Ladies and Gents, Happy Lollipop Tuesday.
This Tuesday, I took a reader suggestion. If you mosey on over to “What’s Lollipop Tuesday” under the comment from “Caitlin”, you’ll find this gem: “Read a book or watch a movie you swore you’d never read/watch”.
This will be great!, I told Dave. It’s an excuse to kick back and watch a movie!
Unfortunately, I had to be honest with myself and seriously do the challenge. I had to face something I swore I would never watch. Something I would have otherwise had to have been held down by brute force with my eyelids taped open a la A Clockwork Orange. At first I thought it might be a flick I saw at West Coast Video years ago (back when you had to go to the store to rent a movie) called Killer Condom.
But after some hard, honest thinking with myself, I couldn’t ignore that there was a movie I feared far more than Killer Condom: a cinematic wonderland of abuse, pornography, and horror called Teeth.
Teeth is the story of a high school girl named Dawn who gives speeches and organizes rallies for purity. She wears a red ring to symbolize her commitment to chastity.
It isn’t really necessary because her unicorn shirts are a dead giveaway.
Unfortunately for her, everyone in Dawn’s school really wants to bang a pure girl in a unicorn shirt and so she finds herself faced time and time again with rape scenarios. But by a stroke of luck, it turns out that Dawn is the proud owner of a case of “Vagina Dentata”. With its roots in ancient Greek myth, Vagina Dentata is a rare affliction where one finds herself full of teeth on the inside. Sharp, penis-gobbling teeth.
I’m sorry but it’s the truth, and I’m using anatomically correct terms. I don’t know how to make this any better.
I have to admit that when the movie started, I giggled from time to time with the awkward pauses and the poorly timed beats throughout the film. But as soon as I realized the movie was actually going to show the effects of Dawn’s affliction – complete with chocolate syrup blood and dismembered…members… my smirk reverted into an expression of horror and disgust.
Perhaps my favorite part of the movie was a scene from Anatomy class, where the anatomy of the penis was discussed with pictures and in full detail and directly thereafter the male teacher tries to move on to the female anatomy, but cannot bring himself to say “vagina” in front of the class. When the students turn the page to examine the female anatomy in their textbooks, they find that it is covered with a large gold sticker, which, when removed, tears the page to pieces.
But that’s not my favorite part.
My favorite part is when Dawn takes the book home and soaks the page in water, slowly removing the gold sticker and revealing to herself what a perfectly normal vagina should look like. There is a look on her face of wonder and amusement – as if an entire world lay before her that she didn’t know existed until exactly that moment in time.
Of course, Dawn’s world of wonder and amusement turns out to be more like a world of murder and dismemberment.
You see, Dawn has a terrible home life. Her half brother lies in bed smoking pot and cursing his father for marrying his stepmother, thereby making Dawn (the woman of his dreams) his sister. He lives in hope that she will someday mosey over to his pot den and have sex with him.
No one can resist a chick in a unicorn shirt.
As Dawn slowly comes to realize that her curse is actually a superpower and that she can slowly rid the world of disgusting, rapemongers, she seeks out scenarios where she can have sex with sex offenders in order to bite off their… offenders. And each and every time, I got to see the after effects of the dismemberment.
I ate a thin mint girl scout cookie directly afterward, hoping that its innate wholesomeness would help restore my mind to a state of purity, but it didn’t. I now fear that nothing can wipe these visions of lacerated male genitalia or the absolutely awful acting from my mind.
It was supposed to be a nice, relaxing Lollipop Tuesday. A reward, even, for my adventurous spirit in last week’s challenge – but unfortunately that was not the case.
I’m not sure how many thin mints it will take to cleanse me, but I’m determined to find out. ♣