I envisioned a lot of things for my twenties. I pictured myself being a super cool adult. I somehow thought that paying my own bills would be awesome. I imagined I’d be in the best shape of my life.
These things haven’t exactly come to fruition.
You know what I hadn’t imagined? Everyone I know getting married and having babies all at once. …Or the invention of Facebook.
I am constantly bombarded with announcements of love and adoration and procreation. Which is lovely, in a way. The Book of Faces has ensured that when I run into someone I haven’t seen since we shared Algebra class, my jaw doesn’t drop to the floor at the size of their stomach. Or the train of munchkins behind them. Or the size of their ring. And since my face tends to immediately barf my thoughts, this has been a source of great salvation.
As happy as I am for all these folks and their hitch-getting and their baby-making, my wallet is getting seriously ravaged.
Of course I’m glad for them. Really, it’s a lovely milestone in their lives. It’s just unfortunate that their milestones cost me so much of my hard-earned American dollars. Do you realize how many days I have to sit at a desk typing to pay off just one friend’s marriage?! Too many, folks. Far too many.
I’ve gotta take off work. I’ve gotta get a hotel. I’ve gotta get an outfit. I’ve gotta pay for gas. I’ve gotta get a gift. I’ve gotta hold my empty wallet in my hand as I cry in the hotel shower.
We need to get a handle on this. My Facebook news feed is blowing up with pictures of fingers sporting rings and pictures of babies still in the womb (which is a post in itself, mind you). Every status update is a hit to my bank account and a day of my life spoken for. We all hit the 20’s at the same time and we’re all racing to avoid a life of cat-filled spinsterdom. I get it. I fully support it. I just wish I didn’t have to pay for it. With the number of wedding gifts and baby shower sprinkles I’ve purchased, I could have backpacked through Europe by now.
Maybe we should just all agree to not get each other anything. I’m pretty sure we’re all just throwing the same money around and around anyway. With so many invitations in a year, I can’t even attend them all. And while that should mean that I save money, social etiquette dictates that if I opt not to attend, the pressure to purchase a gift is only heightened. That doesn’t even make any sense.
So I have a proposal of my own; let’s stop buying each other crap. Let’s just save our money to buy ourselves the things on our registry instead of asking other people to buy those things. Doesn’t that make lots of sense? Then again, the gift is the cheapest portion of the wedding excursions. Its the driving and the hotel-staying that does me in. Maybe everyone can just get married in a closer proximity to me. Or maybe everyone can get married at free camping grounds. Or just revert to immediate family only. That’s probably best. Let’s do that.
Except start after I get married – because I’ve already invested in folks and I want that money back y’all. ♣