Visits to the Lady Doctor: A Voluntary Violation

2 Nov

So I had my annual gyno appointment Monday.  It was a hoot.  It always is.

If you’re a dude, don’t stop reading just because I said “gyno”.  Don’t worry; it’s going to be okay.  I’ll ease you into it.

I don’t like going to the doctor.  I know that probably very few people do.  I’ve never really met anyone excited about it.  But I like to think that somewhere out there in the world are people who really enjoy the feedback and want all sorts of probing questions asked of them and to be poked and prodded and looked at with one eyebrow up and a look of distaste for their physical form.

But I’m sure even those folks don’t enjoy vagina doctors.

Listen, I’m just calling them what they are.

I always have to answer all these questions about myself on a little form before I can be seen.  They’re the same questions I answer any time I go to a doctor of any sort: smoking, drinking, sexual activity, blah blah blah.  But this year I found a new one: “Do you wear your seatbelt?”

This seems strange to me on many levels.  Mostly on the level that I’m not entirely sure how whether I wear my seat belt directly impacts the health of my Twinkie-lee.  Obviously if I’m in a car accident there are many physical concerns, but to be honest the safety of my Sugar Basin was never one of them.

Usually when you tell the truth on those questionnaires, you have to have a firm talking to from the doc when they see you.  Luckily, I wear my seat belt, so I didn’t have to have an in-depth discussion about the impact of wearing one for the sake of my Lady Jane.  Though I must admit, I was tempted to just for a good time.

Instead I got to have a lively conversation about a separate question for which I chose to tell the truth: “Do you exercise regularly?”

It’s the term ‘regularly’ that I really can’t get around.  So I checked ‘no’.  And seeing that my weight has increased each year in parallel to my age, my doc decided it was time to have a chat.  I explained that even though her chart says I gained weight from last year, what she doesn’t know is that I actually gained a lot of weight since last year and over the past few months have lost it.

She was unimpressed.  Rightly so.  After all, I’m a little more Jabba the Hutt-y than I would prefer.

I think the real kicker was when she asked what I was doing and I emphasized that I’m eating better and walking a lot (thanks again, no car).  Her response was “Walking is what I tell my 80-year-old patients to do.  Kick it up a notch, k?”

She really is very charming.

So after I felt all fat and disgusting, she violated me, as vagina doctors are paid to do.  There’s something so cold and calculated about it. I appreciate her holding casual conversation with me as she geared up to probe my Cave of Harmony, but I can only be so chummy when you flash a cartoon-sized economy tube of “EZ GLIDE” jelly and squeeze it into your hand as we converse.  Under any other circumstances, I would run away screaming and fumble for my phone to dial 9-1-1.  So the fact that I’m paying her to do it to me makes me feel like there is a deep, deep injustice taking place here.  Or perhaps something prostitutional.

I like that new word I just made there.  “Prostitutional”.  It sounds patriotic.

At any rate, there needs to be some word for it, because “annual check-up” doesn’t really capture the magic of the moment.  

I’d like to think that I’m on the path toward healthy living.  Actually, I know I am because I’ve been consistently losing weight and eating better for a few months now.  I think that when I’m all svelte and wonderful and people ask what my secret is, I’ll tell them my vagina doctor yelled at me.  I’ll tell them I did it for the sake of my Ace of Spades and nothing else.  They’ll be surprised to hear that weight gain was such a concern for the Wonder Down Under and I’d like to see the reactions.

Especially when I tell them that’s why I’m always sure to wear a seat belt too. 

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27 Responses to “Visits to the Lady Doctor: A Voluntary Violation”

  1. Sonja November 2, 2011 at 10:02 am #

    Oh this made me laugh!! I’ve never heard a hoo-ha called so many things in one story! I have GOT to remember those!! Thanks for my morning chuckle!

    Like

  2. pegoleg November 2, 2011 at 10:23 am #

    Twinkie-lee??? Twinkie-lee??? I spewed my morning coffee – thanks Jackie.

    (Congrats on the health-&-sveltification. You go, girl!)

    Like

    • Jackie November 2, 2011 at 8:52 pm #

      George Carlin 🙂 And thanks!

      Like

  3. Anita S November 2, 2011 at 11:50 am #

    Love your euphemisms — they’re so much better than the generic “hoo-hoo”! I don’t get the Ace of Spades, though. Isn’t it supposed to be up your sleeve, not up your pants leg? LOL Have you had any of your humor published “officially”? You should!

    Like

  4. Jules November 2, 2011 at 11:52 am #

    Hehehe. I’d like to get a cup of joe with your gyno. I think we would get along.

    Like

    • Jackie November 2, 2011 at 8:47 pm #

      I’m certain you would. You’re equally ruthless.

      Like

  5. Katherine Gordy Levine November 2, 2011 at 11:54 am #

    The green blush of envy did not deaden my laughter. There are however a few who love visits and even to the Vagina Explores, the only time they get a thrill. Sad fact from the days I directed a Social Work Department in a Woman’s Hospital. Wanted to get all those women vibrators but that surely would have gotten me fired.

    Like

    • Jackie November 2, 2011 at 8:47 pm #

      Wow. This knowledge cannot be unlearned. So. Uncomfortable.

      Like

  6. wtfhappenedtomyreallife November 2, 2011 at 12:22 pm #

    🙂

    My venus canal doctor knocked me out, took all my lady parts (except the troublesome egg and cyst spewing culprits of my condition) and told me that I was allowed to come back for one more exploration, then I would be set free into the world…never to have my sacred flower delved by cold metal objects or probing doctor hands again (of couse unless I was into that sort of thing.

    I am glad to be rid of it all. I feel your pain about going through the questions and the weight conversation. To tell you the truth that seemed to be all that my last vajayjay doctor wanted to talk about until I met with the surgeon and told him to get rid of all that plumbing.

    Like

    • Jackie November 2, 2011 at 8:46 pm #

      Venus Canal!! Congratulations? on no more cold probing. *shudder*

      I have fantasies of her be wowed by my svelte figure next year and me making a reference to this blog, the fame she has that is unbeknownst to her, and telling her I lost weight simply because I thought it was sad that even my vagina doctor had to scold me about it.

      Like

  7. Marylou November 2, 2011 at 1:24 pm #

    I’m just glad that it seems like everybody else ALSO calls it a hoo-ha…

    Like

    • Jackie November 2, 2011 at 8:43 pm #

      I imagine Al Pacino in Scent of a Woman. It’s probably Google-able if you don’t immediately know exactly the sound I hear when I say that.

      Like

  8. SzaboInSlowMo November 2, 2011 at 5:42 pm #

    I’d be laughing harder if you didn’t just remind me that I’ve got my own appointment coming up. Great post!

    Like

    • Jackie November 2, 2011 at 8:43 pm #

      Thanks! Good luck with, well, the whole thing.

      Like

  9. wordsweneversaid November 2, 2011 at 10:50 pm #

    I.
    Am.
    Dying.

    I laughed so hard I think I actually hurt something I didn’t know I had.

    I see freshly pressed in your future and this post fully and richly deserves it.

    M.L.

    Like

    • Jackie November 11, 2011 at 1:17 am #

      haha thanks so much – I’m so tickled you liked it.

      Like

  10. Caitlin Antram November 3, 2011 at 12:56 am #

    I love so many things about this post.

    Such as: the six unique and colorful euphemisms you came up with for the vagina (I can’t decide if my favorite is “sugar basin” or “cave of harmony”), your creation of the word “prostitutional”, and your description of said word as ‘patriotic’.

    Hilarious.

    Like

    • Jackie November 11, 2011 at 1:16 am #

      the vagina was George Carlin, the Prostitutional was mine. I’m hoping to make it a household term.

      Like

  11. The Awkward List November 3, 2011 at 2:04 am #

    So unprostitutional.. I like it! Prositutionalism. LOL I’m gonna have a blast with that word 🙂

    Like

    • Jackie November 11, 2011 at 1:16 am #

      YES! Make it famous. I’m depending on you.

      Like

  12. Jessica November 3, 2011 at 12:57 pm #

    I enjoyed your many incorporated dirty words from George Carlin. Way to make us laugh!

    I feel the urge to brag a little that my current lady doc is the best ever! I had my appointment last week and she was in and out in less than 30 seconds. Then came the quickie breast exam and, I’m not kidding you, the doc was in the room and gone in less than five minutes – more like two! I’ve never had such speedy, efficient treatment that was the least uncomfortable or awkward given the spread-eagle circumstances. Nothing like the dreadfully slow male doctors I’ve had in past years. (Relocating frequently for the Hub’s job means I get the pleasure of making friends with new sugar cave docs every few years. Oh joy.) The only downside of my recent visit was that my lady doc wants to refer me for my first mammogram next year (at 35) because my mom came down with breast cancer this past spring. (She’s ok. Had them removed and doing great.) Not looking forward to the pleasure of that adventure next year.

    Like

    • Jackie November 11, 2011 at 1:15 am #

      Oh yes, I love my doc because she’s fast and (relatively) painless. Glad to hear that your mom is okay! And I have to be honest – the mammogram looks to be one of the most humiliating and painful things I can imagine someone doing to my body. I’m hoping by the time I’m due, they’ll have a better system.

      Like

  13. Adrienne schmadrienne November 7, 2011 at 2:23 pm #

    Love this post! I love hearing and creating new euphemisms for my lady cavern. Word play can add plenty of fun to a boring day.

    Like

    • Jackie November 11, 2011 at 1:00 am #

      To be fair, those are George Carlin’s 🙂 So glad you enjoyed!

      Like

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