Tag Archives: sugar

For the Love of All Things Holy, Please Don’t Take My Lollipops

1 May

I’m developing a problem.

Okay, I’ve had a problem for a while and I’ve only recently watered down my stubbornness enough to taste the truth of it: I have a serious affinity for sugar.

I know, I know – big surprise. I suppose my love letters to Cap’n Crunch, Ben and Jerry, and anything white, doughy, and delicious over the years have made it obvious to everyone but me. The truth set in last week, which was just one of several completely ordinary weeks in which Dave suggested I had a sugar problem. I don’t really pay attention to him but it was something like “snarfle snarfle diabetes snarfle”. It wasn’t until I was in the midst of pouring chocolate syrup from the economy-size jug onto a table-size spoon with a course set directly for my belly that I actually heard the whole “diabetes” thing in between the snarfles.

It occurred to me that it might be helpful to know what the daily recommended maximum of sugar is for a human such as myself. The answer is the amount equal to the spoonful of syrup I was about to swallow. That doesn’t count the other spoonful from earlier in the day, the yogurt I had afterward, the lollipops I suck on to keep myself from aggressively attacking people when I’m angry, or the bag of M&Ms I would sneak into my bag at the store later.

Apparently this is not an acceptable way to go about my daily activities, in spite of the fact that instead of supplementing my sugar dosage with pizza and kids’ cereal, I’m now rocking whole grains and vegetables. And I’m running and stuff. But now I’m starting to get ever-so-slightly concerned. I’ve been under the understanding that working out, meeting a calorie count, and making healthier choices was going to put me on the track for being in the best shape of my life by the end of the year. As it turns out, those things will help, but I’m supposed to only have one lollipop a day, and that’s only if I really, really must. The chocolate syrup injections should probably inch their way out of the equation as well.

I’m pretty upset about this. It’s like the time I read Skinny Bitch and spend 8 months as a vegetarian (until Thanksgiving, thankyouverymuch); I don’t want to hear this truth but I’ve heard it and I can’t unhear it and NO ONE TOLD ME THEY WERE GOING TO TAKE AWAY MY SUGAR.

Honestly, people – isn’t a couch potato committing to a 5K and eating more broccoli enough anymore? 

Last night I rebelled, like a kid at camp in Heavy Weights. I went to the store, bought an entire loaf of Italian bread, a bag of M&Ms, a bag of lollipops and more milk in which I can pour even more chocolate. 

So this Saturday I run my very first 5K (or attempt to, rather) and that will wrap up April’s fitness focus. It appears May is going to focus on sugar. Which means I’m probably going to get less done, be grumpier while I do it, and attempt to fill these gaps in my life with some other terrible vice. Who knows what it may be. One lollipop less per day could mean one more serious act of violence. One forgone spoonful of syrup could translate to cussing and profanities of all kinds. It’s possible that the only thing making me a marginally pleasant, somewhat successful human being is my affair with sugar. Without it, I’m quite certain I’m just a regular, exhausted, pessimistic schlump of a thing.

I’m worried about May, people. Real worried. This could be the month I fall off the wagon.

…and dive into a swimming pool of sugar in literal sweet rebellion.

Growing up is hard. It’s always just so hard. 


Me, circa next week.

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