You know, I’m getting really tired of everyone slowing me down all the time.
I can’t stand wasting time on stupid crap. I can’t. I have absolutely no patience for people who make me spend longer doing something I don’t want to do just because they don’t know how to find beauty in efficiency. So let’s get real now.
Dear Slow People Everywhere,
Please hurry up. I know that seems like a really obvious thing to tell a slow person, but I feel like you just can’t be taking things seriously. I want you to make an honest effort – give hurrying up the good ol’ college try. Because I know you don’t want to be doing miserable things any longer than I do. I don’t like traffic or grocery stores or taking care of business over the phone either, but sometimes we have to be adults and do these things and we should try to hurry the hell up so we don’t make people want to scoop their brains out with a melon baller.
You’ve driven me to this.
When you’re walking down a grocery aisle, stick to the right. It’s easy – just like traffic flow that you demonstrated knowledge of just before you walked in the door. Because if you want to stop and look at chocolate chips in the middle of the aisle and you’re hard of hearing, I have to say “excuse me” three times for you to notice me and we could have just saved time if you would read a Driver’s Manual and understand it’s an application for life. Try it in the mall. Try it at the airport. Heck – try it when you’re walking down the sidewalk. The positive effects on society are boundless.
Or hey – how ’bout this one: put your stuff back where you got it. It’s super easy. All you have to do is designate where something will live (keys go in the bowl by the door), put them in that spot, and then always put them back where you got them. Try this for lots of things – wallets in pockets, glasses on side tables – and you’ll always know where your stuff is. And I won’t have to wait around for you to find it. Keys, money, license, you know – whatever. Less stress instantly.
Next, why don’t you consider learning the Military Phonetic Alphabet? If you have a job that requires you to use a telephone and you don’t know the Military Phonetic Alphabet, you’re slowing people down. You and millions like you are responsible for slowing down business across major corporations, non-profits, and government entities. Because when I’m trying to write down your last name and I can’t understand the difference between your “m” and your “n”, it’s really helpful to just say “Mike” and “November”. Every time I have to ask you repeat what you said, or every time I write it down wrong and get an email returned, or any time you have to stop to think of a word that starts with “u” so that you can spell out something saying “u as in…. umbrella” – is time I could be doing something less miserable than I am in that moment. So just think about how efficient your phone calls could be. Really.
And on that note, please put your phone number and name at the beginning of a voicemail. Every time you put it at the end, you waste enough time to be equal to the amount of your call. A 3 minute voice mail means I have to listen to a 3 minutes twice to get your number down exactly right. That’s six minutes of my life you’ve wasted because you can’t say “Hi my name is ______, my number is ___________” right at the beginning.
These are just a few suggestions. Listen, I know change doesn’t happen overnight. And with all the years you’ve all slowed me down, I understand these are well-worn habits that will take time to adjust. But I’m hopeful that after a few attempts at the above suggestions, you’ll start to have a newfound lust for life and grab your day be the horns, now that you’ve added 2 more hours to it.
So buck up, Slowskys – it’s time to start practicing.
Puppies and Sprinkles,