I Should Have Been a Cat

14 Mar

It would be nice if everyone could just stop being so super awesome and successful at everything for just a gosh golly minute so I can gather myself and catch up.

Don’t you feel like you’re constantly being bombarded with news of other peoples’ awesomeness?  I do.  And it’s usually people my age being awesome.

Do you know who topped the Forbes list as the number one highest paid musician in the world?

Taylor Swift.

That’s right: the Swifty.  A girl about my age who picked up a guitar and started writing mediocre love songs is a billionaire and topped the Forbes List over a band like U2.   Or how about the Olsen twins?  Two chicks also about my age who are billionaires, icons, and own their own fashion line.  Or how about Lindsay Lohan?  Also my age, except unlike Swifty or the twins, she now makes money for being so awful at things.  

And for taking off her clothes and getting wasted and whatnot, but you catch my drift here.

In fact, some of you may recall my campaign to host SNL over The Lohan, wherein I compiled a list of reasons I would be a better host than her.  And you know what? I was right.  I would have been a better host.  But it doesn’t matter.  Because in spite of the awful reaction she got from people all over America when she hosted, her episode had the 2nd highest ratings of the SNL season.  She’s so successful at being unsuccessful that she’s successful.

How can I possibly compete with that?

I shouldn’t care, but I kind of do.  After all, how can I see list after list of people who are in their 20’s shooting into stardom because they made a Ryan Goseling tumblr or a site featuring cats who spell things improperly, or a page that documents what students say on hiking trails without somehow feeling like I’m missing some great calling to create something stupid and phenomenal that whips me into an Internet sensation? 

This cat sleeps for almost the entire day and is still currently more famous than me.

I blame the Twitter Machine.  It’s feeding me information so quickly about people who are young and fabulous and full of society-altering ideas and thoughts and it makes folks like me feel like they’re at the back of the herd.   I’m the limping, cross-eyed zebra of the magical Interwebz, where young, blossoming starlets and dashing entrepreneurs are tweeting the view from the front of the pack. 

I should probably just disconnect.  How can I possibly feel like I’m accomplishing anything when Twitter is throwing top 10 lists of awesome possums at me and Facebook is constantly updating with engagements, marriages, house/car/pet/job acquisitions, and (Lord help us) creepy sonogram photos?   When the world is constantly shouting at you the things that others are doing that are perfect and lovely, it can be hard to remember that we’re not all going after the same things and it’s okay to not be an OlsenLohanSwifty.

We just have to remember that we’re all on different paths.  Mine is to have a blog where I talk about how I don’t like to do laundry so sometimes I just buy packs of underwear instead.  Or how people leaving long voicemails makes me want to scoop my eyes out with a melon baller.  Or how life is too short to get nervous about pooping in public restrooms.   And while that’s not as profitable as a celebrity fragrance line or a TMZ headline or penning young chick country songs, it serves a noble purpose that only I can serve.

Because somewhere out there, someone has lots of packs of new underwear, a hamper full of dirty clothes, and reads my blog to feel better about it.

Keep on keepin’ on, person somewhere out there.  You’re doing just fine.

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20 Responses to “I Should Have Been a Cat”

  1. klsprout March 14, 2012 at 9:49 pm #

    I will keep on keepin’ on, thank you! And you’re totally right about the pooping in public restrooms thing…


    • Jackie March 17, 2012 at 3:50 pm #

      I have a lot of bathroom anxiety. Sometimes I consider how much better it would be if I could just bring a perfume-scented boombox with me into the stall. No sound, no smell, no anxiety.

      I wonder what my go-to pooping songs would be.


      • klsprout March 19, 2012 at 7:04 am #

        First Son that came to my mind: ‘Born to Run’ by Springstein.


  2. lys810 March 14, 2012 at 10:12 pm #

    I haven’t done laundry in 2 weeks… and dropped a lot of money I don’t have on clothes I don’t really need so I won’t have to do it for another week… LOL


    • Jackie March 17, 2012 at 3:49 pm #

      YES. Adulthood. You’re beautiful.


      • lys810 March 18, 2012 at 12:20 am #

        Like you said above, “…somewhere out there, someone has lots of packs of new underwear, a hamper full of dirty clothes, and reads my blog to feel better about it.”

        *ME* I am that someone… LOL


        • Jackie March 24, 2012 at 9:48 am #

          So, so glad to have you validate my calling in life 🙂 Thanks for following.


  3. Katherine Gordy Levine March 15, 2012 at 12:01 am #


    have written two books, one got me on Oprah, no one heard of me after. Oh wait, for a few weeks, people did walk up to be on the subway and say, “Didn’t I see you on Oprah? Isn’t she wonderful.” Now getting on Oprah is supposed to make you famous. Well, I had my two minutes and it was interesting, but only added when it all added up to zero money in the bank.

    I also have done a few other things that many would say deem me Ms. Success. Some made me feel good about my self. I take pleasure, but not in being a success, for now in the worlds’ eyes I am just an old lady and not many see me.

    But I am still trying. Hoping my hook will be 75 year old publishes steamy E-novel that goes viral. May not happen, but as the sages note…the journey is the reward.

    I do believe in you and hope you have the luck needed to meet your dreams and believe me luck is a big part of the game. So do make sure you enjoy the journey. Probably not what you want to hear, but I have to have my say it goes with being a Cranky Old Lady.

    Stay strong, Katherine


    • Jackie March 17, 2012 at 3:48 pm #

      Wow, Katherine – you’re famous! 🙂 LOL @ steamy e-novel from a 75-year-old. I love it. And I always love a contribution from the Cranky Old Lady 🙂 Thanks for letting her drop by for some words of encouragement to me.


  4. Ro March 15, 2012 at 10:19 am #

    I’m right there with you, Jackie. …Okay. You have me convinced. When do you want to leave to charm our way through Europe? Our awesomeness may be better appreciated and financially compensated.


    • Jackie March 17, 2012 at 3:46 pm #

      This summer, please. Before I get too old. I can feel my soul graying.


  5. pegoleg March 15, 2012 at 10:22 am #

    You think you’ve got it bad, young zebra? How’d you like to be an aging wildebeest? Two lions have their fangs sunk deep in my haunches and I’m going down on the Serengeti plain AS I TYPE!

    But you’re so right about that “we all have a place in the universe, nobody is useless,” life affirming, blah blah, yadda yadda. So true. Thanks for lifting me up.


    • Jackie March 17, 2012 at 3:46 pm #

      You don’t have much of those haunches left for sinking teeth into from what I’ve read on your fitness accomplishments as of late. But I’ll pretend I buy it. Mostly because it made me laugh out loud while I was at work 😛 Thanks for that.


  6. Samantha March 15, 2012 at 1:46 pm #

    I completely and heartily agree with this post. I’ve been having to train myself to remember that I’m completely different from these successful people, but that doesn’t mean I’m not successful myself. I think you are successful Jackie, in that you have an awesome following of people who read your blog on a regular basis, excited for the next time you have put your creative thoughts on paper, and it’s an honor for all of us bloggers to have that happen on a regular basis 🙂

    By the way, I totally would have watched that SNL if you had hosted it. I almost wanted to see how bad the Lindsay Lohan one turned out, but I boycotted. Just for you. 🙂

    The lolcats are overrated 😛


    • Jackie March 17, 2012 at 3:45 pm #

      Oh man – a boycott just for me! That’s a whole vat of awesome sauce. But really, you can go ahead and check out how awful she is. I’d hate for you to have even a small part inside you that wonders whether she was as bad as people say.

      I suggest the Scared Straight parody clip. In fact, to help deter you from accidentally seeing too much awful footage while searching, I’ve linked it for you here: http://www.hulu.com/watch/335962/saturday-night-live-scared-straight

      Enjoy not enjoying. Also, thanks for your kind words 😉


  7. Ernesto March 19, 2012 at 9:25 pm #

    “Mine is to have a blog where I talk about how I don’t like to do laundry so sometimes I just buy packs of underwear instead. Or how people leaving long voicemails makes me want to scoop my eyes out with a melon baller. Or how life is too short to get nervous about pooping in public restrooms. ”

    I chuckled, and it felt good, when reading this. You’re not alone, Jackie. My packs of underwear (bought and to be bought) and I salute and thank you.


    • Jackie March 24, 2012 at 9:46 am #

      haha thanks, Ernesto. I’m glad the world does have kindred spirits. How lonely this would be if all alone. 😉


  8. didthatnowwhat March 20, 2012 at 5:52 pm #

    I’m new to your blog and I think you’re amazing. Fame is overrated… in all the ways that we feel personally unsuccessful, at least there aren’t hordes of people writing about it. It’s nice to be on that side of the coin. Lohan can keep the other side.

    But creepy sonogram pictures really do need to go.


    • Jackie March 24, 2012 at 9:46 am #

      Thanks for seconding my sonogram pictures motion. And welcome to the blog – I’m so tickled to have you. I love the perspective you share here – that you can either fail/succeed in big, bright lights and deafening sound or fail/succeed quietly. Maybe the latter really is better, but I can’t help fantasizing about the former.


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