The Mystical Properties of the Shamrock Shake

20 Feb

It’s Shamrock Shake season.

I passed a McDonald’s today that had some generic nonsense on their sign about a new burger.  This is unacceptable.  The only thing that McDonald’s signs should advertise during Shamrock Shake season is the fact that it’s Shamrock Shake season.  I don’t care if Justin Bieber has offered to do a live concert inside the PlayPlace ball pit – Shamrock Shakes trump all.

Even the Bieber.

Perhaps they don’t advertise them too much because they’re already so popular.    I mean let’s face it – a milkshake made out of leprechauns practically sells itself.    And leprechauns are magical so there’s a good chance that imbibing as many Shamrock Shakes as humanly possible during each season will yield some sort of magical effect on your body.  Which is why I think we’re all buying so many.

At least that’s what I’m holding out for.  Is it just me?

Unfortunately, my body is getting older, slower, and fatter.   And as I make my graceful transition from Princess Leia to Jabba the Hut, I have to start paying attention to things like cholesterol and fat calories and stop eating foods that are only one molecule away from plastic.   And since it has recently come to my attention that a leprechaun milkshake clocks in at about 500 calories for a small, I have been forced to face a harsh reality:  I must either drink far fewer than would allow me to glean their magical properties, or I must only drink Shamrock Shakes and nothing else throughout the Shamrock Shake season.

I think I’m gonna go for the latter.

If I get a little exercise, I can rock 4 Shamrock Shakes a day, which I think might be enough to at least get a slight supernatural sensation in my fingertips and toes.  I know my body will get absolutely no nutrients from such a diet (perhaps a miniscule amount of calcium), but I think that if I start to develop magical powers, it will be a fair trade.   And I’m taking my super-awesome-take-2-a-day-horse-pill-vitamins so maybe that will give me enough nutrient goodness to keep me alive.  Because it would be a shame if I put in all this dedication only to have a slight glow emit from my casket upon my too-soon death.

So if the posts stop coming at some point between now and St. Patrick’s Day, google me.  There’s a solid chance you’ll find an article about a girl who died too young and some speculation about the supernatural state of her body upon death.   I will be suspect to a variety of investigations, but none will reveal the source of my never-before-seen powers.

Only my loyal subscribers will know the truth.

My sparkling future.



10 Responses to “The Mystical Properties of the Shamrock Shake”

  1. scotthaz February 20, 2011 at 9:38 am #

    God bless the Shamrock Shake. I haven’t devoted myself to the four a day level you are looking to participate at but I have managed one a day since the season started. There’s nothng better than the taste of leprechaun!


    • Jackie February 20, 2011 at 10:11 pm #

      I should have retitled this “God Bless the Shamrock Shake.” And no worries – you can start with one and gradually move up to a heavyweight. It will come with time.


  2. The Compulsive Writer February 20, 2011 at 10:03 am #

    There is nothing like a shamrock shake.. Last year, about a week before St. Pats day the McD’s near my house ran out! Ran out! I think they don’t advertise because, well, they don’t have too, we know what’s there. And 2, because what they don’t sell to us, the employees apparently suck down – that is my thought as to why they ran out. I think it was an inside job.

    Great post. Made me laugh…


    • Jackie February 20, 2011 at 10:05 pm #

      I get equally frustrated by “The machine is broken.” That kills me. And I’m determined enough to drive elsewhere, regardless of the shenanigans they try to pull.

      Thanks so much for stopping by 🙂


  3. Lori February 20, 2011 at 10:28 am #

    I forgot it was Shamrock shake season, and that was a good thing to forget. Now, my first priority today is to get me a Shamrock shake.


  4. lucygraywoolff February 20, 2011 at 12:16 pm #

    Don’t know about Shamrock Shakes but I know of Shamrock something else beginning with the letter S……… right on……………I believed leprechauns to be evil incarnate not just magical……..they be the grumpiest, laziest unpunctual critturs alive……….with all that Irish gold one wonders why……..could it b their size …and lack thereof methinks<3<3<3<3?????


  5. Jeff_the_Jew February 20, 2011 at 1:24 pm #

    It’s funny you posted this. I was just having this conversation with some people I work with and we also decided that instead of giving up Shamrock Shakes to lose weight, we would give up other foods to allow the consumption of Shamrock Shakes.

    It is noteworthy to point out that while there might be a lack of Fiber in this new Shamrock diet (actually there’s none), there are 9.7 grams of protein per small Shake, so in my professional opinion, I do believe this would become a successful diet.


    • Jackie February 20, 2011 at 10:07 pm #

      This has been both informative and inspiring. Thank you for your contribution to my newfound cellulite and spells.


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