I’m in a silent war with my neighbors.
Last weekend I spread autumn cheer all over my house and let a little of it leak out into the hallway in the form of a small, smiling scarecrow. I placed it just outside my door, facing the stairway that leads to the entrance of the building so that everyone who comes up the stairs will be sure to notice the cheery autumn greeting.
A few days later I left my apartment to find my little scarecrow turned around entirely, facing the corner as if he was being punished. I thought it slightly amusing, turned him back around, and placed him up against the wall facing the hallway instead of the stairs. I suspected that someone got creeped out by it staring at them (perhaps someone battling a fear of dolls or perhaps a crow battling a fear of scarecrows) and figured that changing the hallway coordinates of my autumn cheer would be helpful.
The next day I came out to find him exactly where I left him – but turned around.
It’s difficult to find the motivation. Perhaps it’s really scaring the bejeezus out of someone. Perhaps it’s just an impish little child playing with my mind. Maybe it’s the girls in Apartment 19 upset because the girly scarecrow decoration solidified their hunch that hunky, charming Dave has a girlfriend.
Or maybe the entire building is conspiring against me. Maybe they hate that I jumped the gun on fall decorations and they’re all working together to exhaust me of the scarecrow.
I should go to the craft store, buy a bunch of autumn dolls, and stick them outside every single door in our apartment building. The ones that are gone in a week are suspects. I’ll start an investigative search and find the perpetrator. And when I have him in my grasp, I will ask him whether it’s a fear of dolls or a fear of early decorating that has them at such odds with me.
If it’s the latter, the punishment should be certain death.
No one who doesn’t appreciate autumn should be allows to live. It’s the most glorious season of the year. ♣