It’s Shamrock Shake season.
I passed a McDonald’s today that had some generic nonsense on their sign about a new burger. This is unacceptable. The only thing that McDonald’s signs should advertise during Shamrock Shake season is the fact that it’s Shamrock Shake season. I don’t care if Justin Bieber has offered to do a live concert inside the PlayPlace ball pit – Shamrock Shakes trump all.
Even the Bieber.
Perhaps they don’t advertise them too much because they’re already so popular. I mean let’s face it – a milkshake made out of leprechauns practically sells itself. And leprechauns are magical so there’s a good chance that imbibing as many Shamrock Shakes as humanly possible during each season will yield some sort of magical effect on your body. Which is why I think we’re all buying so many.
At least that’s what I’m holding out for. Is it just me?
Unfortunately, my body is getting older, slower, and fatter. And as I make my graceful transition from Princess Leia to Jabba the Hut, I have to start paying attention to things like cholesterol and fat calories and stop eating foods that are only one molecule away from plastic. And since it has recently come to my attention that a leprechaun milkshake clocks in at about 500 calories for a small, I have been forced to face a harsh reality: I must either drink far fewer than would allow me to glean their magical properties, or I must only drink Shamrock Shakes and nothing else throughout the Shamrock Shake season.
I think I’m gonna go for the latter.
If I get a little exercise, I can rock 4 Shamrock Shakes a day, which I think might be enough to at least get a slight supernatural sensation in my fingertips and toes. I know my body will get absolutely no nutrients from such a diet (perhaps a miniscule amount of calcium), but I think that if I start to develop magical powers, it will be a fair trade. And I’m taking my super-awesome-take-2-a-day-horse-pill-vitamins so maybe that will give me enough nutrient goodness to keep me alive. Because it would be a shame if I put in all this dedication only to have a slight glow emit from my casket upon my too-soon death.
So if the posts stop coming at some point between now and St. Patrick’s Day, google me. There’s a solid chance you’ll find an article about a girl who died too young and some speculation about the supernatural state of her body upon death. I will be suspect to a variety of investigations, but none will reveal the source of my never-before-seen powers.
Only my loyal subscribers will know the truth. ♣