Office Anger Management

27 Jul

Yesterday someone at work asked me what my “email number” was.

It’s moments like those that make it incredibly difficult for me to resist the urge to bash my skull in with a stapler.   In fact, I had a variety of taxing conversations yesterday that featured various displays of ignorance and stupidity.  Throughout them all I surveyed the office supplies on my desk and daydreamed about how to turn them into lethal weapons of self-destruction.

When I have to say “T as in ‘Tango, A as in Alpha” 3 times and someone still manages to send an email to “T as in Tango, K as in Kilo”, I am fantasizing of a death by pushpin acupuncture.   When I answer the phone with my name and department and the immediate question on the other line is what my name is and what department they have reached, I am drowning in a tub of ink, with a letter-opener stabbed into my heart.  And when I have to play a voicemail 8 times to catch the number at the very, very end, I am testing man’s ability to fly by jumping off the roof with wings made out of post-it notes.

I’m having a difficult time managing my work anger.  

I’ve considered a multitude of coping mechanisms.  For example, I could install a program on my computer with random pop-up pictures of adorable baby animals.   Because nothing brings me down from the rage I feel when someone emails me and then immediately calls me like a bowl of baby kittens.

But in the middle of my thought, a delivery guy came in with a bouquet from Edible Arrangements.   I’ve always wanted to try Edible Arrangements (a bouquet made out of edibles – in this case, chocolate-covered fruit) and I’ve always always wanted to get something awesome in the mail at work.  I assumed it was for my boss, but this time the peasant prevailed and I laid claim to the booty.

It was my loyal reader from this past weekend’s Battle of Bull Run, wishing me a Happy Lollipop Tuesday and thanking me for joining her.    And suddenly all my anger disappeared.   It had been replaced by chocolate covered apple wedges and grape skewers.   I felt like a rock star.  A blog star, if you will.   And my problems were solved.  I don’t need to injure myself with office supplies or have a baby goat screensaver.  I just need daily gift deliveries at my place of work.  Preferably chocolate.

So, you know.  Feel free.

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18 Responses to “Office Anger Management”

  1. DaddyBird July 27, 2011 at 9:28 am #

    Thanks to you I just Googled “bowl of baby kittens”.
    A good thing, or just Internet age Pavlovian reaction?
    😛

    Like

    • Jackie July 27, 2011 at 8:36 pm #

      I’m not sure which, but I for one am happy that the Interwebz can deliver me such things on demand.

      Like

  2. Lori L July 27, 2011 at 1:07 pm #

    This should make you smile…yesterday my sister, who works for a big name insurance company as an executive assistant got this response to her email notifying them of some upcoming agent training: (I cut and pasted this, all caps is verbatim)

    “CAN WE PLEASE RE-SCHEDULE. WE WERE VERY BUSY AND SHOT AN EMPLOYEE.”

    I guess that’s one way to handle workplace stress. 🙂

    Like

    • Jackie July 27, 2011 at 8:34 pm #

      LOL I’m curious to know what exactly they *intended* to write…

      Like

      • pegoleg July 28, 2011 at 11:57 am #

        I would guess they were “short an employee”. But maybe they meant what they said – the job market is tough right now.

        Like

        • Jackie August 10, 2011 at 1:07 am #

          you know, I read that several times and I didn’t even think to put an ‘r’ in. STUPID STUPID STUPID.

          Like

  3. liannouwen July 27, 2011 at 1:34 pm #

    Yummie! I could do with some office delivered chocolates once in a while… enjoy it while it lasts! Next time I’d be happy to send you a picture of cute baby animals, just say the word 😉

    Like

    • Jackie July 27, 2011 at 8:34 pm #

      baby cute animals got nothin on an apple slice coated in dark chocolate. emmmmm.

      but thanks 🙂

      Like

  4. mistressofpoetry July 27, 2011 at 2:28 pm #

    Oh I am so going to order myself some of those some day. They sound and look delicious!

    Like

    • Jackie July 27, 2011 at 8:33 pm #

      Definitely do – it’s so yummy!

      Like

  5. Don't Make That Face July 27, 2011 at 3:27 pm #

    mmmmmmm. I just jammed a hershey’s kiss into my mouth full of strawberries to get close to what you got today. Treasure it. It looks to beautiful to eat…almost.

    Like

  6. pegoleg July 27, 2011 at 5:17 pm #

    That’s so thoughtful of your blogging buddy!

    For future office anger management, might I suggest you tone down the self-destruction thoughts? After all, you’re not the problem: the dolts around you are. Try thinking of inventive ways to hurt THEM.

    Like

    • Jackie July 27, 2011 at 8:32 pm #

      LOL I’m afraid I might actually act on it…

      Like

  7. Momma July 27, 2011 at 5:24 pm #

    I feel your pain. I love this blog. Your writing style is awesome. Sometime I’ll have to write you about Postal Office Morons. Have a better day.

    Like

  8. egills July 28, 2011 at 11:17 am #

    Are the baby kittens deep fried?
    Mmm strawberries! Now that’s one way to make me melt.

    Like

    • Jackie August 10, 2011 at 1:09 am #

      they were delish. Sorry I didn’t share with you. If you’d have been working in my office that day, I would have offered one.

      Like

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