Vagina Dentata!

22 Feb

Ladies and Gents, Happy Lollipop Tuesday.

This Tuesday, I took a reader suggestion.  If you mosey on over to “What’s Lollipop Tuesday” under the comment from “Caitlin”, you’ll find this gem: “Read a book or watch a movie you swore you’d never read/watch”.

This will be great!, I told Dave.  It’s an excuse to kick back and watch a movie!

Unfortunately, I had to be honest with myself and seriously do the challenge.  I had to face something I swore I would never watch.  Something I would have otherwise had to have been held down by brute force with my eyelids taped open a la A Clockwork Orange.  At first I thought it might be a flick I saw at West Coast Video years ago (back when you had to go to the store to rent a movie) called Killer Condom.

But after some hard, honest thinking with myself, I couldn’t ignore that there was a movie I feared far more than Killer Condom: a cinematic wonderland of abuse, pornography, and horror called Teeth.

Teeth is the story of a high school girl named Dawn who gives speeches and organizes rallies for purity.  She wears a red ring to symbolize her commitment to chastity.

It isn’t really necessary because her unicorn shirts are a dead giveaway.

Unfortunately for her, everyone in Dawn’s school really wants to bang a pure girl in a unicorn shirt and so she finds herself faced time and time again with rape scenarios.   But by a stroke of luck, it turns out that Dawn is the proud owner of a case of “Vagina Dentata”.   With its roots in ancient Greek myth, Vagina Dentata is a rare affliction where one finds herself full of teeth on the inside.   Sharp, penis-gobbling teeth.

I’m sorry but it’s the truth, and I’m using anatomically correct terms.  I don’t know how to make this any better. 

I have to admit that when the movie started, I giggled from time to time with the awkward pauses and the poorly timed beats throughout the film.  But as soon as I realized the movie was actually going to show the effects of Dawn’s affliction – complete with chocolate syrup blood and dismembered…members… my smirk reverted into an expression of horror and disgust.

Perhaps my favorite part of the movie was a scene from Anatomy class, where the anatomy of the penis was discussed with pictures and in full detail and directly thereafter the male teacher tries to move on to the female anatomy, but cannot bring himself to say “vagina” in front of the class.  When the students turn the page to examine the female anatomy in their textbooks, they find that it is covered with a large gold sticker, which, when removed, tears the page to pieces.

But that’s not my favorite part. 

My favorite part is when Dawn takes the book home and soaks the page in water, slowly removing the gold sticker and revealing to herself what a perfectly normal vagina should look like.   There is a look on her face of wonder and amusement – as if an entire world lay before her that she didn’t know existed until exactly that moment in time.

Of course, Dawn’s world of wonder and amusement turns out to be more like a world of murder and dismemberment.  

You see, Dawn has a terrible home life.  Her half brother lies in bed smoking pot and cursing his father for marrying his stepmother, thereby making Dawn (the woman of his dreams) his sister.   He lives in hope that she will someday mosey over to his pot den and have sex with him.  

No one can resist a chick in a unicorn shirt.

As Dawn slowly comes to realize that her curse is actually a superpower and that she can slowly rid the world of disgusting, rapemongers, she seeks out scenarios where she can have sex with sex offenders in order to bite off their… offenders. And each and every time, I got to see the after effects of the dismemberment.

I’m traumatized.

I ate a thin mint girl scout cookie directly afterward, hoping that its innate wholesomeness would help restore my mind to a state of purity, but it didn’t.   I now fear that nothing can wipe these visions of lacerated male genitalia or the absolutely awful acting from my mind. 

It was supposed to be a nice, relaxing Lollipop Tuesday.  A reward, even, for my adventurous spirit in last week’s challenge – but unfortunately that was not the case. 

 I’m not sure how many thin mints it will take to cleanse me, but I’m determined to find out.  

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11 Responses to “Vagina Dentata!”

  1. Lori February 22, 2011 at 9:24 am #

    I’m so glad you watched it so I didn’t have to. Have you seen Manos: The Hands of Fate? Make sure you watch the MST3K version… I’m not sure you could find the original version anyway. It’s the worst movie ever; though, I suppose you have more experience in determining these things than I did.

    Like

    • Lori February 22, 2011 at 9:26 am #

      AM. not did. AM.

      Like

    • Jackie February 23, 2011 at 7:28 pm #

      No I haven’t. And quite frankly after “Teeth”, I think I’m going to have to watch quite a few Oscar-nominated movies to dig out of the muck and mire first.

      Like

      • thorsaurus May 24, 2011 at 5:27 pm #

        May I suggest “The Crying Game?” In a weird, cinematic karma-correction way, it might mitigate your anxiety. Apparently in “Teeth” you were forced to look upon the absence of a “unit” where one belonged. In the crying game you will see a “unit” where it doesn’t belong. Hopefully this will help provide balance for you. :-] And yes, it did win an oscar, best original screenplay. It was also nominated for best director.

        Like

        • Jackie May 25, 2011 at 3:42 am #

          EW. lol! Seriously?! If it was an Oscar winner, I have to check it out. But man, that sounds disturbing.

          Like

  2. egills February 22, 2011 at 10:45 am #

    Now that is one film I really didn’t have the bottle to watch. I’m not good with horror films at the best of times!
    Well done you! Have another thin mint cookie to take the nastiness away it might take a few 🙂

    Like

    • Jackie February 23, 2011 at 7:28 pm #

      Thanks!

      Like

  3. sarah February 22, 2011 at 9:56 pm #

    you too can have vagina dentata…it’s called a rapex condom. google. go.

    Like

    • Jackie February 23, 2011 at 7:30 pm #

      I did go. And I’m baffled.

      Like

  4. ladyruby07 March 18, 2011 at 11:58 pm #

    I loved Teeth. I can’t help it. It’s so terribly bad and does exactly the opposite of what it meant to do. But I suppose my love of train-wrecks means that this movie has a special place in my heart.

    Like

    • Jackie March 19, 2011 at 4:46 pm #

      oh man it’s so hard to watch some of those scenes though! Since this post, I’ve talked to a lot of people who actually really love the movie. I find it hilarious 🙂

      Like

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