Jackie the Housewife

25 Jul

This is our fridge magnet. True story.

Today Dave suggested that we move the cat food bowls around the house every once in a while so that we can force them to scavenge for food and thereby “prepare them for the oncoming apocalypse”.

I complied.  I didn’t really have a choice; he was very serious about it.  It felt like a dealbreaker.  And I really don’t want to be the girl that he left because she wouldn’t get over a little Apocalypse Training for the cats.  However, I’m also a little worried that now that I’ve opened the door to the beginning stages of this, he’ll start to get even more serious about their training program. 

First it’s hiding food dishes around the house, next it’s cats knifing me when I come home from work. 

Maybe I don’t have anything to worry about though – I tried to rouse Hobbes with the laser pointer today and he gave me the finger.   I don’t think even the fear of the apocalypse could get him to stop sleeping in the tub all day.  I’ve been meaning to talk to him about his attitude lately.

Anyway, I’m off work this week and I’m trying to spend some of the time teaching the cats  a lesson in productivity.  The theme of my workshop is that just because you’re not employed, doesn’t mean you can’t contribute.  I’m demonstrating a myriad of behaviors I’m hoping they’ll mimic in my absence when I go back to work.   Today, for example, I cleaned the house and did the dishes and made cookies and deviled eggs. 

What I wouldn’t give to have my cat hand me a deviled egg when I get home instead of knifing me. 

They aren’t really taking to my demonstrations, but I’m hoping that soon my messages will get through. I’m like the Jane Goodall of cats.  They’ll come around.

As it turns out I really like being home, aside from Hobbes’ foul behavior.  I really don’t mind dropping things off to be dry cleaned or getting the cats appointments (health pre-screenings for the training), or putting together furniture, cleaning the house, and making dinner.  I think I might really be cut out for this domestic thing.  Hell, I’d start a garden if I had a lawn.

It makes sense, I guess – I’ve always preferred staying indoors in the evening; now that I can be indoors in the morning too, I’m at my peak. It’s only been three days and Dave’s got this look in his eye like he’s afraid I’ve taken to it so much that will never return to work again.   And that could be entirely possible because I feel fantastic.  So to help him agree that it’s a good idea, I’m making him delicious dinners and keeping him from lifting a finger around the apartment.   I think if I can fit in a puppy and a garden, I’ve got myself a good hard sell.

It’s so wonderful to be able to get things done that have been on the back burner forever as low-priority items.  After a while, those things nag at me for so long that they become part of the baggage I carry around all the time.  And this week has been dedicated to ticking those off the list one by one.   I am infinite.

I started to feel so great this week that I realized I should be spending this time doing *all* the things I’ve ever wanted to do and recalled my curiosity for hiking the Appalachian Trail.  Then I remembered that I still have rehearsal at night and every weekend until November is booked (Note to self: add Appalachian Trail to back burner.  Also Note to self: why are you always so busy?).

I also have quite a bit of Lollipop Tuesday hunting to do, as it’s been quite some time since I’ve tried some newfangled adventure.  I’m afraid it’s been so long that if I don’t do one soon I’ll revert back into a cranky old coot.   Of course, finding new ventures is difficult when I get to be home all day in heels and a housedress, showing Dave how good of an idea it is for me to not work. 

Perhaps tomorrow my only goal should be to go outside.  It will hurt, but it will be good for me.  I’ll report back next week.  

Pray for me out there.  I hear the Apocalypse is coming. 


8 Responses to “Jackie the Housewife”

  1. Sarah T. July 26, 2012 at 7:59 am #

    If you stay home, and start a garden, you could start canning food. Then you’d be self-sufficient and well stocked when this apocalypse comes. I mean, how could Dave not agree with that logic?!


    • Jackie July 26, 2012 at 1:30 pm #

      I don’t know; canning is pretty granny. I’m going to have to ease into it.


  2. Jules July 26, 2012 at 12:53 pm #

    So many feels in this post.
    If cats knife you, knife them right back. Yeah…that’ll teach em…


    • Jackie July 26, 2012 at 1:30 pm #

      I was tired. I suck at writing. THANKS FOR POINTING IT OUT, JULES.


  3. thesinglecell July 28, 2012 at 6:55 pm #

    If you can stay at home and stay sane, more power to you. If the cats knife you, either you’ve gone insane or they’ve all spontaneously grown opposable thumbs. And to me, “hiking the Appalachian Trail” only means carrying on a torrid international affair a la the former governor of South Carolina. But I’m weird like that. TIP: if the apocalypse is really coming, you’d better prepare for zombies. Including zombie cats. With opposable thumbs.


    • Jackie August 2, 2012 at 12:11 am #

      that’s horrifying. truly horrifying. I bet they walk on two legs and not four *shudder*


  4. Kari August 2, 2012 at 9:27 am #

    Loving your posts!! Your sense of humour is awesome!!


    • Jackie August 9, 2012 at 9:45 pm #

      Hey, thanks a lot – I really appreciate you stopping by and I’m oh-so-flattered 😉


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