Everyone Please Stop Getting Married and Having Babies

1 Aug

I envisioned a lot of things for my twenties.  I pictured myself being a super cool adult.  I somehow thought that paying my own bills would be awesome.  I imagined I’d be in the best shape of my life.

These things haven’t exactly come to fruition.

You know what I hadn’t imagined?  Everyone I know getting married and having babies all at once.  …Or the invention of Facebook.  

I am constantly bombarded with announcements of love and adoration and procreation.   Which is lovely, in a way.  The Book of Faces has ensured that when I run into someone I haven’t seen since we shared Algebra class, my jaw doesn’t drop to the floor at the size of their stomach.  Or the train of munchkins behind them.  Or the size of their ring.  And since my face tends to immediately barf my thoughts, this has been a source of great salvation.

As happy as I am for all these folks and their hitch-getting and their baby-making, my wallet is getting seriously ravaged.  

Of course I’m glad for them.  Really, it’s a lovely milestone in their lives.  It’s just unfortunate that their milestones cost me so much of my hard-earned American dollars.  Do you realize how many days I have to sit at a desk typing to pay off just one friend’s marriage?! Too many, folks.  Far too many. 

I’ve gotta take off work.  I’ve gotta get a hotel.   I’ve gotta get an outfit.  I’ve gotta pay for gas.  I’ve gotta get a gift.  I’ve gotta hold my empty wallet in my hand as I cry in the hotel shower.

We need to get a handle on this.  My Facebook news feed is blowing up with pictures of fingers sporting rings and pictures of babies still in the womb (which is a post in itself,  mind you).  Every status update is a hit to my bank account and a day of my life spoken for.  We all hit the 20’s at the same time and we’re all racing to avoid a life of cat-filled spinsterdom. I get it.  I fully support it.  I just wish I didn’t have to pay for it. With the number of wedding gifts and baby shower sprinkles I’ve purchased, I could have backpacked through Europe by now.  

Maybe we should just all agree to not get each other anything.  I’m pretty sure we’re all just throwing the same money around and around anyway.  With so many invitations in a year, I can’t even attend them all.  And while that should mean that I save money, social etiquette dictates that if I opt not to attend, the pressure to purchase a gift is only heightened.  That doesn’t even make any sense.  

So I have a proposal of my own; let’s stop buying each other crap.  Let’s just save our money to buy ourselves the things on our registry instead of asking other people to buy those things.  Doesn’t that make lots of sense?  Then again, the gift is the cheapest portion of the wedding excursions.  Its the driving and the hotel-staying that does me in.  Maybe everyone can just get married in a closer proximity to me.  Or maybe everyone can get married at free camping grounds.  Or just revert to immediate family only. That’s probably best.  Let’s do that.

Except start after I get married – because I’ve already invested in folks and I want that money back y’all. 

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25 Responses to “Everyone Please Stop Getting Married and Having Babies”

  1. Jules August 2, 2012 at 12:14 am #

    Wedding registries…

    #firstworldproblems

    :p

    Seriously though. I’m also bombarded with baby updates on facebook. Enough is enough people!

    Like

    • Jackie August 9, 2012 at 9:43 pm #

      I just discovered unbaby.me

      It’s a game changer.

      Like

  2. Katherine Gordy Levine August 2, 2012 at 1:36 am #

    i pinned you on my Blog Hop board. http://pinterest.com/pin/147141112796355349/

    On a separate note, I got a message from a chinese company that you had sent me a private message? Did you? I didn’t open it thinking it was span and your email list or some other list had been hacked. Curiousity keeps me trong.

    Like

    • Jackie August 9, 2012 at 9:44 pm #

      Thanks for the pin! And no, certainly not from me – thanks for checking!

      Like

  3. Ro August 2, 2012 at 2:24 am #

    Did you ever see that episode of Sex in the City? Where Carrie gets so annoyed at all the bridal showers, baby showers, and wedding gift giving? And then there’s this whole thing about shoes, ’cause, you know, it’s Sex in the City.
    I feel your pain. On the bright side- weddings and hotels are more fun than baby showers with candy poop diapers… so you’re winning on that account.

    Like

    • pegoleg August 2, 2012 at 10:10 am #

      I saw that one! She registered for one pair of kick-a** shoes.

      Like

      • Ro August 3, 2012 at 2:44 am #

        I considered throwing myself an “I’m single, buy me cool shoes! I bought you cool crap!” shower after that, but I figured my friends probably wouldn’t appreciate it much- especially if they hadn’t seen the episode. 🙂

        Like

    • Jackie August 9, 2012 at 9:44 pm #

      YES! I thought about that as I was writing this post.

      Like

  4. A Gracious Life August 2, 2012 at 6:11 am #

    Hilariously lovely! Have everyone agree not to give each other anything…that’s a very good idea!

    Like

  5. pegoleg August 2, 2012 at 10:12 am #

    Let’s face it, most people getting married nowadays have already been living on their own (or together) long enough that they already HAVE cookie sheets. Instead of all that nonsense, I’m in favor of everybody getting an “On My Own” shower when they graduate from college, or enter the work force – whatever, to help them get the stuff they’ll really need.

    Except we’ll start this after all your showers, Jackie.

    Like

    • Jackie August 9, 2012 at 9:46 pm #

      Yes – I remember you mentioning this before, which makes me wonder if I’ve ranted about this before. I’m sure I have. This blog is basically about cats and other people’s fortune.

      Like

      • pegoleg August 10, 2012 at 9:44 am #

        I THOUGHT this all sounded familiar, but I figured I’d talked about it in one of my former lives…when I was Shirley Maclaine.

        Like

  6. McAuley & Crandall, PA August 2, 2012 at 12:36 pm #

    Enjoyed reading this!

    Like

  7. icescreammama August 2, 2012 at 4:50 pm #

    don’t worry it’s cumulative and there’s no statute of limitations. but you’ve convinced me, i’m definitely not having any more babies! maybe the title of my next blog will be, Thank you, but no more buns, please. And really, one shower per life altering event is more than enough.

    Like

    • Jackie August 9, 2012 at 9:47 pm #

      No More Buns. Love it. Could also be an anti-ballerina blog though.

      Maybe that’s the key – you get one shower per life altering event. You get to pick it, but once it’s chosen you’re done. That’s fair.

      Like

  8. Amy August 3, 2012 at 3:33 pm #

    Hi, I nominated you for the Liebster blog award. Check out what you need to do here:
    http://livingtoolarge.wordpress.com/2012/08/03/liebster-blog-award/

    Like

    • Jackie August 9, 2012 at 9:58 pm #

      Thanks, Amy! I have a lot of opinions about blogger chain awards (https://thejackieblog.com/2011/10/03/how-do-you-feel-about-blogger-chain-awards) and I’d hate to eat my words by following the rules, but I’m certainly flattered and have posted your questions below in case you’re staying up at night unable to sleep in anticipation.

      Why did you start blogging?
      **I wanted to complete a 365 Project and it was the only thing I could imagine doing every day.
      If you could meet someone famous, living or dead, who would it be and why?
      **Robin Williams. He’s amazing. I have a picture of him on my desk.
      What’s your special talent?
      **I’m an excellent belcher.
      What is your all time favorite movie?
      **The Princess Bride. Classic.
      What’s your favorite inspirational/motivational quote?
      **It constantly changes, so I’ll go with the most recent – “The fundamental cause of trouble in the world today is that the stupid are cocksure while the intelligent are full of doubt”
      How may states have you traveled to?
      **Five. Pretty sad. I’m not a well-traveled woman.
      Do you have pets and what kind?
      **2 very famous cats – Lola, a tuxedo cat and Hobbes, who looks much like the cat in my post from today.
      Favorite genre of music?
      **Alternative Rock
      Eat out or cook at home?
      **I prefer to cook at home, but I really love having a date night
      If you won the lottery, what would you do?
      **pay off my student loans, buy my own theater, and get my parents a proper home
      Do you watch reality tv shows and do you have a favorite one?
      **The only channels I get are from an antenna, but sometimes when I’m bored I’ll hulu cooking competitions.

      Thanks Amy!

      Like

  9. Scarpino Sisters August 3, 2012 at 5:16 pm #

    This is SO true and very hilarious. The last line is perfect! And you’re right, we are just throwing our money around and around… lets just keep it all to ourselves 😉

    Like

    • Jackie August 9, 2012 at 9:55 pm #

      Thanks a lot – and for the support. Maybe we can start a revolution 😉

      Like

  10. Neeka August 12, 2012 at 1:15 pm #

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OPi2s1K_pgU&feature=channel&list=UL 🙂 Pretty much explains it all…

    Like

  11. eirdrini September 27, 2012 at 12:54 pm #

    love this! so true.

    Like

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