Strumpets in the Summertime

29 May

This super awesome pic that sums up how I feel about summer skin is called "Vyolet Vygas", by Larry Wentzel. Click to check out his Flickr PhotoStream.

Is it just me or are clothes being made smaller and sluttier?

That has to be the only reason it’s acceptable for all these body parts to be out on display.  It’s not even summer and all the gals in the city are free-flying with their anatomy out in the sunlight for all to see.  Tiny little short shorts, dresses with dangerously high hems, and low, low, low cut blouses.

How, exactly, am I supposed to compete with that?

I don’t really have any good ideas.  I mean, I’ll put on a dress but I’m not about to approach looking like a lady of the night when I do it.  Quite frankly, I was raised a tomboy and the fact that I’m willing to wear dresses or skirts of any kind should have everyone’s mouths agape.  When I reach for a makeup brush, people should have near-heart attacks.

Or at least they would be if there weren’t five girls within a 50 foot radius at all times with their legs and arms and boobly-boobs on display.

It’s not really a matter of competition.  After all, I’ve got a handsome guy by my side and I don’t really have any interest in attracting anyone’s attention but his.  But holy cow if I were him I’d have a hard time paying attention to me.

Since I’m unwilling to go the way of sluttery, I’m going to have to think of something else.  Maybe I could always smell like something nice.  Not flowers or musk – I need something that competes with tittery.  What’s a good scent to get a man’s attention? Bacon? 

I don’t know that would help my cause to be associated with cooked pig.

Why isn’t there already some sort of scent out there to assist in these situations?  Perhaps I should bottle something myself and label it as strumpet defense.   The commercial could feature a bunch of strumpets (naturally) all dressed up in their strumpet clothes (of course) and a decent-looking-but-not-blow-your-socks-off woman in the midst of them with an aura of light around her and a man staring at her with rapt attention.   And then some clever slogan. 

I’m going to have to work on that.   In the meantime, I’ll just have to keep making delicious food and being charmingly dorky.  Because those are really my only two redeeming qualities and I’m not sure the last one even counts.  I’m just trying to slip that in so I can make ‘redeeming qualities’ plural.

Maybe the bacon perfume isn’t such a bad idea after all.  It might remind him of pig, but that will remind him of food and that will remind him of me.  We can go from boob-gazing to food-grazing in 3 seconds flat and I can pull him out of the outside world of strumpetry and into our apartment where it’s safe and where I feed him and make him forget that there are attractive, young women absolutely everywhere.

Oh man- it’s only spring!  I’m gonna need one helluva plan when summer hits. 




31 Responses to “Strumpets in the Summertime”

  1. Lian May 29, 2011 at 9:22 am #

    I wouldn’t worry about perfume so much. Your own natural smell is propbably what’s got Dave attracted to you so a lond shower every now and then should do the trick 😉


    • Jackie May 31, 2011 at 9:50 pm #

      haha well I don’t know that my natural scent is anything other than musk and sarcasm, but maybe that’s what got him going 😉


  2. Lori May 29, 2011 at 9:30 am #

    Well, a few of my friends purchased Pure Instinct at the last passion party I attended… lol.


    • Jackie May 31, 2011 at 9:49 pm #

      LOL Thank you, Lori.


  3. bridgesburning May 29, 2011 at 10:02 am #

    Strumpet defense is perfect and yes you do have obvious redeeming qualities ..I am just glad I never had any girls so I don’t have to lay claim to any.


    • Jackie May 31, 2011 at 9:49 pm #

      oh man – I don’t know what I’ll do if I have a little girl who’s a slutty slut.

      Smack it out of her? aaahaha


  4. Margie May 29, 2011 at 10:35 am #

    I wrote a post called “What Dressing Like a Slut Says”. The picture you posted (by Larry) would have been a perfect graphic for my post!
    Congrats for not joining the Slut Scene…


    • Jackie May 31, 2011 at 9:49 pm #

      And I searched for it on your blog with great success 🙂 Thanks for sharing! And a nice way to touch on what needs to be said without sounding like an ass doing it. There is a certain truth behind his statement, though it was poorly worded.


  5. Jules May 29, 2011 at 11:27 am #

    Where do you live again? Its a sausagefest in the west. 😦


    • Jackie May 31, 2011 at 9:46 pm #

      Western PA. Big college city…. so really it’s just an influx of hotties from other cities. Our natives leave a lot to be desired 😉


      • Jules C. June 1, 2011 at 12:39 pm #

        Wow. What a coincidence. My only other regular e-friend also lives in PA. She plans to hang out this x-mas break in California! woo!

        There must be something I like about females in PA.


        • Jackie June 4, 2011 at 11:11 am #

          or at least their brains anyway.


  6. Seasweetie May 29, 2011 at 11:56 am #

    It’s becoming the equivalent of seeing men in Speedos, in my humble opinion. And we all know there should be a law against that.


    • Jackie May 31, 2011 at 9:45 pm #

      LOL yes. yes, no man looks good in those. really.


  7. thesinglecell May 29, 2011 at 4:39 pm #

    Vanilla and pumpkin pie are aphrodesiac scents to men. Allegedly. Studies have been done. (And I do know men who would wholeheartedly agree.) I often find myself hating the Scrumpets of Summer because they so frequently have evenly toned and evenly tanned skin. I can’t tan – I burn, and I burn in blotches. Sigh. Maybe they have ugly feet…


    • thesinglecell May 29, 2011 at 4:40 pm #

      …Er, strumpets. Scrumpets are a baked good, yes? Or is that scrimpets? Or am I thinking of crumpets?


      • Jackie May 31, 2011 at 9:43 pm #

        crumpets. what the hell are scrimpets? oh man, now I’m all a mess.


    • Jackie May 31, 2011 at 9:43 pm #

      they don’t have ugly anything, let’s get serious. 😛


  8. The_Observationalist_NYC May 29, 2011 at 9:54 pm #

    I’ve heard the scent of cinnamon rolls is an aphrodisiac to men (studies, again… sigh).

    And, upon examining this picture, I secretly hoped that the “strumpet” had her middle finger exposed. THAT would have been classy.


    • Jackie May 31, 2011 at 9:42 pm #

      Mmmm… well that could be dangerous. Coconut has been suggested and I’m in because I don’t really care for it. But cinnamon buns?? I’ll eat my own neck and wrists.


  9. Meanwhile, back at the ranch... May 30, 2011 at 12:10 am #

    boobly boobs….ahhahahahahah!!!


    • Jackie May 31, 2011 at 9:41 pm #

      😀 😀


  10. Michelle May 30, 2011 at 2:28 am #

    No, no, not bacon…beer. Dab a little beer behind your ears. (don’t worry if it gets in your hair since beer’s good for your hair, apparently.) Those sluts will think all the men have been abducted by aliens, when in fact they’re all just lining up outside your house, serenading you.


    • Jackie May 31, 2011 at 9:41 pm #

      lol class. just pure class.


  11. Harri May 30, 2011 at 4:09 am #

    coconut! If you smell like coconut you will remind him of summer and deliciousness and will be much more attractive than the strumpets.

    To be honest though, he’s with YOU and if he has any sense, he wont give a damn about the sluttily dressed summer urchins anyway!


    • Jackie May 31, 2011 at 9:40 pm #

      summer urchins 🙂

      Well I could also use a bit of trimming – on the sides and in the badunka-dunk. But I’ll try this coconut thing and see if that distracts him while I’m trying to lose a few pounds 😉


  12. Tammy May 30, 2011 at 6:05 am #

    I’m so glad you are the sweet, quirky person you are.You have nothing to worry about with those strumpets out there. The artist I live with always says it’s better not to expose all you have to offer. It leaves more for the imagination. Not exposing allyou have has worked for me, I guess. It’s been 32 years and we’re still going strong.


    • Jackie May 31, 2011 at 9:38 pm #

      Thanks 🙂 But your artist probably sneaks a glance too 😛


  13. paulbeforeswine May 31, 2011 at 12:11 pm #

    It’s not just you. I had the (mis)fortune of dress shopping with The Misses for her to wear at her brother’s wedding. It amazed me how scant and slutty the dresses (and stores) are becoming. She’s not a small girl, but she ended up wearing a top that was SUPPOSED to be a “dress”!


    • Jackie May 31, 2011 at 9:32 pm #

      Right?! I hate going into places and honestly not knowing what part of my body the sliver of clothing I’m staring at is intended to cover.


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