The Fatness Cometh

29 Jul

Folks, I have a serious problem.

Super serious.

Some of you may remember a post I wrote not too long ago about my mourning the loss of my favorite ice cream place in all the land: a little shop called Mercurio’s that disappeared suddenly from a little hole in the wall I would have gladly called home.  As it turns out, someone from the shop actually read that post (because I’m famous, yo) and assured me that they would reopen in another part of town.

And so they did.

Today as I was picking at the sale scraps at a few sidewalk sales like a kitten in a dumpster and spyed with my little eye a sign that said “Mercurio’s”.    I couldn’t control the force that took over me and thrust me through its doors to be greeted by the sweet, cool, whiff of fresh gelato. Mmmmm.  And as I stood in line, happily ordering a death by chocolate bowl of sweet regret, I looked to my left and noticed an entire wall was sealed off from the rest of the shop, with a sign right in front that said “Mercurio’s Pizza: Coming Soon!”.

Oh my dear, sweet, Lord in Heaven save me from this great temptation.

I don’t know how to take it.  On one hand, I’m thrilled that someone cares enough about me and my love of ice cream and pizza to make them both out of high quality ingredients and put them under the same roof for my convenience.  Really, I appreciate that.  Obviously someone’s been reading my blog and slowly tailoring a shop to specifically my tastes.  That’s the most thoughtful and large-scale thing anyone’s ever done for me.

On the other hand, I am seriously considering moving beside the shop and never eating anything else ever again.

This is serious.  Like I said: it’s “super serious.”  For years when I first started college I downed an entire frozen pizza and a pint of Ben and Jerry’s twice a week.   That is not an exaggeration.  I spent the majority of my late high school/early college years fat and unhappy by day and fat and STOKED by night.  I love food.  Particularly food that is terrible for me and in mass quantities.

So this pizza and ice cream shop that Mercurio’s is building for me is fantastic and all, but I also just canceled my gym membership.   I can’t even gorge myself and pretend I’m going to go work it off.   I don’t know how long it is until they take down the plastic that separates the beautiful ice cream from the beautiful pizza, but I’m in trouble.  And scared.  Hold me?

After all, this might be the last time I’ll fit in your arms.

They even have an apartment upstairs. Don't mind if I do.


7 Responses to “The Fatness Cometh”

  1. Ro July 29, 2011 at 9:18 am #

    Shut your lying mouth. I’ve known you since those early college days- and you’ve always been lovely and beautiful. Not necessarily graceful or feminine, but that’s why we got along so well. But always lovely and beautiful. So… shut it.


    • Jackie August 10, 2011 at 1:05 am #

      take a venture through my facebook. 😛


  2. egills July 29, 2011 at 10:35 am #

    Pizza AND ice-cream – how cruel is the world!
    Mind that is pretty much what the girls live on given half a chance.


    • Jackie August 10, 2011 at 1:05 am #

      let them feast while their metabolisms are young 😛


  3. pegoleg July 29, 2011 at 10:48 am #

    And after that they’ll knock down a wall on the other side and debut “Mercurio’s MuMu Shop”. You’ll never have to leave!


    • Jules July 29, 2011 at 11:27 am #

      Oh you’re good.


    • Jackie August 10, 2011 at 1:04 am #

      LOL …this is well-deserved. And very true.


Say Something

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: