My Cat’s an Asshole

23 Jan

Man, I’m in a sour mood.  Usually when I’m in a bad mood, I just eat something delicious.  Works every time.  Unfortunately, I’ve committed to a 365 Project where I work out for at least 20 minutes every day and as a result, I’m starting to kind of like not being fat and miserable and so I don’t have any junk food in the house anymore.  The idea is that if I want junk food, I have to go to the store and get some, which isn’t going to happen because I’m innately lazy.  I’ve outfoxed my fat self.

Even if I did want to solve my bad mood by going to get a pepperoni roll or a belgian waffle with ice cream or a pint of Ben and Jerry’s, it’s too darn cold outside.  I don’t know about you folks in warm, happy climates but I’m here on the three rivers in Pittsburgh and yesterday my walk to the bus stop was so tear-inducing that I genuinely wondered why people haven’t made ski masks more fashionable by now. Because I bloody well need one. It is face-shattering cold.

This cold has accumulated on the outside of my rear bedroom in the form of a colony of man-sized icicles that are melting and refreezing and saturating my crappily-crafted walls with water.  Thus, the wall is leaking.  It’s crying large tears of cold sadness along with me.  And though I called my landlord and two maintenance guys stopped by, I’ve been assured there’s nothing they can (read: want to) do. Since the ceiling in my bathroom fell on my head two years ago for similar wall-crying-related reasons, I’m going to go ahead and guess that the bedroom ceiling will also fall on my head shortly.

Also, a commercial offering litigation for problems related to vaginal mesh transplants just came on television and I’m not really a fan of the terms “vaginal” and “mesh” squished beside each other like that.  It’s uncomfortable.

So I’m a little grumpy.  And I’d like to take a moment to share my grump with you in the hopes that it will suck the devil out of me like The Exorcist and I will no longer crave happiness or cake.  You know, before the ceiling falls on my head and I die and I’ve missed my chance.  I’d hate to be lying in my grave, thinking about how I could have died happy if I would have only publicly ranted about my case of the grumples.

Actually, I feel significantly better already. Maybe I should just start blogging when I want junk food.

On second thought, that would get real spammy real fast.

So I guess I’m due for an update on the 365 Project.  As I’ve already mentioned in previous posts (and at the beginning of this one), I’m in the midst of a project I’ve lovingly dubbed Project Fat Ass 365, wherein I have resolved to do one health/exercise related activity every single day for at least twenty minutes.  I’ve begun with the Jillian Michaels 30 Day Shred and have already hit the 160’s.

To understand how monumental that is, you should know that I’ve only been in the 160’s two times in my life: when I was a vegetarian and when I had a terrible case of mono. Unfortunately, I’ve been unable to live my life without cheeseburgers or a balanced amount of white blood cells ever since and have been hovering in the 180’s forever.

Now, that’s not to say that I’ve gone from the 180’s to the 160’s since just the beginning of January.  As long time jackieblog subscribers know, I began trying to get super cereal about my health back in October of 2011 when my vagina doctor told me I needed to lose weight.  Apparently for the health of my vagina.  That’s right: my BMI was so high that my lady bits doctor told me to lose weight.  If that doesn’t get you moving, I don’t know what will.   I’ve been working to slowly improve my diet and exercise habits ever since.  So that 20 pounds has been a long and somewhat yo-yo-like journey. Luckily I’ve set myself for absolute success (or absolute embarrassment) this year by attempting this 365 and announcing that I’ll be running a 10K in the fall.

I only have to announce it, right?  I don’t actually have to do it.

Sometimes when I'm cold and grumpy and don't want to exercise, my cat (Hobbes) blatantly displays his comfortable state of fat in front of me. Like an asshole.

Sometimes when I’m cold and grumpy and don’t want to exercise, my cat (Hobbes) blatantly displays his comfortable state of fat in front of me. Like an asshole.

Just kidding. I’ve already invited my family to come heckle and loudly mock me from the sidelines to ensure I finish.  And they shall.  I was pretty tempted to invite my readers to form a team with me to help raise money for the dwindling populations of honeybees but as you all know by now, that’s a panic attack waiting to happen.  I can’t handle meeting that many new people.  I would stay in my apartment the morning of the race, perpetually projectile vomiting my anxiety into my toilet.

Which, on second thought, would probably help me shed as many pounds as a 10K.

At any rate, things are going quite well on the fat front, thanks for asking.  It’s still not too late to join in on a 365 (you can start any time, y’all).  All you have to do is think of the kind of person you would like to be in a year and then pick one thing related to that goal that you can do every single day that will get you closer to that person in a year. And then, you know, do it. Like I am.  Listen: if I can blog instead of eating when I’m grumpy and if I can exercise for 20 minutes every day instead of cracking jokes about how I’m not the kind of person who can exercise every day, you can do whatever it is that you’re actively avoiding as well.  And then in a year we can all celebrate our new, improved selves.

But not together in the same place, because that will make me projectile vomit.

All right, that’s my last plug for 365s.  I’ll stop badgering you for a while.  But only a while.

To our faces not cracking, our walls not weeping, and our fat mitts not reaching for cake. 

Puppies and Sprinkles,



36 Responses to “My Cat’s an Asshole”

  1. iiphotoart January 23, 2013 at 11:55 am #

    your grumples gave me chuckles…thanks for that!


    • Jackie January 29, 2013 at 3:34 am #

      why thank you so very much. I’m glad they did some good 😉


  2. jennygorms January 23, 2013 at 12:03 pm #

    Get it girl! If you ever need extra inspiration let me know! I’m about to run a half marathon in 5 weeks and my body is already crying.


    • Jackie January 29, 2013 at 3:33 am #

      How exciting! And of course frightening. Is it your first? I was hoping your blog would reveal some sort of journal about it but it appears you lost your steam after two posts. 🙂 Any chance you’ll fire that sucker up any time soon?


      • jennygorms January 29, 2013 at 2:57 pm #

        Haha. I was hopeful to write, but alas I’m fearful my wittiness will be over-run by my nerdisms. <- real word. Half marathon is Feb. 24th!!

        Maybe you're inquiring will inspire me to light that bitch up!


      • jennygorms January 30, 2013 at 4:12 pm #

        Hey Lady! You have inspired me!! Going back at it…will post tonight!!!


        • Jackie February 7, 2013 at 2:05 am #

          Yes! It’s so lovely to post, isn’t it? Write about health things – people love health things. And it’s a great way to log progress 😉


  3. despoticloset January 23, 2013 at 12:05 pm #

    I am with ya on every facet of that devil gem. Puke inducing social anxiety, living in the 180’s for waaaay toooo long and having it pointed out in seemingly unrelated ways that you should ‘fix’ that, the love of sweet fat asshole tabbys, and I’m praying to hit 160 again someday. Sad when you spent a good portion of your life hovering between 135 and a muscular 155. Blech. Kick that 365’s ass sister!


    • Jackie January 29, 2013 at 3:32 am #

      I hate the yo-yo thing, don’t you?! And since I’ve done it for so long, I’m currently living in paralyzing fear that I’m going to step on the scale one morning and be back in the 180’s. Again.

      If that happens I’ll probably just give up, sign up for a cheese steak daily delivery service and go full-hermit mode for the rest of my life until something tragic happens and they have to haul me out of my house with a crane.


  4. lookingforward2012 January 23, 2013 at 12:06 pm #

    My cat is an asshole too…but not because he flaunts his fat in my face when I’m trying to exercise, but because he secretly shits in the closet on all the clothes of mine that my husband threw there because he didn’t know what else to do with them. Then he lounges on my bed. In my spot. The cat, not the husband, while we feverishly search for what is reeking of cat shit.


    • Katie January 25, 2013 at 2:33 pm #

      So funny! My cat is an asshole for similar reasons, although urine related….she must be watched!


      • Jackie January 29, 2013 at 3:19 am #

        ugh cat urine problems. what an asshole.


    • Jackie January 29, 2013 at 3:30 am #

      I laughed out loud at this when I first read it and then posted online about it being my favorite comment by a reader. Maybe ever. Hilarious.


  5. me January 23, 2013 at 12:14 pm #

    OK.OK. I will join your Project fat ass 365! Actually I have (for the 100 time), revamped the workout room and started doing some kind of REASONABLE exercise every day. Key word, reasonable, a new one for me, and the key to my success (I think). Scott finally hooked up cable and a DVD player so I can trade in my comfy couch for the tread mill. Yay. I now have no more excuses! Dam! Now the ball is in my court. I thought if I made it public and I have people to answer too other than the loving people in my life who love me no matter what my size, I can embarrass myself into success! Or just embarrass myself. Either way, I am committed, officially as of now. I really want to make my family and friends proud of me, and not afraid to walk on the beach with me without someone running at me with a spear yelling “orca”. I am a little grumpy too today, can you tell? I have all this junk food staring at me!! Its tuff when you have a skinny teenager in the house that can eat anything he wants!! Yesterday was tough, a crap load of fire and ems calls and we lost a friend on one of them. I could have gone for some Dove last night, but I was good, now I am grump. So I feel your pain. Good luck! 160’s nice, congrats!!


    • Jackie January 29, 2013 at 3:29 am #

      So hey – how’s that going?


  6. me January 23, 2013 at 12:15 pm #

    By the way, why is your cat an asshole??


    • Jackie January 29, 2013 at 3:29 am #

      read the caption on the picture.


  7. Jules January 23, 2013 at 1:03 pm #

    Good job on keeping the junk food out of the house. It’s a super effective method of staying away from excess calories. Can’t eat what you don’t have! So simple it hurts.


    • Jackie January 29, 2013 at 3:29 am #

      It’s really true. It’s one of several mechanisms I’ve had to set up for myself so that when I’m at my lowest point, I don’t undo everything in 24 hours that I’ve worked for in a year.


  8. Momma January 23, 2013 at 4:14 pm #

    I need to shed more fat as well…Louie’s fat butt is lying on me right now. He’s purring his heart out cause I’m home from work today with nothing to do but net surf…I must try this 20 min. workout and hope I can get past my plato of 177 lbs..I’ll let you know how it goes.


    • Jackie January 29, 2013 at 3:28 am #

      you and Louie should work out together. He could use it more than you.

      Try the Shred! Seriously!


  9. themainattraction01 January 23, 2013 at 6:36 pm #

    I reiterate what iiphotoart said, your grumbles made me chuckle. Although I want to encourage people to look at my blog, I suggest you don’t. I’d be upset if I saw another post saying she’s an asshole. Keep up the good work! X


    • Jackie January 29, 2013 at 3:27 am #

      I’ve read this comment more times than I’d like to admit and I’m still confused. I can’t look at your blog because…something about someone writing a post about an asshole. I expected to find a post of your cat but all the posts I read were food-inspired. Which is why I followed you. Yesssss


      • themainattraction01 February 6, 2013 at 3:36 pm #

        Nooooo, because I read on your post you were dieting and all my posts are more or less about cakes, I thought I would be the next asshole in your blog 🙂 so happy you are following though


        • Jackie February 7, 2013 at 2:03 am #

          ooooh. get it. sometimes a little bit of stupid spills on me. sorry about that.

          cakes never make me upset. 😉


  10. wickedandweirdaroundtheworld January 24, 2013 at 8:42 am #

    Totally relate to ceilings falling down – though I think I’ve dodged the last place I lived in just in time – that bathroom floor was rotting, so I’m pretty sure the new tenants will one day be greeted by a bathtub crashing into the kitchen. Heh. Suckers.


    • Jackie January 29, 2013 at 3:22 am #

      ahaha poor downstairs neighbors. I’ve started to look at my entire apartment as a death trap since the wall started leaking. I’m even finally getting renter’s insurance. I’ve got a one way ticket to paranoia crazytown.


  11. klsprout January 24, 2013 at 1:06 pm #

    You go, girl. Let that grumpy flag fly proudly! I don’t feel as thought I have permission to be grumpy, as I have a long, ongoing history of depression, so when I get grumpy, it’s because I’m ‘unstable’. Anyhoo – I do Gillian’s 30-Day Shred, and I love it!


    • Jackie January 29, 2013 at 3:21 am #

      Oh, how scary to not be able to get the grumps for fear it start a downward spiral. If I were you I’d weigh 500 pounds trying to ward off the grumps with food. But you’re obviously not since you The Shred 🙂 2 more days to go on level 2 for me!


      • klsprout January 29, 2013 at 7:25 am #

        Alright! I won’t say that I haven’t hurled a choice word or two at Jillian while doing the Shred stuff. I HATE those v-fly squats… Good luck!


  12. klsprout January 24, 2013 at 1:08 pm #

    Sorry this got on here twice…. Rookie.


    • Jackie January 29, 2013 at 3:20 am #

      no problem – I cleaned it up 😉


  13. ryanneasa February 12, 2013 at 5:03 pm #

    Reblogged this on Walk With A Witch and commented:
    There’s something about this post, that had me in hysterrrrrics.


  14. freelancingkelly February 28, 2013 at 11:41 am #

    Okay, this right here “All you have to do is think of the kind of person you would like to be in a year and then pick one thing related to that goal that you can do every single day that will get you closer to that person in a year. And then, you know, do it. ” was super-motivating for me just now!

    I read this entry because I myself am in a sour mood. and after those awesome words…sour mood diverted. Thanks, Jackie!


    • Jackie March 5, 2013 at 1:33 pm #

      Thanks, kelly – It looks like I’ll be gearing up for a 30-day challenge for readers soon. Maybe you can join us! 🙂 So glad this served as a pick-me-up for you. Thanks for reading.


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