My Declaration of Laziness

6 Jun

I’m in one of those modes again where I don’t feel like doing anything.

Well, I should be more specific.  

I feel like doing lots of things.  I feel like playing video games, eating junk food, taking lots of naps, buying things online that I may not even use in the next three months, and holding long conversations with my cats.  I’m also farting more than usual.  I don’t know what that’s about.   And I’m doing all of these things – while avoiding the absolutely monstrous and ever-growing to do list.

All the things on my to do list are “adult” things.  And adult things are icky.

Adult things like dishes, not adult things like porn.  

Anyway I have a lot of things to do and instead of paying them any mind, I am wrapping myself in cozy blankets when I come home from work and talking to my cats until I pass out with my hand still lodged in a bag of generic cheesy poofs.  I’m finding it difficult to get on top of things with this ritual.  Perhaps I should explain how I got here.

You see, several weeks ago I had reached a sort of Jackie Critical Mass.  Every day I was pelted with some new and hugely stressful thing and though I’m usually really good in those sort of scenarios, I really just couldn’t catch a break.  And I sort of went to the hospital with stroke-like symptoms.

Don’t freak out.   I know I don’t usually talk about anything but video games, Lollipop Tuesdays, cats, and social awkwardness, so you might feel somewhat uncomfortable right now.   If so, go up and read the part about my cats again, who have been mentioned twice in less than 300 words.  Breathe.  Come back when you’re ready.

Anyway, I didn’t have a stroke.  They ran lots of tests and took lots of blood and affirmed that I had a severe case of Stressed-the-Hell-Out.  I guess that isn’t the technical term for it but it should be.  After much arguing and a lot of harassment, I took time off from work to try to mellow out and not die.  I know it seems like a great excuse to get out of work, but I don’t often go to the doctor and when I do, I don’t often believe them.  Not going to work because I’m ‘overly stressed’ sounds pretty stupid to me.  Besides, if I have to use vacation time, I want to use it to go places and do things.  I don’t want to spend it sitting around.  So I tried to come in to work the following day but was instantly sent home because apparently they were serious when they told me not to come in.  I returned to my humble abode and spent most of it cleaning my apartment and catching up on all the things I was too busy to be able to do while I was at work.    

After two days of that, Dave whipped me into submission and I was forced to coddle myself.  I painted my toenails, I played video games, I browsed Pinterest; I was a waste of human flesh.  I actively said no to extra responsibilities, unwanted tasks, and things I usually do out of obligation.  I kept wading through the to do list and pushed everything off my figurative plate until it was squeaky clean and I could hear myself think again.

And that’s where I stayed.  For the past several weeks I’ve just been hovering in a state of aggressive relaxation.   It took a really long time to get here and now that I’ve practice saying no to lots of things and have taken such a liking to it that I fear I may never contribute to society again.  Every day I wake up a few minutes later, every day I convince myself a little more that I shouldn’t go in to work ever again, and every day I’m more at risk for showing up at the desk of a social worker, unwashed and jobless – babbling something about the day everything changed.  

Me. Totally gross. You know, it took me forever to find a larva picture that wasn’t on the move. Apparently they get around. Very mobile, larva. I felt that would be an inaccurate representation of my current state and opted to find a larva curled upon itself; a non-contributor.

I suppose I’ve been in denial for a bit so we can go ahead and call this very public admission of guilt the second step to recovery: I have milked my relaxation far too long and am now simply a lazy, non-contributor of a human being.

Okay, there it is.  I wrote it loud and proud.  That counts as acceptance.  I have to talk myself through this because as far as I know, there are no Lazy Slugs Anonymous groups in my area.  That, and in my state of perpetual do-nothingness, I had no contributions for today’s post and was forced to write the truth.

Now it’s time to get back on the trolley.  I’m pretty sure if I don’t get any sleep until Sunday, I can clear out the massive amount of junk that has acquired during my hiatus.  That’s probably a good way to have a stroke though.  Maybe I’ll just take it one step at a time.  Getting my hand out of the bag of cheesy poofs to write this blog post was a good first one.

And hey: for the last several weeks I’ve been posting my weekly post at the end of the day it is due instead of the beginning (how nice of you all to not mention anything).  But looky there: today I’m bright and early!

Maybe the winds are changing.  

This is Larva, signing off. 


17 Responses to “My Declaration of Laziness”

  1. Katherine Gordy Levine June 6, 2012 at 9:11 am #

    How can one like a dear one getting too much most do life. Strokes scare me, Too many people in my family dropped that way. My biggest fear is dropping half way, lying in bed, immobile not brain dead. I lazed last night and stopped writing. Only I say or think I have to put out two blogs or more a day Thought of you dropping to one a week. May just drop to whenever for a while. .I am happier pinning. Do you pin or just browse? Pin me so I can follow you.. I am there as and I would love to see some more intellectual life there. Not that I mind some of the mindless consumerism, the rich have to spend their money some where so some of us can get our share. Better yet, just laze dear one, and maybe find a really good hypnotist to improve your let much go skills. Take care. We love you and want you around for a while. I know I speak for many.


    • Jackie June 12, 2012 at 11:17 pm #

      Even if you just cut down to one a day, you’re still posting every day but you cut your commitment in half. That’s huge! Try it 🙂 I like to browse Pinterest on occasion. I’ll check you out. Thanks for sharing 🙂


  2. ML June 6, 2012 at 10:52 am #

    We all need a break every once in a while.

    Sometimes the work-life balance (whatever that is) gets severely off-balance and then you need to do exactly what you did.

    No more feeling guilty. Not allowed.

    However, I suppose it would be good for you to not waste away on cheesey poofs. Don’t go out like an American, Jackie.

    Let’s start by inviting someone over (me) to play video games *with* you so it at least forces you to clean up your house. 😛


    • Jackie June 12, 2012 at 11:13 pm #

      ahaha ‘don’t go out like an American’. Fantastic. I’m really happy that my readers are supportive enough to be like ‘hey, it’s okay to take a break’ but then get real and follow it up with ‘but get your damn hands off the cheese curls’

      Oh man, I’d love to blow off some steam with Diablo 3 😉


  3. Samantha June 6, 2012 at 11:11 am #

    Everyone does need a break sometimes. I remember just taking a day while in college to skip all my classes and just breathe. We have to do that sometimes or else the breakneck pace of life will run us over. I hope you’re doing better and glad you have a new perspective. 🙂 by the way, have you been playing Diablo III? Because I must say exploding things to bits is GREAT stress relief. XD Stay healthy, Jackie!


    • Jackie June 12, 2012 at 11:09 pm #

      See, that’s why I miss about college (among, well, lots of things) – I was allowed to assess my day, how it would affect the outcome of the big picture, and then make an adult decision about whether I would participate in it. I have to start my own business so I make my own decisions again 😉

      I haven’t played D3. Both my brothers log on at the same time every night and play with each other though and I *so* wish I was part of the fun. But I just don’t trust myself with it. I could fall off the face of the planet.


  4. zallyforth June 6, 2012 at 11:24 am #

    Jackie, I just came across your blog and read it for the first time today. I love your honest voice. And the concept of Lollipop Tuesday! If we all challenged ourselves to do something we could likely “suck at” I think the world would be a more accepting, interesting, and perhaps, humble, place. 🙂

    So sorry things have ganged up on you. Ugh. I know the lure of the cheese puff. But I think that unnatural color is byproduct of their radioactivity. So you should likely try to limit the indulgence. 😦

    I see that you have tried Bikram Yoga. I want to put in a plug for Hatha Yoga. It is slower paced, relaxing, contemplative, and emphasizes breathwork, which is really good stuff in dealing with anxiety.



    • Jackie June 12, 2012 at 11:07 pm #

      I’m glad you like my Lollipop Tuesday series – I entirely agree with your mission statement up there. Someday it’d be great to have people try it too. And no worries- cheese puffs are no longer in the house (I ate them all to be sure of it) and I got my butt to Bikram tonight. I’ll have to look up and try Hatha – because sometimes I feel like I’m going to die in Bikram. haha


  5. Jules June 6, 2012 at 12:22 pm #

    Shush you heathen! Girls do not fart.

    On a more serious note, did you stop running? Hrmmm?
    It’s one of my very best stress relievers.


    • Jackie June 12, 2012 at 11:05 pm #

      haha and yeah, I got a little off the trolley, but I started when this all happened because I realized I had gotten rid of the thing that helps balance me out. I’m probably at the healthiest eating I’ve ever been in my life, too. I still have a way to go but my plate looks nothing like it did this time last year – you should be somewhat proud.


  6. thesinglecell June 6, 2012 at 12:26 pm #

    Well, clearly you needed the respite. And the work peeps sent you home because when you get that snap-frazzled you become a legal liability. No kidding. Happened with my friend (no really, a friend – apparently MY supervisors care very little about this). They were afraid of how he might spin out of control and either hurt someone or sue them. So, it was a win-win for you. You’re obviously feeling better and I’m very glad – but take care not to get to that place again!


    • Jackie June 12, 2012 at 11:03 pm #

      Actually it appears my position has a bit of a history associated with it so I have no doubt that the workplace was genuinely concerned. For themselves. haha


  7. knotrune June 7, 2012 at 5:02 am #

    I’ve been off sick with stress and anxiety from my PhD for a year and half now! Am finally starting to see an end to it and just might be able to go back in September. So if you’re crap then I’m way crapper! It’s not so unusual as it seems, loads of talented and successful people have had a burnout or time off for stress, quite genuinely. Society is wrong to mock it, they have no idea how debilitating it can be.

    But I do agree with some of the other comments suggesting avoiding the junk food and going back to exercise. I’m disabled so I can’t do the latter much, but both exercise and diet can really affect your mood. Cats are big help 🙂 Seriously, brain chemistry! The oxytocin released when cuddling with pets (or people) helps combat the cortisol stress hormone.

    Also, don’t stress about being stressed! Try to relax and take however long you need, but also trying nice ways to recover, walks in the countryside, cat cuddling, writing your feelings down can help too. Not just on the blog, but a private journal where you can write any whiny, ranting unsharable crud has been shown to help. I had some counselling which helped too. Good luck with the recovery and don’t try and force it, it will come when you brain is ready for it. Learn from what’s happened as well, so you can try and slow down if it ever looks like happening again. You’ll be fine 🙂


    • Jackie June 12, 2012 at 11:02 pm #

      “They have no idea how debilitating it can be” <– neither did I. I suddenly found myself unable to deal with *anything* easily. Thanks for the kind words, for admitting you struggle too and for the suggestions! I started exercising again – that's a huge one. I even went to Bikram tonight 😉


  8. scribbleofhappygoluckygal June 13, 2012 at 10:13 am #

    you bet ..there are alot in t group of lazy, doing nothing people.. and proudly declaring myself one among them..;):):)


    • Jackie June 22, 2012 at 8:50 am #

      *raises the larva banner* *sounds the trumpet*


      • scribbleofhappygoluckygal June 26, 2012 at 10:28 am #

        yea.. yea..!!lets say it loud:):)


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