I would like to take a moment to address a woman I met in an intersection this week. Let’s call her Patty.
You see, I would have addressed Patty in the moment but I was unable to. I was too busy trying to avoid the mountain of metal she was commandeering so that I didn’t die a painful, car-to-the-head death. I suppose after I narrowly avoided said mountain of metal, I could have mentioned it but I was too taken aback by the ridiculous face she made, which looked somewhat like this:
Well, that’ s my face doing an impression of her face and poorly cropping it.
This is me.
Also poorly cropped. And in a Yoshi go-kart. I’m disappointed that this image is not representative of my actual vehicle.
I digress.
Somehow though I was following the rules of good American citizenship and driving according to the details laid out in my Pennsylvania Driver’s Manual, this woman seemed to think that it was my fault she was going to hit me. And since I never caught up to her to hurdle insults and a driver’s manual through her window, she’ll never know the error of her ways. In fact, she probably went home to tell her boyfriend all about the idiot she almost collided with in the intersection.
I don’t like fibbers. And I don’t like to miss teaching opportunities. I don’t really think I can go on with my life having not taken the time to do my part in educating America. And though Patty is probably going to drive around like a moron the rest of her life unenlightened and all her boyfriends are going to think she has terrible luck on the road, it is my mission here on The Jackie Blog to ensure all my readers are not Pattys. So here I give you:
How to turn onto a multi-laned intersection:
Chapter 3 of “Learning to Drive” from the PA Driver’s Manual. Seriously.
Now, the fact that this information is free and distributed both online and in print may surprise you if you’re a Patty. It’s okay. Take your time settling in. That’s a lot of words and a tiny picture. Let me poorly crop and color it for you.
That’s her in pink in the Birdo cart. That’s me in green in the Yoshi cart. This is the way it was supposed to go. Patty and Jackie want to go west on this lovely roadway, they both have a green light, and so to avoid collision while keeping traffic moving and getting everyone where they need to go, people turn into the same lane in the position as the one they are leaving. I’m in the left lane. When I turn, I stay in the left lane. Patty is in the right lane. When she turns, she is supposed to remain in the right lane.
However, because Patty is, well, a Patty, she thinks that once you get one tire into an intersection, you enter a portal where you’re randomly assigned a new lane based on how you feel that day. But she didn’t enter a portal. She was still in reality, where her car was dangerously close to colliding with mine. And for what was almost my parting image from this world, I was given with this charming face blaming me for my supposed error:
She also exaggerated mouthing the words “WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!?!?!?!” She even mouthed the punctuation. I saw it.
Regarding a left turn in an intersection, the DMV text states “By always turning into the lane closest to the centerline, you also avoid interfering with traffic coming from the opposite direction making a right turn onto the same street.” It should actually read: “By always turning into the lane closest to the centerline, you also avoid interfering with traffic coming from the opposite direction making a right turn onto the same street. But stay alert for those who consider the intersection to be a sort of ‘portal’ wherein their brains are scrambled and they are randomly dispensed into a lane of their mind’s assignment.“
So hey: if you’re a Patty, please reread this until you’re sure you’ve got it down. In fact, just reread the whole manual. If you’re THE Patty – welcome to The Jackie Blog; please email me a picture of your face so I can make this more historically accurate. Please also give your keys to the nearest licensed adult and donate your car to them. If you’re not a Patty at all, please consider sharing this with someone who is.
It will make the world a better place and may one day make me famous enough to afford a Yoshi go-kart. ♣
The Jackie Blog 