Emergency Underwear Day

8 Apr

Today is Emergency Underwear Day.

Occasionally, I will come across a pair of underwear that I purchase for their cute pattern or seemingly comfortable shape only to put them on at home and realize they are little cotton hell demons that gradually meander down my butt cheeks throughout the day.

I call those kinds “Butt Creepers”.

It’s really difficult to seem pleasant when greeting high level executives when you’ve got a bunched up ball of cotton lodged between your butt cheeks.  No sense in pulling it back into place – it will only return with more fervor.

This is only one case study from my Emergency Underwear Supply.  I’ve got a whole team of underwear I absolutely can’t stand to wear but refuse to throw out in case I’m really strapped and need a clean pair. By “really strapped” I mean I would rather wrestle cotton out of my rear end the next day than be forced to do a load of laundry.

Adulthood is a beautiful and challenging thing.

Some of the forerunners of the Emergency Underwear Supply include:

  • A lacy nude thong I bought to eliminate panty lines when absolutely necessary.  As it turns out, I would much rather sport a blatant panty line than floss my buns with a dainty strip of lace and pretend that it’s the least bit attractive.    But if it’s floss underwear or no underwear, I’ll take the floss.
  • A pair I grew out of when I got a little more junk in my trunk.  If in a real bind, I’ll pour my butt lard into these but the result is a seriously unflattering quadruple butt cheek effect.
  • Holiday themed underwear.  I don’t want to talk about it.
  • And a slew of the aforementioned “Butt Creepers”.  Those are the absolute worst.  They come in all different shapes and sizes and can hike up, scoot down, or creep into the crack.  They are the ronins of the underwear world.

I’d like to think I’m not alone in this.  I would really like to think that sometimes other people are grumpy because they really do have their Santa-and-his-reindeer-panties in a bunch.

Because today I am, and I do.

P90X Update: 8/90 complete. I feel like I wasn’t intense enough today, but I did it.  I wish working out didn’t take so long to see results.  It’d be such great motivation.


In response to yesterday’s questions on good sites to surf for pics, check out these fine and friendly folks’ response to my question on The Daily Post:

*Jen Clintonsearch the photos under creative commons at http://www.flickr.com/search/advanced

*Colleen Young – http://colleenyoung.wordpress.com/2011/02/13/mathematical-images

*Kattsby Lots of images here http://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/Main_Page

*Erica Johnson –  Zemanta makes it easy to find copyright-cleared images for posts — right from your post editing screen


25 Responses to “Emergency Underwear Day”

  1. Seasweetie April 8, 2011 at 9:10 am #

    Thanks for the references, and yes, I am with you in bunch-butt pantie world – since it’s been 2 weeks since laundry day, perhaps I’ll even join you today.

    Your posts always make me laugh! And you have me thinking about tryin P90X in my new house (which will have room enough to move.)


    • Jackie April 9, 2011 at 11:08 am #

      Do it!! It totally sucks!! 🙂


  2. Ro April 8, 2011 at 10:00 am #

    1. My butt creepers are adorable and have polka dots (adorable BECAUSE they have polka dots?).
    2. Most of my emergency underwear supply are just old. Not grimy or gross or anything, just decomposing off of my tush.
    3. The $6 pack of 5 underwear that you can get at WalMart is the most amazing thing ever. I’m so serious. I swear they fit like a glove every time (I prefer the hipsters).
    4. My lists are awesome. Don’t be a jerk. 😀 HA! Take THAT!!!


    • Jackie April 9, 2011 at 11:09 am #

      1) Yes, that is why.
      2) I totally left that category out. Well done.
      3) I believe you because that’s what I get.
      4) No, they just force me to also make lists. Also, I’m pretty much a jerk.


  3. egills April 8, 2011 at 10:07 am #

    With a house full of sprogletts unfortunately most days are laundry day…

    Will it make you any happier to know I have some rather nice Moomin girl boxers that I tend to keep for such times? ( we collect Moomin mugs / glasses etc )


    • Jackie April 9, 2011 at 11:10 am #

      E, I’m so glad you comment because you force me to expand my vocabulary. Sprogletts?! Moomin mugs?!

      I’m all caught up now 🙂 Thanks for making me smarter.


  4. liannouwen April 8, 2011 at 11:00 am #

    I never throw out underwear that is still “usable”, even if usable means it totally uncomfortable. If I think it makes me look sexy I might even wear it some times for my boyfriend…


    • Jackie April 9, 2011 at 11:11 am #

      I love everyone’s underwear secrets 🙂 Thanks for sharing


  5. wordsweneversaid April 8, 2011 at 11:54 am #

    HA HA HA HA HA !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    I have a drawer full – butt creepers, bunchers, thong-a-be’s(regular panties with higher ambitions), crunchers (a combo of two words – imagination here nonessential) and more – all as uncomfortable as hell.

    I don’t know who designs them but they should take some anatomy lessons and try again.

    You could always take the low road and go without – if you do – reserve a special smile for all the people you will meet throughout the work day who will have NO idea you decided it was time to celebrate your freedom (‘commando for a day’- it could catch on)



    • Jackie April 9, 2011 at 11:12 am #

      LOL yeaaah I hate the feeling of no underwear. I don’t even like to be bra-less. It disturbs me.


  6. Patrecia aka Misswhiplash April 8, 2011 at 12:22 pm #

    That was hilarious! I too have underwear that i need to dispose of. Bras that rub and don’t hold a thimble full of flesh let alone my great boobs, yet because they are pretty I keep shoving them back in the drawer.
    maybe one day I shall have a departing party and sling te lot out


    • Jackie April 9, 2011 at 11:12 am #

      We should all organize a day where we weed through our collections. From all the comments on here, it’s obvious we ladies have some renovations to do.


  7. Leah April 8, 2011 at 5:04 pm #

    This is hilarious! And doesn’t always seem like everyone can tell you’re wearing bad underware? By the way, in the stories of underwear, the other day I got home from a long day at work and realized I was earing the pair inside out the entire day.


    • Lori L. April 8, 2011 at 8:36 pm #

      OMG! Leah…I’ve done that too!!! I blame getting dressed in the dark. While the underwear inside out is bad, I once had a friend who went to work with two different shoes. Yep, getting dressed in the dark.


      • Jackie April 9, 2011 at 11:14 am #

        Wow – the two different shoes thing is rough.


    • Jackie April 9, 2011 at 11:13 am #

      haha I love those days. I have a post about a day where I realized I was wearing two pair. I have no idea how that happens. We must surely be zombies some mornings.


  8. Jules April 8, 2011 at 6:33 pm #

    It’s time for spring cleaning! This is my rule for clothes… I you haven’t worn it for the past year, its time to go. Donate! (this doesn’t apply to underwear hahaha, they go straight to the trash)


    • Jackie April 9, 2011 at 11:14 am #

      That’s an excellent idea. I should do it!


  9. deenie12 April 9, 2011 at 9:14 am #

    I don’t know how you come up with your post topics, but they are so great. You write about things that no one else seems to be writing about, yet it’s stuff that we can all relate to! Wonderful post… I definitely still have underwear that I have no business wearing anymore.


    • Jackie April 9, 2011 at 11:15 am #

      Thanks, Dee. When you have to make something up every single day, it starts to feel like you have absolutely nothing to say that hasn’t been said in the past 3 months of posts – so it’s great to get a little boost of confidence. Thanks a lot. 🙂


  10. pegoleg April 9, 2011 at 11:44 am #

    My emergency stash, which now outnumbers my ready-to-wear stash, is composed of panties whose elastic has given up. I tie up the extra fabric at the waist with a clothespin, and enjoy the feeling of the leg-hole parts waving free as I walk.


    • Jackie April 10, 2011 at 3:22 pm #

      Peg? You need to go indulge in some new underwear. I’m all for Emergency Stashes, but under no circumstances should they outnumber your regular supply. Go. Go now.


      • pegoleg April 11, 2011 at 10:17 am #

        You’re right. I deserve new scanties. Victoria’s Secret, here I..no wait, that’s just not me. K-Mart, here I come!


        • Jackie April 17, 2011 at 1:31 am #

          Peg, I think you should waltz into Vicki’s, get yourself a pair of sensible but sexy underwear, and wear them proudly for a day. Who knows how your day might be affected when you have a sexy secret.



  1. Half Birthed Brain Sludge | The Jackie Blog - March 29, 2017

    […] going to publish it. Just like those good old days of the first 365 when I would write about my emergency underwear collection because I just didn’t have anything else to work with and I needed to post. We’re […]


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