Wrestling with a Poltergeist

21 Oct

Disclaimer: I am not this tall.

Dave has cursed our apartment with a poltergeist.

“Honey”, he says to me in the car yesterday, “this is the first time in my life that I feel I’m not really celebrating October.”

“What do you mean?  I bought pumpkin candles, we decorated the house for fall, and we have a Halloween party to go to at the end of the month.  What else do you need?”

He thought for a moment and said “more horror flicks, I guess”.

I don’t do scary movies. It isn’t so much a problem in the moment that I watch them – it’s the moments after.   I can’t even watch stupid ones.  I mean, I can.  And I’ll even laugh and not jump in my seat and talk about how it’s no big deal.  But truth be told, when the lights are all out and I hear things going bump in the night, I forget about the poor makeup and special effects and I completely let fall from my head the terrible storyline and the stupid acting.  All I can think about is “Oh my bajeezus.  Freddy is coming for me.”

C’mon, I have cats.  They make terrible security guards.

I’ve started a deal with Dave where I’ll watch the occasional horror flick so long as he checks every nook and cranny in the house before bedtime and promises to escort me anywhere in the dark I very well please.  He must tell me that I’m being silly and that my mind is playing tricks on me.  He must do this infinitely until I stop voicing my concerns because I warned him what would happen if I had to watch a movie.

It appears that by Dave voicing his concern for an underwhelming amount of freakiness, we have been since blessed with our fair share.  Last night as he was leaving for a show, I noticed our kitchen light flickering.  Dave said it was no problem – we have plenty of light bulbs stowed away from that research bus we got on a few weeks ago.  But this was no light-dying flicker.  We left our apartment to an eerie, low hum accompanied by zaps and sparks;  there was an electrical fire sprouting from the tentacles of cords on the pole outside.

Someone called it in and I went to the store to get ingredients to bake.  It seemed like a good time for a cake.

But – rather predictably I suppose – when I came home the electricity was out on my street.  With Dave at the show and me home alone, I got to walk through the creepy corridors of my apartment building in the pitch black.  Pretty amusing given that I left a lamp on so I didn’t have to come home to a dark house.

After I lit every tea light we had and cracked an Emergency glow stick (my favorite part of power outages), I sat in my lemongrass/mulberry/cinnamon bun/pumpkin spice scented dining room and thanked God that my laptop was charged so I could at least write something as I waited.

I looked to the living room, where I threw the glow stick for good measure.  It cast a creepy green glow throughout that made me think of Dave’s wish for October horror.   As I tried to shake off the crazies, I noticed that my window was ever so slightly ajar and a high pitched whistle was whirring through the apartment.

I stayed calm.  I thought I’d make a cake by candlelight and embrace the ways of the Amish, so I called my mom for a bit of direction.  She promptly reminded me that I couldn’t use the mixer or the oven.

I told her my oven is gas but she totally won with the mixer.

So I sat.  And stared.  And breathed in the grassy/berry/pumpkiny/cinnamony air.

That’s when my window fell down.

Like, fell down.  The entire bottom half of my two-part window completely came off its tracking and dove onto the dining room table, where I had a variety of candles lit for my comfort.  I rushed to put it back in place, trying to ignore what this would could mean in the context of Dave’s eerie wish, the power outage, the green glow in my apartment, and the super creepy whistle that wouldn’t go away even once the window was yoinked.

What if I wasn’t there to fix it? What if I weren’t sitting right beside where it happened?  It’d be like a creepy poltergeist flick where something inexplicably falls onto a bunch of lit candles and everything starts to slowly catch fire.

What it if I were pooping? I could have burned to death on the toilet.

The power returned to us precisely 2 minutes before Dave reentered the house – an odd timing indeed.  This was just day one of his curse upon our apartment.    

I still have 11 more days to try to survive. 

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20 Responses to “Wrestling with a Poltergeist”

  1. Marylou October 21, 2011 at 9:47 am #

    I’m sorry he cursed your house. That’s truly unfortunate.

    However, I have a plan to get you out of the scary-movie-watching…

    Sean likes Scary Movies too, and I have the same ill fate as you when I watch them, so I regularly refuse.

    So when they want to watch scary movies, they can do it in your cursed house together, and you can come over to my house and we’ll watch Audrey Hepburn or something. Because I do not need nightmares interrupting my all too precious sleep.

    Like

    • Jackie October 28, 2011 at 1:05 am #

      Yes yes yes yes yes okay. haha

      Like

  2. pegoleg October 21, 2011 at 10:14 am #

    You’re not supposed to actually burn those beautiful candles. Probably the combination of all the blueberry/apple pie/linen/grass scent chemicals reacted and caused you to hallucinate. Are you seeing insects, too?

    Like

    • Jackie October 28, 2011 at 1:05 am #

      there was no blueberry, Peg. Please stop misquoting me.

      Like

  3. t October 21, 2011 at 10:20 am #

    i do so hope you’re not going to try to “hold it in” for all 11 days – falling windows be damned!

    Like

    • Jackie October 28, 2011 at 1:03 am #

      So close to the finish line now!!

      Like

  4. Lori October 21, 2011 at 11:03 am #

    How funny! I also leave lights on so I don’t have to come home to a dark house (though I only do this if it’s already dark out when I leave). Kendall and Sam won’t stand for it, so I’ve since gotten night lights. It also helps that our new apartment has a motion sensor light outside.

    Like

    • Jackie October 28, 2011 at 1:00 am #

      Night lights tend to increase the creepy factor for me. I see things in the shadows, etc. – ugh. I’m such a baby.

      Like

  5. Jessica October 21, 2011 at 11:57 am #

    Creepy! And scary that you could have had a fire if you hadn’t been right there to save the candles. My mom is always on me about candles; she has electrical ones with no flame. I think that’s goofy. I did have a glass candle holder (shaped like a lampshade over a tealight) melt and catch fire when I was in college though so the risk is always at the back of my mind. I was right there and able to put it out but it was flaming up like it was paper and it was scary. Now, I only burn one or two candles at a time and no fancy candle holders, just simple candles in a jar. They are always in high places where the cats can’t get to them and knock them over (or burn their whiskers, damn cats.) I’m always amazed of scenes in movies or tv where someone has a gazillion candles lit all around their house or bathroom. I envy the ambiance – I could never do that with my cats.

    I don’t do scary movies either. The hubs loves them and I used to give in and watch one with him occasionally. The last one was The Strangers about three years ago and I’m still disturbed if my mind drifts back and thinks about it. I’m done. I can watch all the sci-fi monster movies you want, but psychotic slasher/killer movies count me out.

    Like

    • Jackie October 28, 2011 at 12:59 am #

      I’ve been into the electric ones just for the ambiance without concern of hazard – but you’re right: it’s a bit goofy 🙂 I worry about the cats sometimes too. In my last apartment, I had to walk around with the building inspector as he took notes and he told me I shouldn’t have candles in a house with cats because he’s seen far too many stupid accidents. Way to instill fear in the hearts of men, right?

      Like

  6. thesinglecell October 21, 2011 at 12:25 pm #

    I love the scary stuff. Wrote a post about it a few days ago. New addiction: “American Horror Story” on cable (I know, no TV for you). Point is: I watched it the other night and then went to bed trying to figure out some of the plotline and totally illogically creeped out about who and what had secretly, silently, invisibly entered my home and was now standing in a doorway somewhere, watching me. If that window thing had happened to me, I would have died. The door to the second bedroom had swung shut during the scariest part of the show, but that was just the cat. Turns out. Allegedly.
    PS – I think Dave’s your bad guy. Awfully suspicious, how the power came back on just before he came home.

    Like

    • Jackie October 28, 2011 at 12:28 am #

      ugh. ugh. Uuuuuuuugh to all of it. I HATE it when my mind runs wild with ideas like that. I know they’re stupid and unfounded, but once they’re in there, they’re in.

      haha Dave being the villain would be the perfectly stereotypical plot twist!

      Like

  7. Jules October 21, 2011 at 1:44 pm #

    LOL! You got me at the poop humour. Call me immature all you want but something about casually mentioning poo makes me laugh.

    As a confession, one of my many fears is dying while on the john. That would suck. It makes me recall a story about this senior citizen who was reported missing. Turns out they found him in the bathroom. He suffered a heart attack while on the toilet. :[

    Like

    • Jackie October 28, 2011 at 12:27 am #

      yay poo jokes! I almost deleted it, too. “one of your many”? Praytell what are the others? Dying on the toilet is so specific. But certainly legitimate 🙂

      Like

  8. knotrune October 22, 2011 at 4:42 am #

    I made a conscious decision years ago to refuse horror movies. I don’t enjoy them, they are not only a waste of time that I will never get back, but I would risk polluting my dreams. I am very careful what I put in my head to protect my dreams. I am a very vivid dreamer and when they behave they are a great entertainment to keep me asleep, which I need for my health. If they get polluted then they are no longer a refuge, my sleep is disturbed and I get sick, cranky, grumpy and no kind of company. It’s in everyone’s best interests for me to avoid them.

    Like

    • Jackie October 28, 2011 at 12:26 am #

      Oh, what a good point! I have such incredibly graphic dreams. Unfortunately a recurring one involved a car accident with myself as the victim. Hadn’t even thought of what horror movies could do to the sweet nectar of sleep. Well said!

      Like

  9. Anita S October 22, 2011 at 11:15 am #

    You must not let him leave the apartment again until November begins! If he is going to curse it, then he should be the one to deal with it. BTW, you have great taste in candles. 😉

    Like

    • Jackie October 28, 2011 at 12:23 am #

      the candles comment seems like such a come on with the winky face beside it. haha seriously though thanks – I’m pretty particular about my candle scents.

      Like

  10. JWo October 26, 2011 at 7:35 pm #

    I’m so jealous because I WISH we had a ghost. hahaha…

    http://thelifeofjwo.wordpress.com/2011/10/26/don%e2%80%99t-come-begging-to-me/

    Like

    • Jackie October 27, 2011 at 11:12 pm #

      Thanks for sharing – love the Natalie Dee shout out!

      Like

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