Someone’s Pants Are on Fire.

3 Apr

I’ve been lied to.

I remember distinctly the day I learned weather patterns and how they corresponded with the months of the year.  It was very straightforward.  December-February is Winter, March-May is Spring, June-August is Summer, September to November is Autumn.

What a load of crap.

Honestly, I can’t remember the last time winter was over in February.  Or when it waited until December to start.  In fact, winter is launching an all-out attack on every other season.  It starts snowing in October, ruining Halloween for everyone and making it much hard for all the slutty sluts to dress like slutty sluts for their Halloween costumes for fear of frost bite.

Alice in Wonderland was much more modestly dressed than contemporary costumes would have us believe.

Somehow, winter manages to start its terror way back in October, ruin all the beautiful changing trees, and then goes full-force until March.  MARCH!  What a ripoff.    The same lying grade school teacher taught us all that March “comes in like a lion and out like a lamb”.   We had to draw pictures to match what we learned – we all set to coloring up a storm of tragedy to symbolize the beginning of March and a world of peace with no hunger and poverty to symbolize the end.

Or maybe I just took the lesson too literally.

Either way, it was a load of bull.  Not even a week ago, there was a hailstorm in my town so enormous that people’s cars were dented.  The weather was so freaky-deaky that a tornado managed to touch down right outside the city, flatten 9 houses, and rip the roof of a high school.

I’ve never seen a lamb do that.

Not only do I feel cheated by my grade school education, but I’m just generally angry that I believed the lies for so long.  This year, I’m putting the falsehoods away.  Let’s be honest: winter is a terrible, raging villain that has consumed 6 months of our year.  From October to March we are grumpy, frigid human beings.    We like to pretend that it’s reserved for Christmas time and the little bump of months surrounding the holiday, but we’re all lying to ourselves.  If we just admit that half our year is blanketed with cold and misery, maybe someday we can learn to accept it.   Or move to Florida, where all the people go who figured this out years ago.

I just had Raisin Bran for breakfast and I totally liked it.  I’m only a few old-person stages away from heading south myself. 

image

Old Man Winter: What a jerkface. Image by designer Edgar R. McHerly. Click the image to head to tilteed.com, where you can snag his stuff on cool tees.

 

P90X Update: 3/90.  Ow. That is all.

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8 Responses to “Someone’s Pants Are on Fire.”

  1. Lori April 3, 2011 at 7:18 pm #

    Welcome to being old! Bedtimes and early wakeup times are where it’s at. Combine that with old people food for breakfast (steel cut oats, half a grapefruit, cup of tea)… and we’re nearly 80!

    Like

    • Jackie April 6, 2011 at 4:35 pm #

      Mark my words: I will never like grapefruit.

      Like

  2. Jules April 4, 2011 at 1:15 am #

    It’s all about honey bunches of oats w/ almonds! I have mine with vanilla soy milk.
    om nom nom

    P.s. The fat man who comes down your chimney ain’t real. Sorry to break it to yah.

    Like

  3. Jules April 4, 2011 at 1:18 am #

    Also, just move to California. Weather is perfect here.

    Like

  4. Don't Make That Face April 4, 2011 at 12:41 pm #

    I live in WI. I feel your pain. It’s gotten to the point that I’m starting to just get pissed off by the weather. If I could look Mother Nature in the face, I’d give her some Midol and tell her to quit being such a bitch. It’s always about her. Me, me, me. Get over yourself Mother Nature, you a-hole.

    Like

    • Jackie April 6, 2011 at 4:32 pm #

      Absolutely agreed.

      Like

  5. Faith A. Geek April 11, 2011 at 6:22 pm #

    Well said! Or written? Either way. I’ve had a cold all winter long and I’m getting frustrated by now because I know that if I just had a few hours of sun it would go away. But no. Where I live we have windstorms. I went to visit family in another state over the weekend. Another state that is supposedly warmer than the one I live in. It rained/snowed all weekend long. I think I might just join you in Florida.

    Like

    • Jackie April 17, 2011 at 1:23 am #

      I know! I had some hope yesterday because it was glooorious outside. But then today it was cold, sleet-like, windy, and disgusting. So. Lame.

      You wanna look up flights or should I? 😉

      Like

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