Fear Mongering

3 Jan

Listen, let’s set up some ground rules.  You know, like kickball.

You’re excited, yes.  I understand.  There are few things more thrilling in life than hulking over someone else’s, mouthbreathing loudly.  Personally, I think it’s the bee’s knees – but you’re going to have to control yourselves.   Texting me at 2pm asking me where my blog update is when I don’t even get off work for 3 more hours is borderline terrorism.   Well, if we’re in the Bush era, anyway.  In the Bush era, Tide commercials were terrorism.

I’m sensing that my 365 project is setting a precedent for fear mongering, not only from you to me, but from me to you.  That’s right: I propose that I am scaring you.

I say this because blogging used to mean that I waited around until something interesting or maddening enough happened so that I had material.  But now… now I’m making things happen so that I have something to blog about.   Friends are wondering if I’ll use them as subjects, my cats don’t lick themselves in front of me anymore, and my coworkers are huddled under their cubicles with the phone already dialed to Corporate waiting for me to blog about work.  One even timidly asked if he was “allowed” to read it.   

Let’s be clear about something: I can be an asshole, but I’m an asshole who needs to pay bills.  Catch my drift?   Besides, when brainstorming today about what I might feature for my first of the Lollipop Tuesdays series (see below), a friend suggested I set up a hot dog cart on the Executive Floor.  How could I possibly stoop to blogging about office politics when I could blog about slingin’ weiners to top execs? Furthermore, my own boyfriend was scared out of his wits before he left that I would make my entire post about his newfound desire to attain a man purse.   Which, I’ll admit, is very appetizing.  Really.  Even just typing the words now has gotten my carpal tunnel all hot and bothered. 

So listen: everything is going to be okay.  Say it with me: “Everything is going to be okay.”

Yes, I have to blog about my life because though I’m inspired to try this project, I’m not inspired to focus it on food or movies or baby animals wearing turtlenecks and eating pasta.  But I’m not out to get anyone and chances are that of all the absolutely moronic people I talk to each day, you’ve got some tough competition to make top rank.  That’s a heartfelt compliment.

All right – so we’re clear now.  I won’t attack you intentionally, and you won’t text, email, call and harrass me if I don’t post before 6pm.  And for the record, my deadline is actually 23:59:59. ♣

Today: We had a little blog therapy together.  Don’t you feel better now? I know I do.

Tomorrow: Lollipop Tuesday.  There’s only one way to find out what that means.  Stop by- it could be kinky.

*Keep an eye out for updates and reveals as Twist365  trudges onward.  With an artist for a father and a software engineer for a brother, I have to be able to pull off something cool eventually, right?*
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