This week’s Lollipop Tuesday was a learning experience. And a taste of how simple and sweet crime can really be.
Happy Lollipop Tuesday, folks.
After reenacting the Battle of Bull Run in Manassas, Virginia not long ago and then laying down some mad beats by rapping at a crowded open mic last week, I thought I’d switch things up a little this week and go graffiti. Well, not graffiti so much as tag. I’d pick out a logo or icon, cut out a stencil, and go spray it in conspicuous places all over town. After seeing it so long and so often, people would be inspired to search for the meaning of it on Google, which would inevitably lead them to my blog and shoot me into super blogger stardom.
Except not really.
In order for a Google search to be effective, you kind of have to be the most clicked-on result to show in, I don’t know, even the first hundred pages. So that idea was a big, thoughtless bust. But that’s all right, I thought – I’ll just write out “thejackieblog”. Because when you search that on google, it’s one of the top results. I’ll just tag that all over the place. Which will then lead to people to my blog, and shoot me into super blogger stardom.
Except not really.
Because as it turns out, graffiti’s pretty illegal. So I couldn’t just go make a stencil and grab a can of spray paint. Though I would have loved to dress like a midnight ninja and market my blog in the wee hours of the morning, it was obviously a one-way street to arrest given that my blog has my name in it. So I thought of something super genius: spray chalk. Spray chalk! I’d spray it on stencils all around town and it would wash away with the first rain! It’s the ultimate balance between criminal genius and socially acceptable marketing tactics.
Except not really.
Because I didn’t actually buy spray chalk. Instead, I decided to doom myself by not ordering it ahead of time online and instead resorting to a last-minute run to Dick’s Sporting Goods, which Yahoo Answers promised would have it.
Stupid Yahoo Answers. You’re never right.
And since Dick’s didn’t have it (or Michael’s, or Lowe’s, or anyone within a 40 mile radius of my city) I decided to invest in powdered chalk, a spray bottle, and a dream. A hopeless, wilting dream.
Surprisingly enough, I thought ahead enough to send a stencil cut-out to a print shop and get it put on some super heavy cardstock. Then, I carefully cut out each any every little curve and tittle to “thejackieblog” with a little club over the “i” just for pizzazz. After a few grueling moments with the Xacto knife, I started to doubt my entire plan.
What was I thinking? I can’t just throw powdered chalk in water and expect it to work.
And I was right: I couldn’t. Because powdered chalk and water clogs even the mightiest spray bottle. And unless I was headed back to Lowe’s to get myself a super awesome, super long, super-powered sprayer that people use to paint house siding, it was unlikely I was going come out victorious.
I decided to resort to Google to find some homemade, trustworthy recipes for spray chalk and found that corn starch, hot water, and food coloring seems to do the trick. But I was fresh out of food coloring and I’d just spent a large fraction of my paycheck on stencils, a spray bottle, and powdered chalk. I know better than to ever attempt anything without consulting Google first. Silly rabbit.
So I hardheadedly charged forward into the pit of despair with my 8 1/2 x 11 pathetic attempt at a tag.
Have you ever really looked at how big one single slab of a sidewalk is? Like, really looked? Because they’re big. Really big. Too big for an itty bitty 8 1/2 x 11 piece of cardstock to make a difference. Even in landscape orientation.
Dave managed to dab powdered chalk on the stencil and get it to leave a light impression on the cement. A small, barely-noticeable impression. I, however, forged ahead with a sponge and a bowl of powdered chalk and water, intent on plastering my blog name at every major bus stop in the area. But as I dabbed my sopping wet, maroon sponge onto the paper, it soaked through it entirely. And when I picked my pathetic excuse for a stencil up off the sidewalk, it left one enormous blob of disgustingness in its place. Which I then tried to turn into an enormous club (♣) so as to not leave, well, a hideous blob of disgustingness. But I kept trying to round each of the little circles perfectly and you know when you cut a heart out of construction paper and you keep making it tinier and tinier because you’re trying to make it perfect?
It was like that but the opposite. I was left with an enormous maroon puddle that looked as if something had died there not long ago. Like all my hopes and dreams, for example.
So this Lollipop Tuesday was a bust. But I made pretty much every mistake I possibly could, so I can try it again and actually get spray chalk and a stencil on a piece of plastic that’s big enough to be seen after spraying. I’ll be a tagging wiz in no time. I’m determined to do this the crime-free way.
Though in the midst of my frustrations, I must admit a life of crime looked quite appealing. ♣