Jackie and the Giant Pumpkin

27 Sep

Hey.  Happy Lollipop Tuesday, folks.

You know, I don’t have a whole heck of a lot to say this week.  Mostly because my hands are sad, cramped little things that are wondering why I submitted them to this torture.  And also because I’m kind of in shock that after years and years of wanting to do this, I finally sat down and had the patience to properly carve a pumpkin without hacking it to little bits.

Because up until this year, that’s really all that happened.

But alas, I have a blog now.  And I’m slowly acquiring patience like a disease.  Lest we forget, last week I did a Rubik’s Cube.  A Rubik’s Cube! And so this week I wanted to see if I could hang in there for 4 hours and celebrate fall with a big rearended pumpkin with holes cut in it in celebration of falling leaves.  I even carved little teeth.  TEETH! I carved them and skinned them  and shouted with glee.

But before I celebrate fully, allow me to mock the stupid instruction manual that came with my “carving kit”.  Which, by the way, I got at the grocery store.  Not the best bet for quality squash mutilation.  Indulge me so much as to allow a direct quotation:

Step #1: Choose a favorite Stencil & detach the black perforated areas.
Step #2: Attach Stencil with tape.
Step#3: Outline the Stencil with a black marker, Poker, or Tracer.
Step#4: Carve your pumpkin with the Carving Tools.
Step #5: It was so easy with this Stencil Kit.

I’m sorry, what?!  I’ll go ahead and ignore the fact that I paid $5.99 for a bunch of crappy plastic “tools” that couldn’t be bothered to label what each is and what it’s best used for.  And hey, I’ll even completely overlook the fact that a truly helpful kit (with book attached) might take a little more time spreading out the action in Step #4 with a few tips or tricks for the beginner.  

But what on God’s green and wonderful earth is Step #5?  Not a step.  The answer is that it’s not a step.


That’s a reflection.  That’s an opinion.  That’s a narrative for a little cartoon of a child carving a pumpkin.  It might be a nice final frame without the term Step#5 attached to it.  

I shouldn’t have even bought the kit out of principle.  

Anyway, after I came down off my angry box and got out my tools, I took lots of deep breaths and continued to do so for about 4 hours until I produced this:


Which, I have to tell ya, is better than any darn pumpkin I’ve ever attempted in the past.  I’ve always wanted to sit down and take the time to make a cool pumpkin that I see on the Interwebz but I give up after cutting the top off and throw it far away from me so I don’t have to look at its enraging orange skin anymore.    But this year is the year that changed it all and I can finally die knowing that I’ve given a pumpkin a fair chance at being super cool.

As many of you know, Dave shares in my Lollipop Tuesday adventures, and I’d just like to take a moment to give you a juxtaposition of our two artworks:

He’s so much more laid back than me.  Look: his even has a tongue.  It’s adorably happy.  

Any by the way, I know I’m jumping the gun a bit on the Halloween fun, but we’re really given such a short amount of time to embrace such a fantastic holiday that I don’t feel even a tinge of remorse.  In fact, you should carve a pumpkin too.

Happy Fall ya’ll.  


23 Responses to “Jackie and the Giant Pumpkin”

  1. pegoleg September 27, 2011 at 10:25 am #

    Great job, Jackie! Right now it looks fierce, but by the time Halloween rolls around, it will shrivel up and look like a grandpa. Dave’s look like it was just let out for a weekend pass with a caretaker.


    • Jackie September 28, 2011 at 8:25 pm #

      yeah I definitely carved early. By the time Halloween rolls around I’ll be roaming the streets cursing other pumpkins, mumbling about this one time I had one that looked pretty good.


  2. Jules September 27, 2011 at 12:13 pm #

    Literally laughing my ass off. Dave’s pumpkin looks like it has downs syndrome.


    • Jackie September 28, 2011 at 8:24 pm #

      awwwwww 😦 He’s so happy!!


  3. mistressofpoetry September 27, 2011 at 12:25 pm #

    Omg my daughter and I love those pumpkins. We’re discussing getting our own pumpkins now. Can’t wait to do our own!


    • Jackie September 28, 2011 at 8:23 pm #

      Oh wonderful! It’s such great fun if you have the patience for it. I usually just carve triangles and call it a day, but it’s really cool to look over at it’s rotting, sad face and think “hey! a few days ago that looked really cool!” 😉


  4. thesinglecell September 27, 2011 at 12:25 pm #

    Your pumpkin is ferocious! I love them both, actually. Yours looks like it’s going to eat Dave’s. Poor Dave’s Pumpkin, all sweet and bashful and cartoonish and unassuming, just enjoying its autumnalness, and then Your Pumpkin is all “I’m going to KILL YOU just to WATCH YOU DIE.” Super-fun. Maybe I’ll carve one this year instead of just piling a bunch of little ones up for my hallway decor.


    • Jackie September 28, 2011 at 8:04 pm #

      lol I love the narrative.

      I think Dave’s is just so darn adorable. I lurve it.

      Definitely carve one! It’s one of the best things to do this season. If you’re feeling ambitious you can even look up some recipes for the junk inside it.


  5. Bridgesburning Chris King September 27, 2011 at 1:24 pm #

    Best and scariest pumpkin ever!!!!


  6. Renee Mason September 27, 2011 at 1:52 pm #

    Jackie, you rock! What on earth did you actually use to carve that thing?? Because you are absolutely right; those kits are as effective as carving a pumpkin with a pair of tweezers. By the way, tell Dave not to quit his day job!!


    • Jackie September 28, 2011 at 8:03 pm #

      lol I used the kit. And… a few kitchen knives.

      But really, the tiny little serrated saw was quite a champ.


  7. iiphotoart September 27, 2011 at 6:50 pm #

    great job on the pumpkin!…looks terrific all lit up.


    • Jackie September 28, 2011 at 8:02 pm #

      why thank you very much 🙂


  8. Oanh September 27, 2011 at 6:58 pm #

    Both pumpkins are awesome, in wonderfully different ways. I wonder what the kids trick-or-treating your house will think: should they be afraid or deliriously giggly? Not being a Statesidian, we don’t celebrate Halloween. A sad thing, too.


    • Jackie September 28, 2011 at 8:00 pm #

      Statesidian, eh? I like that term. What kind of -idian are you? Your blog doesn’t exactly say upon a leisurely stroll.

      Celebrate anyway. 😛 Americans celebrate anything. Even if it isn’t ours. We just make up our own version and carry on haha


  9. carolineg2014 September 28, 2011 at 1:31 am #

    LOL! Ohh Jackie this is fantastic. I love the pic of your two pumpkins. Dave’s pumpkin’s face says “Yay, I like Halloween, derp” and yours says “THE BODIES ARE IN MY BASEMENT”.


  10. Momma September 28, 2011 at 11:07 am #

    I just LOVE the pumpkins. They are too cool!! Wish we would have carved pumpkins while you were home…..they are just wonderful! Dave’s reminds me of Gabe…all happy without a care in the world. Yours reminds me of Dad……come closer my dear and I’ll take a bite out of your soul…..lol.


    • Jackie September 28, 2011 at 7:48 pm #

      Apt observation, mi madre. Show Dad my awesome 3D art skills since he doesn’t read 😛


  11. robin September 30, 2011 at 3:09 am #

    Holly mackerel batman!! That thing is scary, reminds me of me, once a month!! And your right, Dave’s is adorable! Nice job!! I am inspired to decorate!! Attic here I come!!


    • Jackie October 2, 2011 at 8:07 pm #

      Go! Go! Decorate everything!


  12. snehabhole30 June 13, 2018 at 5:38 am #

    Wow I can’t believe I found your blog now…it’s hilarious!😂


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