U.U.S.S.

20 Jan

My battle with underarm unpleasantries runs my life.

In fact, I would almost call it dehabilitating.  Really.  If I could make one of those terrible pharmaceutical commericals, I would show people from all age brackets beyond puberty dealing with the heavy, personal burden of underarm skunk, barred up in their bedrooms out of fear.  After a montage of these folks being suddenly accosted by the sweat storm brewing in their greasy pits, I would offer solace – a golden beacon of light behind a perfect antiperspirant, one offering both salvation from wetness and odor.

Unfortunately, this product does not actually exist.

Really – it can’t.  It can’t possibly exist.  Because I’m pretty darn sure I’ve tried everything – women’s, men’s, spray on, rub on, powder, prescription, clinical strength-and I still trust no product enough to be able to shop for blouses in confidence.

You know what I’m talking about.   There are certain materials that are not underarm friendly and as a result cannot be purchased by sufferers of U.U.S.S. (Unavoidable Underarm Skunk and Swamp).    Thin cotton? Forget it.  Fine Silk? Ruined in 30 minutes.  My pits are an unstoppable sweaty stinky force to be reckoned with.

I once knew a girl who had a procedure to remove the sweat glands from her underarms.  It sounded to me like absolute euphoria.   I could imagine no greater aspiration than my freedom from the cold, lonley cage of pit perils.

I later found out that a natural side effect of removing underarm sweat glands is increased perspiration in other areas of the body.  Gross.

Once, last year, I thought I would try the complete opposite and see if it helped my cause.  Yes, that’s correct; I went an entire day with absolutely no underarm aid whatsoever.  Just fresh, clean, Jackie dew.  And you know what? I was actually all right.  For some reason I sweated less, and the sweat that I had didn’t even stink.   I was startled and confused.

Of course, I dropped the practice the very next day for fear that I had finally flung over the full-fledged hippie fence and I haven’t looked back since.

Next thing you know, I’d stop shaving my underarms and start a nice set of dreds.  My family would undoubtedly disown me.  I’m toeing the line as it is.

And so I must trudge on with my personal burden.  It is mine to carry and so I shall.  Long gone are the days when I could slather on “Teen Spirit” and a smile to face my day.   I’ve reached a new chapter in my life.   And until I turn on the T.V. to a sincere female voice describing my social inhibitions and everyday struggles as a result of U.U.S.S., followed by a brilliant beam of light and a life-saving product, it appears this new chapter will be a damp one. 

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12 Responses to “U.U.S.S.”

  1. liannouwen January 20, 2011 at 9:54 am #

    Have you ever tried Odorex dry? Not sure they sell it all over the world but it works like magic!

    Like

    • Jackie January 20, 2011 at 5:39 pm #

      I haven’t, but darnit if I can find it I’ll try it 🙂 Thanks for the note!

      Like

  2. pegoleg January 20, 2011 at 2:22 pm #

    I’m a big fan, but was unable to get past “underarm skunk” and “sweat storm brewing in greasy pits.” Leaving blog to vomit, but with no lessening of literary appreciation.

    Like

    • Jackie January 20, 2011 at 5:40 pm #

      Haha – so sorry to have that effect on you. I have to admit I grossed myself out a little as well. Perhaps I got a little over the top with my hatred of sweat? 🙂 I’ll have something more pleasant tomorrow. Deal? Thanks so much for stopping by!

      Like

  3. Jer January 22, 2011 at 2:45 pm #

    Being a male in the family, I have to state that I have a totally contrary perspective of the sweat glands and its excretions. I find that the more a man sweats the more manly he is. Also, did you know that pheromones are contained in these excretions? I have found more compliments on how good I smell when I go deodorant free than when I go with it. “You smell really good. What are you wearing?” “Oh that’s just me. =)” Of course, this scent, while able to attract members of the opposite sex, also acts almost as a skunk like deterrent in the nostrils of a member of the same sex. “Dude you smell!”

    My suggestion, harvest the pheromones from your sweaty excretions and sell em off for money. People pay top dollar for pheromones. 😉

    Like

    • Jackie January 23, 2011 at 2:11 am #

      Well, as I’ve stated on my blog before, I’m always up for an easy million on an awesome invention.

      So if all I have to do is bottle my stench and market it to others, I’m all in.

      …But I’m not so convinced it will go over well 😉

      Like

    • Jackie January 27, 2011 at 11:33 pm #

      tried, failed miserably.

      Like

  4. sheila January 27, 2011 at 7:46 pm #

    have you ever heard of crystal stick deodorant? i have organic-type friends who swear by it.

    Like

    • Jackie January 27, 2011 at 11:32 pm #

      they’re called hippies. and I’ll try it! haha

      Like

  5. whimsyway April 12, 2011 at 4:12 am #

    I suffer from this as well. I look at celebrities in their sleeveless frocks, waving to the crowds and feel such jealousy…not for being rich, famous, and beautiful, but for being able to bare their underarms without incident. Maybe they have Botox injections. The only thing that has made even a little difference for me is Lady Mitchum. It doesn’t kill all the wetness, but I no longer have to worry about odour. It’s more powerful than the so-called clinical strength stuff. The crystal stick thing…you might as well rub some gravel on your underarms for all the good it does.

    Like

    • Jackie April 17, 2011 at 1:11 am #

      I know! I KNOW!! How can they wear costumes and film 12 hours a day and not sweat through their arm pits? And how can they wave at those glamorous award shows without revealing even just a tiny bit of wetness?

      It’s gotta be injections. And after learning that you sweat more other places once you can’t sweat in your pits, I guess I’d rather settle for U.U.S.S.

      Lady Mitchum works periodically – I have to switch up my sticks to keep my pits confused. And clinical strength is a ten dollar joke.

      Like

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