Dear Slow People Everywhere

4 May

 You know, I’m getting really tired of everyone slowing me down all the time.  

I can’t stand wasting time on stupid crap.  I can’t.  I have absolutely no patience for people who make me spend longer doing something I don’t want to do just because they don’t know how to find beauty in efficiency.  So let’s get real now. 

Dear Slow People Everywhere,

Please hurry up.   I know that seems like a really obvious thing to tell a slow person, but I feel like you just can’t be taking things seriously.  I want you to make an honest effort – give hurrying up the good ol’ college try.  Because I know you don’t want to be doing miserable things any longer than I do.  I don’t like traffic or grocery stores or taking care of business over the phone either, but sometimes we have to be adults and do these things and we should try to hurry the hell up so we don’t make people want to scoop their brains out with a melon baller.

You’ve driven me to this.

When you’re walking down a grocery aisle, stick to the right.  It’s easy – just like traffic flow that you demonstrated knowledge of just before you walked in the door.  Because if you want to stop and look at chocolate chips in the middle of the aisle and you’re hard of hearing, I have to say “excuse me” three times for you to notice me and we could have just saved time if you would read a Driver’s Manual and understand it’s an application for life.    Try it in the mall.  Try it at the airport.  Heck – try it when you’re walking down the sidewalk.  The positive effects on society are boundless.

Or hey – how ’bout this one: put your stuff back where you got it.  It’s super easy.  All you have to do is designate where something will live (keys go in the bowl by the door), put them in that spot, and then always put them back where you got them.  Try this for lots of things – wallets in pockets, glasses on side tables – and you’ll always know where your stuff is.   And I won’t have to wait around for you to find it.  Keys, money, license, you know – whatever.  Less stress instantly.

Next, why don’t you consider learning the Military Phonetic Alphabet?  If you have a job that requires you to use a telephone and you don’t know the Military Phonetic Alphabet, you’re slowing people down.  You and millions like you are responsible for slowing down business across major corporations, non-profits, and government entities.  Because when I’m trying to write down your last name and I can’t understand the difference between your “m” and your “n”, it’s really helpful to just say “Mike” and “November”.  Every time I have to ask you repeat what you said, or every time I write it down wrong and get an email returned, or any time you have to stop to think of a word that starts with “u” so that you can spell out something saying “u as in…. umbrella” – is time I could be doing something less miserable than I am in that moment.  So just think about how efficient your phone calls could be.  Really.

And on that note, please put your phone number and name at the beginning of a voicemail.  Every time you put it at the end, you waste enough time to be equal to the amount of your call.  A 3 minute voice mail means I have to listen to a 3 minutes twice to get your number down exactly right.  That’s six minutes of my life you’ve wasted because you can’t say “Hi my name is ______, my number is ___________” right at the beginning.

These are just a few suggestions.  Listen, I know change doesn’t happen overnight.   And with all the years you’ve all slowed me down, I understand these are well-worn habits that will take time to adjust.   But I’m hopeful that after a few attempts at the above suggestions, you’ll start to have a newfound lust for life and grab your day be the horns, now that you’ve added 2 more hours to it.

So buck up, Slowskys – it’s time to start practicing.

Puppies and Sprinkles,




23 Responses to “Dear Slow People Everywhere”

  1. pegoleg May 4, 2011 at 9:12 am #

    I’d caution you to have more patience, but you’re just speaking my secret thoughts aloud. Not that I’m proud of that.

    I’m beginning to see a pattern here. I get the feeling you leave “puppies and sprinkles” when you really want to deliver a drop-kick to the teeth.


    • Jackie May 4, 2011 at 9:18 am #

      I’m seeing a pattern too – perpetual guilt.

      Do you want an apology? Is that what you want? Because I won’t do it. I paid you homage and dedicated an entire post to you that sent you traffic. And I believe I said something about you being like “Pegoleg just happens to be a well-deserving Freshly Pressed Triple Crown holder. And though that sort of makes her sound like a race horse, I actually mean she tends to write amusing and unique posts that WordPress features because she’s amusing. And groovy. And because she’s taken the time to bless me with her sarcasm, and because I follow any post idea I can get these days, I have decided to compose this open letter.”

      That doesn’t sound like a drop-kick to the teeth. Release me!


      • pegoleg May 4, 2011 at 9:25 am #

        Go in peace.


        • Jackie May 4, 2011 at 9:32 am #

          Whew. May I never again walk outside your good graces. Many thanks for this release.


      • pegoleg May 4, 2011 at 9:34 am #

        I’ve been secretly thrilled and seeking to mask it by diversion. I’m so ashamed.


        • Jackie May 4, 2011 at 9:39 am #

          I’ll have you know I read that post aloud to myself several times trying to make sure it was a decent blend of appreciation and witty retort. I’ve been sincerely worried about our relationship ever since. And then I begged for your release just now.

          You’ve played me for a fool. I’ll be expecting an evening out and flowers as recompense.


      • pegoleg May 4, 2011 at 9:48 am #

        Wait a minute; I’VE been secretly worried about our relationship. Sometimes it’s hard to gauge witty vs ticked-off without the cues of facial expression.



        • Jackie May 4, 2011 at 9:51 am #

          Ah – there it is. Yes, agreed. Pals indeed. I wish I had the music from Full House to put behind this. Right when Danny sits DJ down.


  2. Lori May 4, 2011 at 9:40 am #

    Yikes. I do leave my name and number at the beginning AND end of voicemail messages, but I definitely do not know the military alphabet. Yikes.


    • Jackie May 7, 2011 at 12:13 pm #

      That’s okay, lori – there’s still time to work on it. 😛


  3. Ro May 4, 2011 at 10:06 am #

    There is a left side exit on the bypass as I drive to work each morning. I’m guessing that people panic at the thought of a left sided exit and feel the need to ride the passing lane in anticipation of this freak concept. So all you need on any given day is that one person who holds up the passing lane for, like, two miles. Dear Slow People- the reason that the passing lane is so backed up is because we’re all tailing YOUR butt. If you were to stay in your designated slow person lane so people could pass you, the left side wouldn’t be so backed up. Then you would easily be able to switch to the left lane when you were actually close to your exit. I don’t understand what’s so difficult about this. -Puppies and Sprinkles.
    In other news, I’m pleased to see the healed relationship between you and pegoleg. I’m not going to lie- I was worried about your friendship as well. (Mostly I just have a general worrying problem. I’m breaking out in warts.)


    • Jackie May 7, 2011 at 12:13 pm #

      Yes! YESSS I wish that part of getting a license was watching a video on what causes traffic jams.

      I’m sorry that I don’t have more to say about this comment, but I just don’t.


  4. bridgesburning May 4, 2011 at 10:34 am #

    Right on! AND at one time sales people worked efficiently getting you through their lime quickly. Now it is sloow mo. The appearance of efficiency like a hideous horrible thing now…More efficiency I say!!


    • Jackie May 7, 2011 at 12:04 pm #

      Every time I go to check out, I get a good look at the cashiers, whether they have baggers, and what people are in the line with them already. I carefully compose this algorithm so that I know whether I should go to aisle 4 or aisle 12. I’m usually right, but when I judge wrong and get a slow cashier, I want to drag the items across the scanner myself.


  5. KristenSays May 4, 2011 at 10:35 am #



    • Jackie May 7, 2011 at 12:02 pm #

      LOL Thanks, Kristen


  6. egills May 4, 2011 at 10:39 am #

    Better still.. my number is —– — — slowly and clearly then I don’t have to listen to the message two or even three times or even give up completely because I can’t understand your accent or hear you over the noise in the back ground.
    I also think people should be forced to wear indicators when they’re walking, that way at least I have a bit of notice that you’re going to stop dead infront of me and step back into me.
    Straight lines should be mandatory – how many times have I judged a gap between two snails infront of me.. just about to slip through the gap and 1st snail decides to left veer straight into me.
    Um.. I better shut up and climb off my soap box 🙂


    • Jackie May 7, 2011 at 12:02 pm #

      I went to the store the evening after reading this comment and a middle-aged man was walking briskly and stopped very abruptly. I almost slammed in to him and I thought of you. Your recollection of human traffic through the metaphor of snails is lovely.

      And don’t ever worry about soap boxes here. Just put them back on the shelf when you’re done 😉


  7. Jules May 4, 2011 at 12:19 pm #

    Ya maybe those lard-butts at the supermarket could an effort at moving faster. On second thought, that’s probably the most movement they do right behind fetching food from the refridgerator. Professional couch sitting has its downsides.


    • Jackie May 7, 2011 at 12:00 pm #

      You’re a fat people hater, I’ve decided.


  8. Leah May 4, 2011 at 3:43 pm #

    So with you on this one. My favorite: The people who take friggin forever at the ATM machines. I mean, really people, have you never deposited money or withdrawn cash?! There is no excuse for such lag time.


    • Jackie May 7, 2011 at 12:00 pm #

      HAVE YOUR STUFF READY. Yeah, I know. Ugh.


  9. mistressofpoetry May 25, 2011 at 3:58 am #

    An annoying fact observed at various fast food restaurant drive thru lanes: People that do not have their money ready when they go to the pay window, do not even have their wallet out, or worse yet, do not know where their wallet IS. Meanwhile, the cashier is trying to take the orders of the people behind this customer, and everyone behind them (who might be on their lunch breaks and are on limited time) are stuck waiting between 2-5 minutes for that person to find their money, count their money (sometimes penny by penny), or look for their wallet, only to discover they left it at home. What kind of moron says to themselves, hey I want to go eat a burger, jumps in their car and goes to the restaurant, never thinking to grab their wallet so they can actually PAY for that burger and eat it, instead of having to go back to their house to find the wallet they should have grabbed in the first place. I don’t know about you, but I count my money before I even leave the house, and have it ready, in my hand, when I place my order. Another annoying thing is people who will not get off their cell phone long enough to place their order, not knowing that everyone can hear their conversation about Uncle Pete’s new girlfriend and what they think of the dress she wore last Saturday. Meanwhile, yet again, both the cashier and everyone behind them has to wait until they’re off the phone so they can look at the board and figure out what they want. Sometimes I think people should be required to work in a fast food restaurant before being allowed to order at the drive thru of one, that way they know what it’s like to wait on people like them! Ok. Getting off my soap box now. I am totally with you on your post here. Thanks for another great one!


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