After some time with yesterday’s after-school-special post, I’ve come to some startling realizations.
I have avoided a variety of everyday firsts because of my fear of the unknown.
Really – lots of them. Lots of things people don’t really think about until they write a Lollipop Tuesday post and realized that they’re pathetic, fearsome slugs. I have blatantly avoided a lot of things simply because I didn’t know the rules ahead of time or have someone there to help me figure them out.
The rules are the way things work – the logistics of a scenario. Yesterday I didn’t want to go to a restaurant I didn’t know because I didn’t know if I should sit or be seated, what the best seat was, what was on the menu, what the people were like, whether refills were included on non-alcoholic drinks, or whether to pay at the end or take it to a register.
When I have someone with me, it’s okay that I don’t know because that person doesn’t know either and we’ll just confirm that out loud for ourselves and figure it out, no biggie. But when I’m alone, those questions are enough to make me break out in nerve-induced hives.
So I started thinking. If I’m just now noticing this about myself, how long has it been going on? The answer is A Long Time. I’ve missed out on a wide variety experiences simply because I didn’t know the rules and was too scared to look like I was trying to figure them out in front of everyone. Like the school cafeteria, for instance. Do you know what I remembered last night while I laid awake in bed? That I didn’t go through the high school lunch line until the last week of my senior year.
There are lots of rules there and you know it.
Or public transportation, which I still don’t take and never may. Tickets, tokens, passes, quarters, dollars, change, no-change, transfers, seating. And that’s if I even know how to get where I want to go.
And that’s what I hate about people. Well, I actually mostly just hate how stupid people are. But I also hate meeting new ones because I don’t know what their deal is. I don’t want to have to spend all that time figuring someone out with all their complexities and weirdisms. And heaven forbid they figure out mine – what a miserable time that always is. It is a fact (you can verify with my mother) that when I was younger, I would get so nervous for my birthday that by the time I made it there, I spent the whole day throwing up. Every year for several years.
I can’t even imagine casual dating. I would either be paralyzed with fear or just go all Exorcist on them.
Thank the good Lord I have Dave. ♣P90X Update: 6/90 complete. Tomorrow I get a rest day. Actually, it says I can do the DVD “Stretch X” or I can rest. Is that supposed to be a joke? Rest day, definitely.