Okay, let me be frank here. What the hell happened to Black Friday?
Oh it’s still there, sure. But it looks funny this year. Don’t be fooled: November 25th is not what it seems.
Every year, my brother and I have a Black Friday tradition. We get the flyers ahead of time and scope out the deals. My brother is a total nerdy nerd so for him this means assessing the tech needs of the family. Need a new television? Mike’s got it covered. Want to watch your favorite movies on Blu-Ray but can’t justify replacing your DVDs? No worries: Mike will heed your concerns in November. Heck, last year he got three DVD/Blu-Ray players for 20 dollars each just in case the family decided they wanted them.
The year before, we stood like ice statues outside Best Buy at 3am to be one of the first in line for Mike’s most coveted item of Black Fridays past: The Logitech Harmony Remote. This baby is a fully programmable remote that suits all your entertainment center needs. You program the step by step process for everything from your old school Nintendo to your shiny new DVD/Blu-Ray player (courtesy of Mike, perhaps?) and when you’re finished, it turns on everything you need for a single task with one beautifully orchestrated ballet of genius. Simply push the button beside “play a game” and the correct sound system boots up, the TV turns on, and your video game console emits a soft glow that whispers it’s ready.
That’s a beautiful purchase, my friends.
It’s not just about paying only a fraction of the price for life-changing goods. It’s a hardcore bonding experience. There’s nothing like forcing yourself into a vertical position and prying your eyelids open with your fingers on a still-digesting stomach full of turkey to reinforce that brother-sister love.
Mike and I are highly evolved species in a capitalistic society. It’s a test of evolution, do you understand? We have to stand in line looking like hell frozen over, shaking with coffee that was cold the moment it was put in our hands and yet keep our limbs warm enough to dart through aisles to nab those deals before nimble and ever-persistent soccer moms. Success means we’re at the top of the food chain. And we’re always successful.
But this year it’s different.
What a sham.
Some stores are opening at midnight. That means that there’s no scraping our skins out of bed – we simply have to go to bed late the night before. There is no early morning coffee and driving home as the sun comes up, laughing at our delirium and celebrating a wagon full of gadgets. There’s no test of evolution.
Even worse, some folks are opening their doors on Thanksgiving Day. It isn’t enough to test your ability to get out of bed in the morning or to stay up late at night; now we must test family loyalty. In order to get the brightest and best catches this holiday season, you’ll need to skip the egg nog around the fire or the sneaking of cold turkey throughout a good game of cards. You’ll have to end the festivities of one day to embark on the capitalistic traditions of the next.
So thanks, but no thanks, Black Friday. You’ve been a great, unexpected festivity born of exhaustion and early morning laughter. But I’m not forking over conversation with family and late night board games for bright flyers and percent-off signs. You’re in uncharted territory. You can’t compete. I wish you nothing but failure this year.
Next year I want my Black Friday back. ♣
The Jackie Blog 