The Plight of the Ginger Sperm

22 Sep

 

Soak it up. Jackie art is rare.

 

First, I’d like to thank you all for commenting and voting on yesterday’s post.  I really appreciate the feedback.  If you haven’t read it yet, give it a shot: I’d love to hear your take.

Now for today’s post: Ginger Sperm.

Some of you may have heard by now (after all, it’s pressing news) that red-headed sperm donors are now being turned away from the world’s largest sperm bank, Ole Schou.  Apparently the demand simply isn’t high enough so the bank isn’t taking offers for ginger juice. There are some obvious jokes to be made here: Eric Cartman is winning, something about red fiery sperm being to much to handle, and (as jakennicksmomma aptly noted after I tweeted the story), the mention a certain article made regarding sperm selling like “hot cakes” is ripe for comedy and disgust.

But I’d like to focus on a heavier matter weighing on me: How could you not like redheads?! 

My entire life I’ve wanted to be a hardcore redhead.  The flaming hair, the pale skin, the freckles spreading over the body like an adorable infection.  I dyed my hair red for a very long time, convinced that it automatically made me more attractive.  Because it did. Redheaded women are absolutely fantastic.  Exhibit A: Christina Hendricks.

I’m sorry I didn’t insert an actual picture of her.  I was afraid her ridiculous rack would shoot out of the page and smack you in the face.

Exhibit B: Jessica Rabbit (same concern).

Now don’t get me wrong: some redheaded genetics can get funky.  Sometimes you end up with a gnarly-toothed, patchy-faced little hellion, but isn’t that a risk we take with every procreation? 

I need to do something to address this issue – a call to action of some sort.  We can’t possibly have redheaded men running around thinking their sperm is only good in Ireland.  Their sperm is good everywhere.  Because everywhere it goes, it brings the hope of another sultry vixen or fair Irish maiden or a wood nymph.

I suppose I shouldn’t just focus on the reds of the female persuasion, but it really does build a better case than redheaded men.  It’s rare that I find myself attracted to a redheaded man.  Prince Harry was cute for a while, but he’s really more of a blonde these days.  And then what – the Weasleys?  I’m not sure I’d be building much of a following for my cause.

Perhaps I’m looking at this the wrong way.  If redheaded sperm lead to redheaded vixens, then I suppose it’s okay that folks aren’t willing to invest in sultry hotness continuing to breed in the human race.  Because with less vixens comes less overall stress about my not stacking up to the Christina Hendricks’ of the world.  There will be fewer of her.

Seriously, are her boobs even possible?

So here’s to the slow phasing out of those of the redheaded persuasion.  You were good while you lasted, gingers.  And let it be known that I was one of your few lone supporters during your stay with the human race.   In fact, one of the reasons I’m with Dave is because he has a bright, brazen red in his beard and I have a lot of hopes tied up in that for him to provide me with beautiful redheaded hellions.

Eureka! Yes – I alone shall carry the ginger torch!  I’ll pop out redheaded boys by the dozen.  And when you realize that no fiery red sperm is to be found but in Ireland, I will be your only domestic provider of redheaded glory.

That’s right – my boys will carry within them the hope for the ginger race.

I knew I had a high calling on this earth. 

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31 Responses to “The Plight of the Ginger Sperm”

  1. wtfhappenedtomyreallife September 22, 2011 at 9:11 am #

    I still do dye my hair red because of the fact that it raises my sexy factor exponentially…and well…I had red IN my natural color before it started getting so much grey in it. I too am a ginger supporter. My son even has a reddish tint to his hair which I am hoping he will one day embrace as his inner ginger 🙂

    • Jackie September 25, 2011 at 9:58 pm #

      It raises pretty much anyone’s sexy factor through the roof. Redheads are hottie hots.

  2. misswhiplash September 22, 2011 at 9:36 am #

    There’s me sitting here wondering what to post about and you do a whole load on..sperm!
    red-headed sperm at that….. It was great and I enjoyed reading it
    Rita Hayworth and Maureen O Hara were two of my favourite redheads and indeed they were very beautiful.

    So well done Jackie, you took a delicate subject and shook it by its red hot tail.. great stuff..

    • Jackie September 25, 2011 at 9:57 pm #

      LOL

      oooh Maureen O Hara was so hot, wasn’t she?

      You can write about anything, btw, if you just let it fester long enough in your head 😉

  3. Bridgesburning Chris King September 22, 2011 at 10:03 am #

    Both my sons and grandsons and many cousins are reheads..guess we’ll keep those genes to ourselves! 🙂

    • Jackie September 25, 2011 at 9:57 pm #

      Make sure they know the task at hand. They are to join the ginger revolution.

  4. pegoleg September 22, 2011 at 10:59 am #

    I, too, always wanted to be a redhead. I totally related to Anne of Green Gables when I was 12, and wanted to be just like her.

    Wish there had been some sort of warning on your blog post that today’s was going to be X-rated, what with the spermatozoon and all.

    • Jackie September 22, 2011 at 11:02 am #

      The title wasn’t warning enough?

      • pegoleg September 22, 2011 at 11:19 am #

        I’m used to plain brown wrappers.

  5. wordsweneversaid September 22, 2011 at 11:29 am #

    LOL!!!!!!!!!!

    I wanted a farm-full of fiery redheaded babies – I adore them!

    I did finally get a wee strawberry blonde munchkin who is now growing his first beard – red!

    That may bode well for the possibility of red headed grand-babies… (or so I dearly hope)

    I hope you and Dave manage to get to work soon – we need all the red heads we can get.

    M.L.

    • Jackie September 25, 2011 at 9:55 pm #

      a farm full! Yes – that should do the revolution justice.

      Red headed grandbabies ❤

  6. Jules September 22, 2011 at 11:39 am #

    o.o

    !clowncar!

    • Jackie September 25, 2011 at 9:55 pm #

      Laughed. Out. Loud.

  7. thesinglecell September 22, 2011 at 11:57 am #

    Please do not caption sperm art with the words “soak it up.” It makes me feel dirty.
    Now, are we talking about orange-redheads or auburn-redheads? I dated an orange-redhead for a minute to whom my friends still refer as “The Fluke,” But one of my dear friends is a ringlet redhead with green eyes and tons of freckles, and her two daughters are the same. A little zest makes life interesting.

    • Jackie September 25, 2011 at 9:54 pm #

      It’s supposed to make you feel dirty. Slimy, even.

      ewww.

      I don’t have a preference, though I personally enjoy auburn redheads more in terms of aesthetics.

  8. phrogmom September 22, 2011 at 11:59 am #

    i have a ginger haired three year old with blue green eyes and freckles! not exactly sure how it happened, since the hubby and i are both brunettes, but the boy is a cutie!!

    • Jackie September 25, 2011 at 9:53 pm #

      Ah – sounds like me. Everyone in my family is a brunette with dark eyes. I soaked up all the recessive genes. And I was so glad to take a little time in Biology to cover genetics so that I knew there was a scientific backing for me not being adopted. Woot to your three-year-old ginger. Make sure he knows he has a sacred task ahead of him to carry on the race.

  9. onemommysthoughts September 22, 2011 at 12:25 pm #

    Thank you for the morning laugh. Love the visual of the boob “issue” that posting a pic of Ms. Hendricks caused. Just about shot tea out of my nose. Much needed outburst for me today. Happy Friday Eve 😉

    • Jackie September 25, 2011 at 9:52 pm #

      lol YES tea out the nose.

  10. jakennicksmomma September 22, 2011 at 12:36 pm #

    Hehe, Thanks for the shout out! When I first saw the title of this post in my “Blogs I Follow” section, I went back to your twitter feed to read the article to my husband. I still can’t believe they said the “stuff” was going like “Hot cakes.” Eww!!

    No really, though, thanks for the shout out. It made my day!

    • Jackie September 25, 2011 at 9:52 pm #

      absolutely 🙂 And yes, totally gross.

  11. Renee Mason September 22, 2011 at 12:42 pm #

    As an auburn-haired, freckle-faced female of Irish descent, I was quite miffed to see this story on the ‘Today Show’. It reminded me of the day a local radio station (redneck, of course!) had men call in to vote on whether they preferred blonds or brunettes. After about half an hour, someone finally called in and inquired, “What about redheads?”. The DJ didn’t miss a miss, simply replied, “Ick, what guy would be attracted to a redhead?”

    Maybe that DJ and the sperm clinic’s owner are brothers from another mother?

    • Jackie September 25, 2011 at 9:51 pm #

      wow. I know SO MANY GUYS who are into redheads. It just seems so strange to me for them to not even be considered in such a contest.

  12. Marylou September 22, 2011 at 1:52 pm #

    I dyed my hair red last year 🙂

    I am indeed a fan of gingers. However, there are plenty of celebrities who give Gingers a bad name (read: Carrot Top). But as for the call to action, Sean already has some plans brewing…

    • Jackie September 25, 2011 at 9:51 pm #

      Ah so it seems. If anyone can save the gingers, he is the best leader for the job.

  13. Sean September 22, 2011 at 10:02 pm #

    I am the King of the Gingers. It’s on the Internet so it must be true (@seanlenhart). I have always found it difficult to be a Ginger when the popular examples are all scraped from the bottom of the DNA barrel. We need a better role model for Gingers other than Ron-I’m-fictional-weasley or Ronald-I’m-in-whiteface-McDonald. People will want red haired men just as much as red haired vixens if they think they can grow up to be well respected.

    However, do I want more fireseed (the proper term for ginger sperm btw) given anonymously across the world? No. Because odds are one of them will grow up to become Dexter. Yep, he’s a Ginger. I said so. Thus sayeth the King.

    • Jackie September 25, 2011 at 9:48 pm #

      perfect comment. ALL HAIL THE GINGER KING.

  14. egills September 23, 2011 at 7:41 am #

    I’m a natural dark auburn, Brian is a ginger – he was a bright ginger as a child but is now dark like me.. I personally don’t see what the problem is.

    Tim Minchin has a lovely song called prejudice….
    Chorus:
    Only a ginger can call another ginger ginger
    Only a ginger can call another ginger ginger
    So listen to me if you care for your health
    You wont call me ginger less your ginger yourself
    Only a ginger can call another ginger ginger

    Check it out it’s hilarious 😀

    Oh Eric Stoltz, Damian Lewis, Robert Redford, Simon Pegg, Toby Stephens ( yummy! ) and Robert Patterson ( Edward Cullen in Twilight ) died his hair red for that part!

    • Jackie September 25, 2011 at 9:47 pm #

      lol I shall have to check it out. Thanks for the fab list of Gingers!

  15. ashlee September 24, 2011 at 1:41 am #

    OK. It is time. I am reviving my blog, Ginger Like Me. Thanks for helping me take this step, Jackie. Check it out, all: http://gingerlikeme.blogspot.com/

    • Jackie September 25, 2011 at 8:57 pm #

      Super duper exciting! Love the premise – and love that you commented on this post with it. Best of luck! Go grab that ginger news!

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