How to Drive, Chapter 3

13 Jun

I would like to take a moment to address a woman I met in an intersection this week.  Let’s call her Patty.

You see, I would have addressed Patty in the moment but I was unable to.  I was too busy trying to avoid the mountain of metal she was commandeering so that I didn’t die a painful, car-to-the-head death.  I suppose after I narrowly avoided said mountain of metal, I could have mentioned it but I was too taken aback by the ridiculous face she made, which looked somewhat like this:

Well, that’ s my face doing an impression of her face and poorly cropping it.

This is me.

Also poorly cropped. And in a Yoshi go-kart.  I’m disappointed that this image is not representative of my actual vehicle.

I digress.

Somehow though I was following the rules of good American citizenship and driving according to the details laid out in my Pennsylvania Driver’s Manual, this woman seemed to think that it was my fault she was going to hit me.  And since I never caught up to her to hurdle insults and a driver’s manual through her window, she’ll never know the error of her ways.  In fact, she probably went home to tell her boyfriend all about the idiot she almost collided with in the intersection.

I don’t like fibbers.  And I don’t like to miss teaching opportunities.  I don’t really think I can go on with my life having not taken the time to do my part in educating America.  And though  Patty is probably going to drive around like a moron the rest of her life unenlightened and all her boyfriends are going to think she has terrible luck on the road, it is my mission here on The Jackie Blog to ensure all my readers are not Pattys. So here I give you:

How to turn onto a multi-laned intersection:

Chapter 3 of “Learning to Drive” from the PA Driver’s Manual. Seriously.

Now, the fact that this information is free and distributed both online and in print may surprise you if you’re a Patty.  It’s okay.  Take your time settling in.  That’s a lot of words and a tiny picture.  Let me poorly crop and color it for you.

That’s her in pink in the Birdo cart.  That’s me in green in the Yoshi cart.  This is the way it was supposed to go.  Patty and Jackie want to go west on this lovely roadway, they both have a green light, and so to avoid collision while keeping traffic moving and getting everyone where they need to go, people turn into the same lane in the position as the one they are leaving.  I’m in the left lane.  When I turn, I stay in the left lane.  Patty is in the right lane.  When she turns, she is supposed to remain in the right lane.

However, because Patty is, well, a Patty, she thinks that once you get one tire into an intersection, you enter a portal where you’re randomly assigned a new lane based on how you feel that day.  But she didn’t enter a portal.  She was still in reality, where her car was dangerously close to colliding with mine.   And for what was almost my parting image from this world, I was given with this charming face blaming me for my supposed error:

She also exaggerated mouthing the words “WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!?!?!?!”  She even mouthed the punctuation.  I saw it.

Regarding a left turn in an intersection, the DMV text states “By always turning into the lane closest to the centerline, you also avoid interfering with traffic coming from the opposite direction making a right turn onto the same street.”  It should actually read: “By always turning into the lane closest to the centerline, you also avoid interfering with traffic coming from the opposite direction making a right turn onto the same street. But stay alert for those who consider the intersection to be a sort of ‘portal’ wherein their brains are scrambled and they are randomly dispensed into a lane of their mind’s assignment.

So hey: if you’re a Patty, please reread this until you’re sure you’ve got it down.  In fact, just reread the whole manual. If you’re THE Patty – welcome to The Jackie Blog; please email me a picture of your face so I can make this more historically accurate.  Please also give your keys to the nearest licensed adult and donate your car to them. If you’re not a Patty at all, please consider sharing this with someone who is.  

It will make the world a better place and may one day make me famous enough to afford a Yoshi go-kart. 

25 Responses to “How to Drive, Chapter 3”

  1. Jules June 13, 2012 at 9:44 pm #

    I commute to work by bike two days a week. Let’s not get me started on
    idiots behind a metal death machine. They really rustle my jimmies.

    Totally glad your car was left untouched though! One less bill to pay.


    • Jackie June 22, 2012 at 8:48 am #

      I hadn’t even been biking to work for 6 months when a truck sideswiped me. Kept going like nothing happened. And let’s not forget Dave’s awful bike accident from last year that left him without any forearm skin to speak of. I get livid about automobiles vs. bicycles.


  2. halefire323 June 13, 2012 at 10:16 pm #

    I will never understand why these simple driving rules are completely forgotten once the license is obtained. *shakes head* Oh well, at least you made it on your way safely. 🙂


    • Jackie June 22, 2012 at 8:47 am #

      I think they were never really known in the first place. I don’t know about you but in Suburbia, PA, we didn’t exactly get to take our test using multi-laned intersections.


  3. Ro June 13, 2012 at 11:02 pm #

    I had someone nearly run into me today (I was in the left lane, she wanted to move into my lane because there was a stopped bus in front of her. She didn’t quite seem to care that I was already occupying said lane). I appropriately honked my horn at her. She proceeded to throw her cigarette butt out the window. 1) No wonder you can’t drive, you terrible Patty, you! I swear, cigarettes are equally bad as cell phones when it comes to driving. And 2) I think she was trying to make my car explode or something. What a jerk! If I remember correctly, a few choice words flew out of my mouth in those moments. None of which smoker Patty heard, but she should have.


    • Jackie June 22, 2012 at 8:47 am #

      LOL I love the idea that she may have been trying to make your car explode.


  4. clownonfire June 14, 2012 at 7:10 am #

    Were you in Montreal? Cause all of our drivers could have been Patty… And they wouldn’t be signalling when turning….
    Le Clown


    • Jackie June 22, 2012 at 8:46 am #

      turning without a signal drives me to insanity. ugh.


  5. artreviewed June 14, 2012 at 7:18 am #

    I live in the uk and not long ago passed my test..we have drivers like that over here too. Makes you wonder if they actually hold a licence or have passed their test! Hope u r ok! xx


    • Jackie June 22, 2012 at 8:46 am #

      Sometimes I think we would do well to have to retest every once in a while. But then I remember how awful the DMV is and I figure I’ll take my chances on the road.


  6. pegoleg June 14, 2012 at 9:53 am #

    Perhaps Patty was operating under the assumption that “right turn has the right of way” means that she gets to go first and you have to wait until she is done to turn left. Oh, she still needs to die a fiery, painful death in her really cute car, but, yeah.


    • Jackie June 22, 2012 at 8:45 am #

      There are no excuses to be had for the Patty.


  7. Amy June 14, 2012 at 11:06 am #

    I would have enlightened Patty with what I was doing with a charming hand gesture.


    • Jackie June 22, 2012 at 8:45 am #

      I should really try that more often. I usually want to reason with people but that’s just nonsense on the road.


  8. thesinglecell June 14, 2012 at 1:20 pm #

    It would have been super-unfortunate if she has crunched up your car, because we know you’ve had a bit of a history with crunched-up modes of transport (usually involving Dave, as I recall). However, you have now given me a new, less blue name to call people who don’t know what the fizz they’re doing on my long and tedious commute. Thanks for that.


    • Jackie June 22, 2012 at 8:45 am #

      haha aw Poor Dave. And yes, super-unfortunate indeed since we’re STILL dealing with the wreck from October (insurance is lovely).


  9. Samantha June 14, 2012 at 9:29 pm #

    Bad drivers make me so ragey. Like you can do the lane-portal thing, but you’re supposed to LOOK and make sure no one else is occupying that lane. Or pass them first. Something. And there are SO many Pattys. Especially in California. 😦


    • Jackie June 22, 2012 at 8:44 am #

      Man, something about that sad face just genuinely makes me want to help you. But I can’t. Except for by spreading anti-Patty propaganda.


  10. teamzuhl June 15, 2012 at 4:41 pm #

    Thanks, Jackie, for making the world safer. I’ve got a lot of Patty’s to share this with!


    • Jackie June 22, 2012 at 8:42 am #

      just remember: you’re doing your part as an American.


  11. beefhearts July 8, 2012 at 10:26 am #

    I thank you for your dedication and efforts to keeping our roads safe.


    • Jackie July 11, 2012 at 10:18 pm #

      I have an empty mantle if you want to nominate me for something epic. Head Road Safety Officer of America, for example.


  12. jonbucci July 12, 2012 at 5:34 pm #

    This is yet another Pittsburgh driver thing. Most people who live here honestly think that it is ok to turn into a lane that isn’t closest to you. Thank you for sharing my hatred of these people.

    Also I am now officially creeping on your blog.


    • Jackie July 18, 2012 at 11:21 pm #

      I hate it so much. Almost as much as I hate non-signalers. Not to be racist. But I do find it hard to tolerate them.

      I invite creeping. So long as it’s hands-off.


      • jonbucci July 20, 2012 at 2:40 am #

        Always hands off. The hands on approach usually comes with jail time.


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