Just Doing My Part for Society

1 Oct

I got someone ejected from the mouth of Starbucks yesterday.

You know, typically I’m not the kind of person to go all “hey get that dirty little hooligan out of this establishment”, but when I pay 4 dollars for a cup of magic sauce, I don’t really expect to be solicited to while I’m in the place that serves it to me.  

I assume that part of my 4 dollars is for hooligan insurance.

As I buckled under the weight of my heavy eyelids yesterday and wandered over to my local branch of caffeine distribution, I noticed a gentleman positioned right at the doorway, handing out flyers as if they were coupon codes for the coffee shop.   I think one of his key mistakes was that he verbally announced the nature of the flyer while handing it to me and my colleague.  Being all “here’s a discount flyer for 50% hot dogs across the street” is totally fine.  In fact, it’s good information and I appreciate it even if I don’t take the flyer.  But unfortunately this guy wasn’t hocking discount hot dogs. 

He was hocking lingerie and sex toys.  And he said so.

When I’m in an afternoon schlump and headed for an injection of magic and sunshine, I’m not looking for sex toys.  In fact, I think it’s safe to say I’m never really looking for sex toys – much less discount sex toys – and much, much less a very shady, somewhat greasy gentleman handing me a flyer and asking me if I want some.

So I politely turned down his tasteful collage of imagery and yellow and orange highlighter and went inside to giggle.  But my going in must have prompted the business-savvy in him because he came in right behind me with his plastic bag of good wishes and proceeded to approach every female in the joint and hand them his sex toy flyer.

I’ll admit, I stood in line and watched it to my great amusement for quite some time.  Especially when he approached really uptight-looking girls and said out loud the words “sex toys”.  It was brilliant theater.  But the poor little baristas were so busy trying to juice everyone up for the afternoon that they didn’t even notice him milling about.

When it was my turn to order, it took me a fair amount of convincing to get the barista to look across the shop and see the man clearly propositioning women of every shape and size.  I was glad that when he finally took a gander, it was time perfectly for an outstretched hand, a flyer, and a look of extreme discomfort.   Shocked that I wasn’t pulling his leg (apparently there’s something about my delivery that makes someone suspicious of my truthiness), he tasked the nearest female with going after the hooligan to give him a piece of her mind.

He was promptly ousted.

It turns out hooligan insurance is included with my cup of magic after all. 

My story would be better if the hooligan were dressed as a mascot. I've chosen a panda and recreated it here for your amusement. Because I know my Microsoft Paint reconstructions keep you coming back for more. You're oh-so-welcome.



11 Responses to “Just Doing My Part for Society”

  1. psychodynamom October 1, 2011 at 10:30 am #

    Fun post!


  2. JWo October 1, 2011 at 11:05 am #

    That’s hilarious.
    He’s definitely a bad business man. He should be pushing his flyers on the late afternoon/evening crowd.
    They after-work-I-ain’t-getting-laid-maybe-I-need-a-sex-toy crowd would be a much more interested audience.


    • Jackie October 2, 2011 at 7:52 pm #

      LOL If he happens to show his face in the area again perhaps I can pass along your solid business advice 😉


  3. Jules October 1, 2011 at 1:28 pm #

    Can’t a man just hussle for his discount sex toys? jeeez
    This just in! Jackie’s a snitch! snitch-snitch-snitch 🙂

    On a serious note, you’re okay with paying $4 for plain coffee?
    I guess that’s part of the starbucks experience. Similar to the Apple tax maybe?


    • Jackie October 2, 2011 at 7:50 pm #

      For the record, I hate plain coffee and I wouldn’t pay even a dollar for it. I get super jacked up coffee with soy and chocolate and craziness that makes me forget I’m drinking coffee.

      And I only get it when I’m falling asleep at my desk and it’s pay four dollars or get fired.


  4. wordsweneversaid October 1, 2011 at 8:50 pm #



    Why on earth would the man figure a Starbucks shop would be a great place to hawk his questionable wares?


    Why would your barista need to flag down a female employee to oust this creepy critter?

    The man in question was obviously harassing the female clientele – it may seem dated of me but I would have assumed that the ‘barista’ would have wanted to clock in some ‘man minutes’ and deal with this derelict himself.

    I guess I will just have to grumble to myself for a while – no doubt the woman who finally dealt with Mr. Sextoydeal had more…ah…motivational spheres than Mr. Coffee will ever sport.

    (Just my take…)



    • Jackie October 2, 2011 at 7:49 pm #

      Perhaps the female was the manager. Perhaps just the shift manager. Or perhaps the most assertive of the barista bunch. Either way, she did a lovely job at it.


    • Samantha October 4, 2011 at 3:01 am #

      I was thinking this too. But if the female barista did a good job…so be it! 😀


  5. pegoleg October 3, 2011 at 9:52 am #

    Were the sex toys available in vente and grande?


  6. egills October 4, 2011 at 9:44 am #

    $4 for a coffee? Good grief that’s daylight robbery…

    You know when I first started working in my office ( 6 years ago! OMG ) the first thing I did was buy a coffee machine.. no Starbucks rip off coffee’s for me 🙂

    It has to be an American thing I can’t imagining any one try and tout sex toys over here in person!


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