour, so if you use your miles speedometer, you’ll drive everywhere at 100, and that will get you a date with some fine Canadian policemen. They don’t wear those funny red outfits or ride horses, so it’s not as much fun as it sounds.

    Also, if you go to Quebec, all the signs are in a whole other language, so you’ll be really lost, but on the upside if you have a GPS system where the lady tells you where to go….., she pronounces everything funny and you’ll giggle a lot because it’ll sound like she’s swearing.

    Other than that, we’re really nice because we don’t have guns and no way to defend ourselves, but we have free health care just to be on the safe side.

    It’s better if your cat stays ‘stateside’ since it probably doesn’t have a passport.


    • Jackie January 2, 2014 at 11:27 pm #

      This is actually incredibly helpful. Thank you! 🙂

      Where can I get a cat passport?


  8. goddesslyv December 13, 2013 at 12:11 am #

    Not o my do we have skittles but they are better!! I hear you guys down there got ride of lime and replaced it with sour apple…. Yup not up here 😉


    • Jackie January 2, 2014 at 11:20 pm #

      RIGHT. Exactly. What the hell are they doing? No one’s changed a classic candy for the better since M&Ms put the blue skittle in.


  9. pegoleg December 17, 2013 at 9:25 am #

    Good luck with the international travel goal. Just don’t do anything up there that will make the US pretend we don’t know you.


    • Jackie January 2, 2014 at 11:19 pm #

      Thanks Peg 🙂 Didn’t make it in 2013 but I have a serious change jar started for 2014.


  10. kitchenmudge December 31, 2013 at 1:26 pm #

    Hmmm…. No further info on this. Are you lost in the wilds of Canuckistan? Frozen solid somewhere? Will we have to do a Sam McGee-style cremation on you?


    • Jackie January 2, 2014 at 11:14 pm #

      ahaha unfortunately I didn’t make it before midnight of 2014. But by golly I’m determined and I shall get there. I have a change jar started in my room and everything.


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