An Expert of Sorts

4 Apr
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Yesterday I ventured over to my local grocery store to partake of the fine conveniences of being an American: that is, having other people gather food in a central location so I can just pay them for it instead of getting it myself.

It’s awesome.

I immediately found myself sucked into the beauty that is the “10 for 10” deal.  That’s right: 10 items for 10 dollars.  That’s only one perfectly rounded dollar each.

This time it was on mangoes.

I’ll be honest: I don’t really care for mangoes.  I’m not against them, necessarily, but I don’t go to the store expecting to come home with a mango. But let’s face it – if you slap a $1 dollar deal on a pile of milarchy, I’ll walk out of the store with it.

So I’m over in the mango section, admiring the beautiful roundness of their hides, when I realized I have absolutely no idea how to tell if a mango is ripe.  As I eyed them over suspiciously, I was interrupted by a middle-aged woman who had no interest in nonsense.  She asked if I knew how to tell if a mango was ripe.  I told her it was a funny thing to ask because I was just there thinking I didn’t have the slightest clue myself.  And that’s when she said it:

“Oh.  You looked like you would know.”

I looked like I would know?  Let me paint a picture for you.  I typically head to the store looking like a hobo.  If I have to go do something adult-like and responsible, I’m sure as heck not about to do it all dressed up like it.    On this particular day, I was sporting a pair of sweatpants from high school that I cut half the legs off of.  I paired it with a very old, very much Dave’s, black hooded sweatshirt with little holes worn in the sleeves for my thumbs, which I put my thumbs through thank-you-very-much.  I topped it all off with a pair of sneakers I’ve had since freshman year of college.

This lady had low standards for melon experts.

I don’t have a good working knowledge of produce.  Up until a few months ago, I didn’t even know what a real, genuine green bean looked like.

I struggle.

But inspired by the idea that I look like the kind of person who might know about these things, I continued about the produce section, pretending to be an expert of various sorts.  I made up ways to tell whether or not things were prime for picking, and made ridiculous conjectures.  I looked  bok choy in the face and pretended I knew what it was.   I also ended up buying a lot of produce.  I probably spent twenty minutes just browsing around in character and it was glorious.

And then I remembered: this is why I don’t shop without Dave.

P90X Update: 4/90 complete.  Hey.  86 more days is a long time to have to do this crap. Why, why, why, why did I decide to do this?



11 Responses to “An Expert of Sorts”

  1. tinkerbelle86 April 4, 2011 at 10:11 am #

    hahaha i struggle too, i totally get this!


  2. KristenSays April 4, 2011 at 10:48 am #

    OMG! My husband, who is also named Dave, has only recently “allowed” me to go grocery shopping by myself. He is an amazing cook, and a grocery store is like heaven for him. For me, it’s one of the most intimidating places I’ve ever been to. So I tend to buy all things frozen or in some other way already prepared for me. And if it’s not an apple or celery, forget it. I have No idea how to tell if it’s ripe or fresh or whatever it is. So I feel your pain.

    P.S. were any of the mangoes actually ripe?! 🙂

    P.P.S. Congrats on 4 days down with P90X!


    • Jackie April 4, 2011 at 11:24 am #

      That’s so cool! And I have no idea if any of them were ripe. I really have no idea whatsoever.

      Thanks for the P90X grats. Results would be nice. I must be patient. 🙂


  3. pegoleg April 4, 2011 at 11:08 am #

    I can just picture you wandering around the produce section, squeezing and thumping the goods with an intent expression. All good until management asked you to stop torturing the fruit.

    BTW, I don’t believe mangoes are in the melon family. But I bow to your expertise, as you “look like you would know”.


    • Jackie April 4, 2011 at 11:23 am #

      damn your keen eye and intelligence, Peg.

      You’re absolutely correct. My ignorance has been made even more evident.


      • pegoleg April 4, 2011 at 11:54 am #

        My keen eye and intelligence have been damned by some of the best.


  4. Don't Make That Face April 4, 2011 at 12:37 pm #

    Lol! It’s better than looking like a cucumber expert, like some sort of grocery store slut!


    • Jackie April 6, 2011 at 4:32 pm #

      I laughed out loud at this – thanks 🙂


  5. Jules April 4, 2011 at 2:16 pm #

    What did the mangoes look like?


    • Jackie April 6, 2011 at 4:33 pm #

      round… fruit-like…red, yellow, green….


  6. alittleteteatete April 4, 2011 at 11:02 pm #

    haha I love this!!


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