Why I Stay Indoors, Reason 129: Movie Theaters.

18 Jul
Iron Man2

The movie theater concession stand - selling disappointment at alarmingly high prices. Photo by "TheWanderingEye". Click to check out their Flickr Photostream..

Movie theaters have mocked me for the last time.

Yesterday I decided to bend over and take the Harry Potter ending like a champ at my parents’ local movie theater.  After all, I’d promised my dad I’d go with him and since he’s a hermit two steps away from swearing off any and all human contact, I felt it my duty to drag him out into the daylight.  Unfortunately, I was in a bit of a rush from place to place yesterday and failed to eat ahead.

‘Eating ahead’ is when you aren’t necessarily hungry at the time you eat, but rather eat because you know you’ll be hungry before  you have your next opportunity to eat.  It’s basic first-year Fat Girl coursework.

So unfortunately, I found myself about to digest a very long, very intriguing movie on a very empty stomach.  And though I almost always refuse to fall for concession stand inflation devilry, I was hungry and without defense.   I tried to make a somewhat well-balanced financial decision in spite of the fact that there basically was none -and ended up squelching my desire for a hot dog based on its $4.50 price tag and instead opted for nachos and cheese – which was just slightly less and seemed slightly more promising.

It wasn’t.  The nachos were terrible.  Terrible in that way that makes you feel filthy inside.  Like you’re gnawing on flavored cardboard that used to have something tasty in it but is now long gone.

I was in a bit of a predicament, as the  nachos were far too disgusting to eat, but that I’d eaten enough that I couldn’t return them.  And if I truly wanted any satisfaction I’d have to try for the hot dog or make it through the movie battling my hunger like Harry battled He Who Shall Not Be Named.

I was weak and sad and went back to the concessions to drop a few more of my hard-earned American dollars on terrible food.  I went for the hot dog, but was informed that they ran out of ones that had been cooked by a heat lamp and that the only way I could have one was if I wanted it microwaved.


So I did it.  I paid $4.50 for a microwaved pig butt on a bun. Not even a foot long.  Just a plain old, stubby radioactive hot dog.

I was pretty disappointed in myself.  I should have just taken my money out of my bag, licked it, and thrown it in the trash can.  It would have been more satisfying.    But most of all, I was disappointed that I gave money to a business who does not have enough foresight to put an ample number of hot dogs on during at 1:00 matinee of Harry Potter.  Sell one, replace one.  It’s pretty straightforward.

When I finally threw everything away and settled in to the seat to wallow in my misery, I got slight pangs of excitement for seeing the previews.  After all, I’ve done away with television entirely and the only way I even know there are movies out there is if I get to see them at the theater.

Unfortunately there was some sort of silliness going on with the projector.  It flipped in and out on a whim and the sound didn’t play along with the clips.    While someone worked frantically in the booth to fix the problem, I watched a trailer for Planet of the Apes to the soundtrack of an upbeat teenage girl voiceover trying to tell me I could take college courses online in my pajamas.

It’s good to know that 15 dollars I dropped on crap food at least goes toward a well-run establishment.

But hey – that will teach me.  Stick to the old standard: make a queue on Netflix, watch them as they come, and visit Redbox to help squelch any sudden urges.

Stay inside, Jackie.  Just stay inside.  It’s safe there. 


10 Responses to “Why I Stay Indoors, Reason 129: Movie Theaters.”

  1. egills July 18, 2011 at 10:42 am #

    it is so much safer to stay inside… the food in those places are disgusting! I’m surprised that they’re even allowed to call it food – surely trading standards can do something?


    • Jackie July 23, 2011 at 7:00 pm #

      haha I wish. I wish there were something to regulate the massive crimes committed by movie theater stands.


  2. Jules July 18, 2011 at 11:39 am #

    Hahaha. And I thought it was just me who felt like someone chiseled at their soul for buying exorbitantly priced movie food.


  3. pegoleg July 18, 2011 at 5:19 pm #

    I will venture out of my burrow for the theater this weekend, when, like your Dad, I sully the sacred air of the Young Folk World with my 50ish self in order to experience the last Harry. Thanks for the warning.

    p.s. How was the movie?


    • Jackie July 23, 2011 at 6:59 pm #

      Ugh I’m so late in replying to this. How do you keep up with your comments so well!? The movie was good, but I’d venture to say you know that by now 🙂


  4. sanetes July 18, 2011 at 6:01 pm #

    Today I made my reservation for the English version of Harry Potter 🙂 I am so happy, I won’t have to watch Alan Rickman or Ralph Fiennes speaking German. That’s just not IT.

    As far as the food is concerend it is overpriced and it is strictly verboten to bring any. That’s why people usually wait for the lights to go out before digging up whatever they brought (choices are quite diverse).

    Drinks and popcorn are bought in theatres, I actually can’t think of any other place here that sells fresh popcorn.

    I have occasionally been fed by total strangers. I’m not quite sure why it takes anyone just a split second to guess I can’t resist candy.

    But after reading your account, I better plan some decent supper supplies.


    • Jackie July 23, 2011 at 6:58 pm #

      Yes definitely pack well. I used to be much better at it. The problem is that I go unprepared. Next time, I shall prevail!


  5. thesinglecell July 20, 2011 at 7:12 pm #

    Lick your money and throw it in the trash. I love that. Disappointing food is the worst. Well, disappointing movies are bad, too… so I hope you at least liked the movie!


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