Do These Olympics Make Me Look Fat?

9 Aug

It’s Thursday.  It’s not Wednesday.  Just in case you were wondering man, Jackie posted today – is it WEDNESDAY?! the answer is no.   Not it is not.  It is Thursday, and Jackie failed to post on Wednesday.

I spent the day telling myself I didn’t care.  But that was a big fat lie.  I totally care.  Because here I am on a Thursday, posting.  I just have this nagging feeling that missing a week will throw the entire rest of the year of weekly posting off balance and I shall never, ever recover.  Or maybe you won’t.  This is really about you.  And how much I love you.  Squishy hugs for everyone.  

Okay, now moving on to more pressing matters.

I think it’s really great that as a society we have begun to question the unrealistic body images that constantly affront us in magazines, in movies, and during the Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show each year.  More and more often, I’m seeing links to entertaining pages that feature poorly photoshopped celebrities and supermodels.  I don’t know about you but when I come to and find my sausage fingers stuck inside another empty sleeve of Oreos, I like to nurse my wounds by clicking through pages images of accidentally airbrushed-away limbs and before-shot monsterpig faces.

And now I think it’s time to speak out against the unrealistic body images that have been bombarding us for almost two weeks.  You know what I’m talking about.

The Olympics.

My television has done nothing but hurl unrealistic expectations at me every day for the past two weeks with scantily clad men and women that are so perfectly chiseled that in the slow motion playback, the only things that jiggle are their cheeks It’s preposterous.  Not one single female athlete’s arms jiggle when they wave to the audience in celebration.    And have you seen the women sprinters? Not only are they perfectly sculpted examples of human perfection, but they even manage to have well-placed hair! Hair that stays put after rocketing down the track at alarming speeds. HOW DO THEY DO THAT?!  Even the freakish doll monsters that are synchronized swimmers have hair and makeup that sticks on through several minutes of exercising completely underwater.

I can’t get  mine to stay on after the sweat I break while brushing my teeth.

When’s the last time a candid shot of you emphasized your rock hard goddess abs?

The ultimate slap in my fat face was the ESPN body issue featuring naked Olympians and national athletes.  Some of them are in the midst of performing their sport.  Surfers from an underwater shot, rowers pinned on the side of the boat and mid-stroke, ball players gearing up to take a shot – and all of them are perfect. Your humiliation will know no bounds.

This is worse than supermodel fixation.  Much worse.  At least when I open a magazine and see fashion models glaring at me with their smokey eyes, I can coax my love handles into calming down by reminding myself that I could always look like that too if I stopped eating.  But when I’m faced with the chiseled abs and well-shaped thighs of an Olympian, I have no solace.  These people haven’t had dessert in two years.  They train 8 hours a day every day.  They eat the same things constantly.  They have someone whose job is solely to make sure that they’re beautiful, flawless, perfectly sculpted examples of human athletic achievement.

All I have is my cats.  And when I took them to the vet last week, I was scolded for their obesity. 

Even my cats are lard asses.  I would make a terrible trainer.

Hobbes’ inevitable future

Luckily it’s almost over.  In just a few short days, the Olympics will go into hiding for another four years.  Of course, we’ll have to deal with the winter Olympics in just two, but in the winter I can console myself with the improbability of my becoming a speed skater and vats of crock pot comfort foods. 

For now, I must stay strong; they’re almost done.   Maybe I should start with small steps.  Like looking up those outstanding waterproof hair and makeup products.

Or investing in a cat treadmill. ♣

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18 Responses to “Do These Olympics Make Me Look Fat?”

  1. awallnation August 9, 2012 at 9:56 pm #

    Oh God, I love this. Ever since the opening ceremonies, I’ve been in a state of self-loathing. It’s hideous. Disgusting. I can’t wait till it’s over so I can go back to convincing myself that I look okay!

    Like

    • Jackie August 9, 2012 at 11:58 pm #

      I’m sure you look darling. I’m convinced that rock hard athletes can make even super models cry. Muscles are serious business.

      Like

  2. Jules August 9, 2012 at 11:33 pm #

    Sure smells insecure in here. Yep. That’s me calling you out and that goes for the rest of you too. You all know who you are.

    Personally, I agree with you on the fashion models and photoshop freak magazine covers, but you should have stopped there. Professional athletes look that way as a result of their hard work and dedication to their sport. Not for some vapid magazine cover. Not for the 30second ad on television. They really deserve more respect than this.

    Instead of tearing yourself down, why not put that frustration in something constructive…. like running more.

    Like

    • Jackie August 9, 2012 at 11:57 pm #

      Jules, Jules. Methinks we’ve forgotten the
      tone of the blog? Self deprecation and mockery come standard here. I gave an appropriate nod to the hours of work behind those beautiful hard-earned bodies and I’m a little confused as to how this was translated to a lack of respect. But I appreciate how riled up you get about fitness, especially because your nagging assisted me in getting moving and eating better. I’m fifteen pounds lighter than I was a few months ago and can run again without certain death. Allow us all to have a moment of lightheartedness? 🙂

      Like

      • Jules August 10, 2012 at 4:08 pm #

        I might visit someone in PA later this year. We can go for a run!

        Damn, now you know how much i care…

        -hold on-

        I puked a little in my mouth.

        Like

  3. knotrune August 10, 2012 at 5:26 am #

    Apparently the synchronised swimmers use gelatin on their hair. Personally I’d rather have wild hair! One of my favourite ironies is how long I lie on the couch watching people exert themselves. Sometimes I even eat chocolate as I do it 🙂 Must get out of the house… go for a walk… maybe later…

    Like

    • Jackie August 22, 2012 at 12:08 pm #

      haha yes exactly. and the gelatin is gross. super gross.

      Like

  4. tryingtowriteit August 10, 2012 at 7:24 am #

    The funny thing about this post, is that in the UK, there was a programme about how many young girls give up sport purely because they get too muscly and it’s seen as unfeminine compared to supermodels (or the walking dead as I like to call them.) Great Post, made me laugh out loud.

    Like

    • Jackie August 22, 2012 at 12:07 pm #

      I find that to be crazy because they have some fantastic freaking bodies.

      Like

  5. icescreammama August 10, 2012 at 10:16 am #

    Forget it. They’re not really human. And besides, they’re totally airbrushed. They can do it now, while people move. Really.

    Like

  6. Lori August 10, 2012 at 11:36 am #

    Oh your comment about your chubby kitty made me spit my coffee. (I’m in the same boat with my kitty – my fault she only wants to play in super high freak mode 1 hr a day and sleep the rest??) As for the athlete’s I’m in awe. Those muscles are scary and awesome all at the same time.

    Like

    • Jackie August 22, 2012 at 12:04 pm #

      yay spitting in coffee! thanks for still reading, Lori 🙂

      Like

  7. Al August 16, 2012 at 9:03 am #

    I researched the statistics and found that the total cumulative body fat of all 14,000 athletes is 1.3%. It would have been lower but one of the archers ate a donut right before the opening ceremony.

    Like

  8. Dyl August 23, 2012 at 1:08 pm #

    Did you happen to notice how you can see the gymnast’s six pack THROUGH THEIR LEOTARD?!?!? Ummmm….holy cow.

    Like

    • Jackie August 29, 2012 at 2:24 am #

      ahaha so, so true. and frightening. how is that possible?!

      Like

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