Every year around this time, I begin to swim through pages and pages of bathing suits, looking for one that will lift my boobs, flatter my bum, draw attention away from my legs, be gentle on my neck, stay on me when I cannonball, and make me look like a classic beauty.
It never really works out.
I’ve tried to get around the problem(s) by working out the rest of the year so that when swimsuit season finally rolls around, I can wear whatever I like. Each January, I have visions of me piling my arms high with every cute little something, trying them all on and not knowing which one to get. I think of how I’ll be so hot and so carefree that I’ll have swimsuits of all shapes, sizes and colors. I’ll wear them casually, as if they’re pajamas. Everyone will wish they were so confident.
That never really works out either.
So yesterday I started my official swimsuit hunting season. I began to browse through the Victoria’s Secret website (because their tops actually support you instead of making you feel like you’re made out of biscuit batter) and was affronted by a home page with plump, plucked vixens. The company is pushing women to “make it a bombshell summer” and slathering their site with tan, beach blonde, curvy women.
Well, curvy for size zeros.
I began to sift through page after page of pink push-ups, lace, frill, and other sex traps. I like to think that all the women I’m looking at are airbrushed so that the pixels from their waists get put on their chests, but I’ve seen the Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show on TV and airbrushed muscles aside, those ladies don’t have much need. Then, just as I slowly sank further into my feeling of sad, fatty-fatness, my eyes were struck by this swimming tribute to the 90’s:
Um, I’m sorry – is that a wildcat? Okay. You took animal print, made it blue, and then actually put an animal on it. Not even on the back or anything, just right there on her stomach, staring at God and everyone.
There is absolutely no amount of photo magic that can make me appreciate this swimsuit. I do not find this attractive. In fact, it insults me that you’re trying to pawn this off amongst the rest of your line. WHAT IS THIS?! It reminds me of wolf moon shirts.
As if pulling off a swimsuit at all weren’t hard enough, you actually expect women to be able to wear an animal on their stomachs at the beach? My gut would make it look like the cheetah is leaping out at you. Beach-goers everywhere would run from the gelatinous wildcat in sheer terror.
It doesn’t even look that good on the model. In fact, she just kind of looks confused. Maybe she’s trying to figure out if it’s just a joke or if they’re really going to take her picture of her in that mess.
Victoria’s Secret’s site refers to this swimsuit as “Tiger Print One-Piece”. I thought they could get away with it because there are a few tiger stripes woven into the pattern. But the bullet points describing the garment say “bold tiger graphic on front”.
I don’t see a tiger anywhere, actually. Even if I could mistake that face for a tiger’s, I certainly can’t mistake the lack of stripes. That’s not a tiger. It in no way resembles a tiger, aside from the fact that a tiger also happens to be a wildcat.
Entirely disenchanted, I scrolled down the page to be greeted by a “Might We Also Suggest” section, which highlighted items that might compliment the suit well. The signature piece: A long, solid white cover-up tunic that makes it so no one can even see the suit.
Yes. Yes, that’s an excellent suggestion. Thank you. ♣