Image is "Roland the Headless Chocolate Bunny" by ozyman666. Click the image to go to his flickr.
Last night I was a raw, unbridled beast. I found myself in the deep angst of a chocolate craving.
It’s absurd and truly sad the being I am reduced to when in need of the blessed cacao bean.
When the craving hit, it almost instantly doubled in size upon the realization that I didn’t actually have any chocolate in the house. Any. I kept trying to tell myself I could just eat things that tasted like chocolate but weren’t actually chocolate. But without those either, I had to give up altogether and just eat everything with even a gram of sugar in my entire apartment. That proved simultaneously fattening and unsatisfactory.
Suddenly, I remembered something Dave had mentioned about a chocolate bunny a friend had given him the other day.
I was having a similar test of gluttony the day that Dave was gifted that chocolate bunny and he off handedly remarked that if I wanted, I could have it. Yes. That was precisely what he said. And since I was hungry for chocolate again and didn’t take him up on the offer the first time around, the deal was still on any time I wanted, right?
So I went rabbit hunting.
I searched this apartment high and low, like an eager, foul beast. I immediately went to his book bag but found nothing except books. I didn’t even accidentally see anything incriminating. The whole bag was just hippie sentiments and books.
What a nerd.
Maddened, I went to his bedroom. I looked on every surface, I picked up clothes from the floor, and would have done low, low deeds to have gotten a glimpse of that beautiful eared confection.
My search proving worthless, I decided to use logic. Cupboards! Dave’s a straightforward kind of guy. He probably thinks chocolate bunnies are food and food goes in the kitchen. Please think that, Dave.
I ran to the kitchen ravenous enough to upturn any edible rodents of any kind and claim them as my prize. But there was no rabbit.
Suddenly, it hit me: think smaller!
I rushed back to the book bag and slid my hand in the small side pocket to reveal a crinkly candy wrapper encasing one beautiful, hollowed-out milk chocolate bunny made by…. Palmer?!?!? You’ve gotta be kidding me.
I wanted Dove. Godiva. Cadbury. You know – something that tasted like chocolate. But I was desperate. I tore it open and bit into its unprotected, unsuspecting chocolate ear. It was chalky and disappointing. If I worked up enough spittle to blend with the chalkiness, for a brief moment I could pretend it was sweet, creamy chocolate goodness.
Unable to take the nastiness any longer, I went to throw it in the trash but was struck with a pang of guilt: I can’t throw it out! I sought it out and opened it without Dave being here to say it was okay. I can’t waste it now!
I clicked my Grooveshark from Cat Stevens to “Landslide” by Fleetwood Mac and swam in guilt, regret, and the soothing, wavery voice of Stevie Nicks.
And as I chomped reluctantly into the last foot of the chocolate easter bunny of disappointment, I was hit with another tragic epiphany:
Or wait. Did he say I could split it with him? ♣
The Jackie Blog 
Like most days in my life as a sugar fiend!
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I just took a moment to explore your blog solely for its name (I love me some office humor) and I’m amused.
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You are the first person that I haven’t had to threaten to read my blog – and you’re amused no less 😀 I’ve only been doing this a few weeks, so I cant’t tell you happy I am. I might even blog about it!
YAY!
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LOL threatening… interesting tactic. Perhaps I’ll give it a shot. 😉
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poor Jackie , what a state to get into. but i suppose chocolate can get you like that.
Me , I have a hankerinbg for spponfuls of Horlicks
love P
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What on earth is Horlicks? I could google it but I’d rather have an old-fashioned conversation about it.
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Palmer?!?…hehehe. What a great post. I’ve been there – eating the last vestiges of Halloween candy (the stuff nobody else wants) – foil wrapped monsters and witches by candymakers whose names I can’t even recall. In the end you end up eating more calories than if you had just gone to the store, in the first place, to satiate the craving.
I laughed out loud…thanks!
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haha thanks! Sometimes I keep real chocolate on hand just for these moments. Because this is just an awful thing to endure.
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Only one chalky, chocolate rabbit was harmed during the making of this blog post.
(Does Dave read about your musings?)
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I should have definitely written that disclaimer 🙂 Yes, Dave reads my musings, which is the only reason I’m allowed to write about him. If he’s ever mentioned in a post, I review it with him first to make sure he’s cool with it. He’s so darn supportive he always gives me the green light. 🙂
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I get similar cravings. I try to keep the chocolate well stocked but always have nutella spread and hot chocolate hidden somewhere… it’s not the same but stops me turning into a complete monster!!
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hot chocolate’s a great way to deal with it in the winter – but when the summer comes, it’s rough. I’ve never been much of a Nutella fan, but I’m up for revisiting it 🙂
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I try to keep chocolate in the house, because when I get a craving without it already there, and go shopping, I end up buying enough chocolate to last a few months (but it doesn’t).
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all of it would be gone before a moment of true emergency. in fact, I’ve been known to buy stocking stuffers a week or so in advance and I eat every single one. Christmas Eve always features me wandering the candy aisle for replacements. I’m pathetic.
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What a great post! Thanks for the laugh!
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Your story is precisely why I have secret stashes of Tolberone and caramelo bars so well hidden around the house that sometimes even I forget where I put them. You painted a perfect picture of a chocholic’s sweet addiction!
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I must do this. Kindred spirits have mentioned this, but how do I hide candy from myself?!
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