Follow the Brown Rabbit

30 Mar

Image is "Roland the Headless Chocolate Bunny" by ozyman666. Click the image to go to his flickr.

 

Last night I was a raw, unbridled beast.  I found myself in the deep angst of a chocolate craving.

It’s absurd and truly sad the being I am reduced to when in need of the blessed cacao bean.

When the craving hit, it almost instantly doubled in size upon the realization that I didn’t actually have any chocolate in the house.  Any. I kept trying to tell myself I could just eat things that tasted like chocolate but weren’t actually chocolate.  But without those either, I had to give up altogether and just eat everything with even a gram of sugar in my entire apartment.  That proved simultaneously fattening and unsatisfactory.

Suddenly, I remembered something Dave had mentioned about a chocolate bunny a friend had given him the other day.

I was having a similar test of gluttony the day that Dave was gifted that chocolate bunny and he off handedly remarked that if I wanted, I could have it.  Yes.  That was precisely what he said.  And since I was hungry for chocolate again and didn’t take him up on the offer the first time around, the deal was still on any time I wanted, right?

So I went rabbit hunting.

I searched this apartment high and low, like an eager, foul beast.  I immediately went to his book bag but found nothing except books.  I didn’t even accidentally see anything incriminating.  The whole bag was just hippie sentiments and books.

What a nerd.

Maddened, I went to his bedroom.  I looked on every surface, I picked up clothes from the floor, and would have done low, low deeds to have gotten a glimpse of that beautiful eared confection.

My search proving worthless, I decided to use logic.   Cupboards!  Dave’s a straightforward kind of guy.  He probably thinks chocolate bunnies are food and food goes in the kitchen.  Please think that, Dave.

I ran to the kitchen ravenous enough to upturn any edible rodents of any kind and claim them as my prize.  But there was no rabbit.

Suddenly, it hit me: think smaller!

I rushed back to the book bag and slid my hand in the small side pocket to reveal a crinkly candy wrapper encasing one beautiful, hollowed-out milk chocolate bunny made by…. Palmer?!?!?   You’ve gotta be kidding me.

I wanted Dove.  Godiva.  Cadbury. You know – something that tasted like chocolate.  But I was desperate.  I tore it open and bit into its unprotected, unsuspecting chocolate ear.   It was chalky and disappointing.  If I worked up enough spittle to blend with the chalkiness, for a brief moment I could pretend it was sweet, creamy chocolate goodness.

Unable to take the nastiness any longer, I went to throw it in the trash but was struck with a pang of guilt: I can’t throw it out! I sought it out and opened it without Dave being here to say it was okay.  I can’t waste it now!

I clicked my Grooveshark from Cat Stevens to “Landslide” by Fleetwood Mac and swam in guilt, regret, and the soothing, wavery voice of Stevie Nicks.

And as I chomped reluctantly into the last foot of the chocolate easter bunny of disappointment, I was hit with another tragic epiphany:

Or wait.  Did he say I could split it with him? 

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17 Responses to “Follow the Brown Rabbit”

  1. officeoddities March 30, 2011 at 9:24 am #

    Like most days in my life as a sugar fiend!

    Like

    • Jackie March 31, 2011 at 10:41 pm #

      I just took a moment to explore your blog solely for its name (I love me some office humor) and I’m amused.

      Like

      • officeodditites April 5, 2011 at 10:15 am #

        You are the first person that I haven’t had to threaten to read my blog – and you’re amused no less 😀 I’ve only been doing this a few weeks, so I cant’t tell you happy I am. I might even blog about it!

        YAY!

        Like

        • Jackie April 6, 2011 at 4:40 pm #

          LOL threatening… interesting tactic. Perhaps I’ll give it a shot. 😉

          Like

  2. misswhiplash March 30, 2011 at 9:59 am #

    poor Jackie , what a state to get into. but i suppose chocolate can get you like that.

    Me , I have a hankerinbg for spponfuls of Horlicks

    love P

    Like

    • Jackie March 31, 2011 at 10:42 pm #

      What on earth is Horlicks? I could google it but I’d rather have an old-fashioned conversation about it.

      Like

  3. marylisa March 30, 2011 at 11:04 am #

    Palmer?!?…hehehe. What a great post. I’ve been there – eating the last vestiges of Halloween candy (the stuff nobody else wants) – foil wrapped monsters and witches by candymakers whose names I can’t even recall. In the end you end up eating more calories than if you had just gone to the store, in the first place, to satiate the craving.

    I laughed out loud…thanks!

    Like

    • Jackie March 31, 2011 at 10:42 pm #

      haha thanks! Sometimes I keep real chocolate on hand just for these moments. Because this is just an awful thing to endure.

      Like

  4. Jules March 30, 2011 at 12:51 pm #

    Only one chalky, chocolate rabbit was harmed during the making of this blog post.

    (Does Dave read about your musings?)

    Like

    • Jackie April 2, 2011 at 12:42 pm #

      I should have definitely written that disclaimer 🙂 Yes, Dave reads my musings, which is the only reason I’m allowed to write about him. If he’s ever mentioned in a post, I review it with him first to make sure he’s cool with it. He’s so darn supportive he always gives me the green light. 🙂

      Like

  5. joeandharryabroad March 31, 2011 at 4:12 am #

    I get similar cravings. I try to keep the chocolate well stocked but always have nutella spread and hot chocolate hidden somewhere… it’s not the same but stops me turning into a complete monster!!

    Like

    • Jackie April 2, 2011 at 12:44 pm #

      hot chocolate’s a great way to deal with it in the winter – but when the summer comes, it’s rough. I’ve never been much of a Nutella fan, but I’m up for revisiting it 🙂

      Like

  6. lexy3587 March 31, 2011 at 9:03 am #

    I try to keep chocolate in the house, because when I get a craving without it already there, and go shopping, I end up buying enough chocolate to last a few months (but it doesn’t).

    Like

    • Jackie April 2, 2011 at 12:45 pm #

      all of it would be gone before a moment of true emergency. in fact, I’ve been known to buy stocking stuffers a week or so in advance and I eat every single one. Christmas Eve always features me wandering the candy aisle for replacements. I’m pathetic.

      Like

  7. deenie12 March 31, 2011 at 9:26 am #

    What a great post! Thanks for the laugh!

    Like

  8. Renee Mason March 31, 2011 at 5:07 pm #

    Your story is precisely why I have secret stashes of Tolberone and caramelo bars so well hidden around the house that sometimes even I forget where I put them. You painted a perfect picture of a chocholic’s sweet addiction!

    Like

    • Jackie April 2, 2011 at 12:51 pm #

      I must do this. Kindred spirits have mentioned this, but how do I hide candy from myself?!

      Like

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