The Underwear Made Me Do It.

27 Jan

It wasn’t until 5:06 pm yesterday that I realized I wasn’t wearing one, but two pairs of underwear.

I noticed it as I was getting changed from my work clothes into my walking-home-clothes and stood in the handicapped stall (the executive suite of the bathroom world), staring in utter disbelief.  How could I have gone all day with 2 pairs of underwear and not noticed? 

I visited the restroom numerous times yesterday thanks to my recently enacted boycott of Starbucks and my tendency to fill the void with Diet Coke.  After all that pulling down and yoinking up, you’d think I’d have experienced some slight discomfort or noticed that I was actually grasping two layers of fabric instead of one.  I blame the mind-numbing nature of the corporate machine.

Even more mind boggling is that I took a shower yesterday morning and not the night before, which means that I didn’t change from pajamas into my work clothes.  I was buck naked, put on a pair of underwear, did my makeup, and put on another pair of underwear

I like to walk home from work most of the time because 1) I’m fat and it’s good for me and 2) It clears my mind and helps me flick the switch from Work Jackie (a terrible beast that froths at the mouth and is almost unrecognizable to Dave) to Regular Jackie (marked by strange quirks, most notably an affinity for self-expression through cartoon voices).    My favorite part of the walk is the large bridge that sits high above a series of winding creeks and bike trails, partly because it’s beautiful to look down and see the paths made through the stark white snow, and partly because the thrill of contemplating the jump makes my veins jump in excitement.  Not because I want to kill myself, but because there’s something so intriguing about imagining the fall downward.  I would never do it, but I have to admit that I stand there staring for an unhealthy period of time.  I’ve considered several times going skydiving to help satisfy this nagging feeling, but the idea scares the bajeezus out of me.

I am an onion with beautiful, nonsensical layers upon layers.

And so on this particular day, I found myself staring at a long way down and readily equipped with a newly discovered extra pair of underwear.   Which, of course, made me want to put them on over my pants and stand on the railing of the bridge with my hands on my hips, wind blowing my hair toward the traffic that was bound to crash at the sight.

But I only released my grip on the rail and trudged onward with my regret.

This morning, I tucked an extra pair of underwear into my bag.  And if you’re on a certain bridge at a certain time of day, you just might see a superhero. 

Image above belongs to nataliedee.com, where you can buy cool t-shirts featuring her quirky pictures.  Click on the image and browse away.  Or check out her blog. She’s kind of a big deal. 
 
 
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8 Responses to “The Underwear Made Me Do It.”

  1. Zenalicious Mommy January 27, 2011 at 9:11 am #

    Funny stuff Jackie!!! At least you did it unknowingly. When my 5 year old son is instructed to “put on a clean pair of underwear” for the billionth time, guess what!??! He put on a clean pair OVER the nasty pair that he’d been wearing for who knows how long.

    So for you perhaps one Tuesday you should go skydiving! 🙂

    Like

    • Jackie January 27, 2011 at 11:36 pm #

      LOL well it’s nice to know that I’ve only slightly improved in awareness between the ages of 5 and 24.

      And I was afraid someone might suggest skydiving 😉

      Like

  2. pegoleg January 27, 2011 at 9:59 am #

    If you jumped off that bridge, you’d probably find that you needed at least 2 pairs of underwear to contain the, hmmm, shall we say “excitement”, that the move is sure to produce.

    Like

  3. Tara January 27, 2011 at 11:22 am #

    That’s hilarious!

    Like

  4. Lori January 27, 2011 at 2:20 pm #

    Skydiving may be a good, week 52 Lollipop Tuesday post!

    Like

    • Jackie January 27, 2011 at 11:39 pm #

      Oh man, that’s two suggestions for a Skydiving Lollipop Tuesday post.

      Maybe that can be my million dollar idea. I’ll start a campaign for it.

      …I imagine skydiving in January is cold, if even allowed, so doing it for a final Lollipop may be difficult. Also, I’ll die. And everyone will post my Lollipop Tuesday explanation all over the interwebz and laugh.

      But I must admit I’m seriously contemplating it.

      Like

  5. Lucy's Mom January 27, 2011 at 10:23 pm #

    LOL, I have never donned two pair of underwear, but I have put them on inside out on a few occasions! Then it’s a quandary whether to reverse them or leave them be. I guess it depends on how soon the faux paux is discovered 🙂

    Like

    • Jackie January 27, 2011 at 11:40 pm #

      LOL yes I manage to do this from time to time as well. Sometimes backward is even a discovery.

      The answer is always to leave them be.

      Like

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