For the Love of All Things Holy, Please Don’t Take My Lollipops

1 May

I’m developing a problem.

Okay, I’ve had a problem for a while and I’ve only recently watered down my stubbornness enough to taste the truth of it: I have a serious affinity for sugar.

I know, I know – big surprise. I suppose my love letters to Cap’n Crunch, Ben and Jerry, and anything white, doughy, and delicious over the years have made it obvious to everyone but me. The truth set in last week, which was just one of several completely ordinary weeks in which Dave suggested I had a sugar problem. I don’t really pay attention to him but it was something like “snarfle snarfle diabetes snarfle”. It wasn’t until I was in the midst of pouring chocolate syrup from the economy-size jug onto a table-size spoon with a course set directly for my belly that I actually heard the whole “diabetes” thing in between the snarfles.

It occurred to me that it might be helpful to know what the daily recommended maximum of sugar is for a human such as myself. The answer is the amount equal to the spoonful of syrup I was about to swallow. That doesn’t count the other spoonful from earlier in the day, the yogurt I had afterward, the lollipops I suck on to keep myself from aggressively attacking people when I’m angry, or the bag of M&Ms I would sneak into my bag at the store later.

Apparently this is not an acceptable way to go about my daily activities, in spite of the fact that instead of supplementing my sugar dosage with pizza and kids’ cereal, I’m now rocking whole grains and vegetables. And I’m running and stuff. But now I’m starting to get ever-so-slightly concerned. I’ve been under the understanding that working out, meeting a calorie count, and making healthier choices was going to put me on the track for being in the best shape of my life by the end of the year. As it turns out, those things will help, but I’m supposed to only have one lollipop a day, and that’s only if I really, really must. The chocolate syrup injections should probably inch their way out of the equation as well.

I’m pretty upset about this. It’s like the time I read Skinny Bitch and spend 8 months as a vegetarian (until Thanksgiving, thankyouverymuch); I don’t want to hear this truth but I’ve heard it and I can’t unhear it and NO ONE TOLD ME THEY WERE GOING TO TAKE AWAY MY SUGAR.

Honestly, people – isn’t a couch potato committing to a 5K and eating more broccoli enough anymore? 

Last night I rebelled, like a kid at camp in Heavy Weights. I went to the store, bought an entire loaf of Italian bread, a bag of M&Ms, a bag of lollipops and more milk in which I can pour even more chocolate. 

So this Saturday I run my very first 5K (or attempt to, rather) and that will wrap up April’s fitness focus. It appears May is going to focus on sugar. Which means I’m probably going to get less done, be grumpier while I do it, and attempt to fill these gaps in my life with some other terrible vice. Who knows what it may be. One lollipop less per day could mean one more serious act of violence. One forgone spoonful of syrup could translate to cussing and profanities of all kinds. It’s possible that the only thing making me a marginally pleasant, somewhat successful human being is my affair with sugar. Without it, I’m quite certain I’m just a regular, exhausted, pessimistic schlump of a thing.

I’m worried about May, people. Real worried. This could be the month I fall off the wagon.

…and dive into a swimming pool of sugar in literal sweet rebellion.

Growing up is hard. It’s always just so hard. 


Me, circa next week.


23 Responses to “For the Love of All Things Holy, Please Don’t Take My Lollipops”

  1. Jules May 1, 2013 at 12:39 pm #


    Chocolate syrup isn’t even real chocolate. It’s just liquid sugar engineered to taste like chocolate because science is cool like that.

    Roughly two teaspoons of sugar goes in my morning tea. (full disclosure)

    Try to keep your sweet tooth in wholesome fruit form. The way nature intended.

    You can always make your own.


    • Jackie May 7, 2013 at 2:39 am #

      Do you really only have sugar in your tea and that’s it for the day? you’re done? au naturale the rest of the way?

      What are you even made of? You’re not human.


      • Jules May 7, 2013 at 12:10 pm #

        OK! I eat cookies too. Potato chips are also a guilty pleasure. I like nutella slathered on my toast. I didn’t want to mention it because those calories are just a drop in the ocean. (for me) You think I’m rubbing it in.


  2. Katherine Gordy Levine May 1, 2013 at 12:51 pm #

    I refuse to give up chocolate. But at 76, I figure I need to cling to some pleasures as a few others fade away. Hearing for example. Good luck. Now why I am really commenting. Time you got a pinit button on your share list. I pinned you but it took time and time is now very precious. Here’s the pin, that you for the laughs.


    • Jackie May 7, 2013 at 2:38 am #

      At 76 you can do whatever you like. Time is precious indeed – thanks for donating it. I’ll make adding a pin button my next to do 🙂 ❤


  3. LisaR @ Who Stole My Baby? May 1, 2013 at 1:22 pm #

    My husband and I are on a sugar fast right now. It’s hard. However, it turns out that raisins (which I don’t really like) taste AMAZING when you’re not eating anything sweet. Who knew.


    • Jackie May 7, 2013 at 2:37 am #

      when I was fasting, I never knew everything was as delicious as it is. a good cleansing of the palate will do everyone some good. but man is it harrrd.


  4. whatwouldnadiado May 1, 2013 at 5:04 pm #

    At last, someone who feels my pain…or soon, anyway. Sugar cessation is almost as bad as stopping smoking is to me. Seriously. Since my sugar mania has reached all-time heights this week, it’s time to (try) quit again and face a whole lot of withdrawal symptoms. Good luck.


    • Jackie May 7, 2013 at 2:36 am #

      here’s what I’ve gathered from the beautiful readers so far: natural sugar for fake sugar, eat more fruit, go slowly.

      this blows.


  5. bikerchick57 May 1, 2013 at 9:42 pm #

    I feel your pain. I am a sugarholic through and through. I found that by not eating dairy or gluten (which I do due to health reasons), I stay away from the worst of refined sugar. I also replace the sugar in my coffee and protein shakes with stevia. I have to work on reducing sugar intake further, because the sweet tooth is still there – I crave sweet every day.

    I’ll get my pompoms out and shake them for you during the month of May. You can do it!


    • Jackie May 7, 2013 at 2:36 am #

      there’s another vote for a better sweetener. maybe there’s something to this 😉


  6. pfstare May 2, 2013 at 7:34 am #

    I am ok as long as no-one takes my crisps (chips). You can have the lollipops!


    • Jackie May 7, 2013 at 2:35 am #

      oh, maybe I could just swap sugar for fat. and then swap fat for… I don’t know. but it’s a start.


  7. jbudak May 2, 2013 at 8:58 am #

    I’m also a sugar fiend. Not just sugar, carbs in general. My almost 2 year old is too. His vocabulary includes candy, pizza, and pop. Those are the only foods he knows the names of. I wonder when my Mom of the Year trophy is getting delivered…

    My philosophy is the healthy stuff cancels out the sugar. So far, so good.


    • Jackie May 7, 2013 at 12:44 am #


      Well, I’ve done a pretty decent job of cutting out soda over the past few months but it was pretty difficult. I guess for your philosophy to work though, I’m going to have to actually eat some more healthy stuff. A lot more healthy stuff.

      Le sigh.


  8. jbudak May 2, 2013 at 9:01 am #

    P.S. Forget the chocolate syrup and melt some good quality chocolate chips in the microwave. Much more satisfying.


    • Jackie May 7, 2013 at 12:43 am #

      I don’t have a microwave. I’m a conscientious objector.


  9. mistressofpoetry May 2, 2013 at 9:18 am #

    You can thank the “food” manufacturers that fuel the American diet for your taste for sugar. They put it in everything, along with salt and MSG with its varying names. If you need chocolate, try just one cube of dark chocolate a day for your fix (DARK chocolate is actually good for you), and I agree with the above to keep the sweet stuff in fruit form. I sometimes enjoy a whole plate of cut up mixed fruits and melons as a meal or even a snack. Oh and this summer you’ll probably find me with a bowl of real cherries on the stem most days, side by side with fresh peaches and… and… mmmmmmm *drools*. Can’t wait for the fruit stands to open up in full. 🙂 I’ve also found a new affinity in coconut water, and it tastes oh so sweet and delicious, and there’s only a small amount of natural sugar. It’s like a trip to the islands with every sip, and it is OH SO GOOD FOR YOU! Tons of very important potassium which we never seem to get quite enough of, and you’re going to need that after running a 5K.


    • Jackie May 7, 2013 at 12:41 am #

      I tried the dark chocolate thing today but it was six pieces, not one. I also supplemented it with several lollipops.

      Fruit? Okay. So: suggestions from my beautiful readers thus far: go slowly, use natural sugar substitutes, eat fruit. I shall arm myself with these like weapons.


  10. mllaurie May 3, 2013 at 3:13 am #

    Honey, I went vegan 2 years ago after reading Skinny Bitch (which, by the way, I heard of on this here blog.) Like you said, you can’t unhear the truth once it’s heard. But I can’t give up sugar. No way, uh-uh, you can’t make me. I’ve been using agave nectar more, though, which is really sweet, but doesn’t affect the blood sugar as much as refined sugar. Off to bake some cupcakes and eat icing from the bowl…


    • Jackie May 7, 2013 at 12:39 am #

      Maybe I’ll try a two-pronged approach. I’ll try to step off the white powder slowly, while finding more suitable substitutions to help keep my passion at bay. I may be overreaching on this one.


  11. thesinglecell May 5, 2013 at 6:07 pm #

    I give up sugar every year for Lent. And I go hardcore, so I totally understand what you’re facing. But since you don’t have to go cold turkey immediately, you could just follow a step-down plan. Healthy sugars are better than refined sugars, so maybe when you have a monster craving for sweetness, munch on some raisins. Unless you hate raisins. Then try grapes. I know it’s no Hershey’s on a spoon, but it helps.


    • Jackie May 7, 2013 at 12:37 am #

      I’m definitely going to have to go slow because by the time I looked up the max daily allowance today as a reminder, I had already ingested twice that amount. This is going to be a long hard journey. Thanks for the tip!


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