Life As a Suck-Banshee

15 Apr

Yesterday I failed at a variety of rudimentary human skills.

It was one of those really rough days. The kind where you put the milk in the cupboard and the cereal inthe fridge, put your underwear on backwards, and confidently walk out your front door.

It still amazes me that in spite of the fact that I do these things with a high level of frequency, I can still completely foil my attempts at basic higher functions. Later in the afternoon, I failed at chewing. I actually failed to masticate properly. Enjoying a simple lunch at my desk, I bit down fast and hard on the left side of my inner cheek.

There’s nothing like eating yourself from the inside to make you feel like a motor skills master.

My day was littered with these little nuggets of suckery. I reached for the grape jam from the fridge and pulled out grape juice instead. I had difficulty navigating the contents of my purse. At moments in conversation, my brain suffered severe meltdowns wherein I was unable to even communicate anything at all. Instead, I just stared straight ahead catatonic.

The worst part was the communication breakdown. It felt as if everything I said was misinterpreted as offensive or awkward. Basic sentence-forming didn’t come easy, so social graces were out of the question entirely. I ended the day feeling as if everything I came in contact with throughout my day
was tainted by my stupidity. Somehow, I was jaunting through the universe sucking intelligence from every interaction I had.

I was a big, fat, suck-banshee.

But you know what? That’s okay. I mean, I only wished I would have caught on earlier. Little can be done in retrospect, but had I noticed it happening along the way, I might’ve deduced some way to harness this power. I’m not sure how, but there’s gotta be a way to apply that temporary skill set. I
will have to devote my time to discovering practical applications.

Then the next time I find warm milk in the cupboard, I can know that my stupidity will be a force to be reckoned with and I am about to achieve great things. 

P90X Update: Super fail.  Didn’t do anything yesterday but eat cookies.  Houseguests have thrown me off my routine and I’m headed to my parents’ this weekend.  I shall find abandoned wagon and hop back on Monday.  And feel like a fat slug until then. 


10 Responses to “Life As a Suck-Banshee”

  1. ancaparema April 15, 2011 at 9:57 am #

    I loved this post about suckery! My favorite moment in suck was when I was holding my cell phone and a cold cup of coffee. I put it in the microwave, pressed the “one minute” button and took a reflective sip of coffee before pressing “start.” That was when I realized that if my coffee was in my hand, then the cell phone was in the microwave… happily I figured it out before pressing start!


    • Jackie April 17, 2011 at 12:41 am #

      oooooh lucky you. But it certainly would have been a colorful display. Thanks for the laugh 🙂


  2. Jules April 15, 2011 at 12:12 pm #

    We can always count on ourselves to be self-critical. The greatness of being us is that everyone is guilty of these dumb mistakes. The majority just opts out of posting them publicly. Kudos to you Jackie.

    I’ll be over here spooning some salt in my morning tea. k thx!


    • Jackie April 17, 2011 at 12:38 am #

      1) Thanks a lot 🙂 2) I HATE the salt/sugar mix up.


  3. The_Observationalist_NYC April 15, 2011 at 9:32 pm #

    Is it any wonder we’re going through a Mercury Retrograde right now?


    • Jackie April 17, 2011 at 12:38 am #

      I could Google that, but I won’t. I’ll give you the opportunity to enlighten me 😉


  4. Robin Waller April 16, 2011 at 11:10 am #

    Have I been rubbing off on you? Today is one of those days for me, this is now my 4th attempt at leaving a reply. Sometimes you just want to crawl back in bed and pull the sheets up and call it a day!!But remember it’s the valleys that make the hills, and as long as your still breathing there is a better day waiting for you!!


    • Jackie April 17, 2011 at 12:37 am #

      I wish we could just go back to bed on those days. It would seriously help with the public displays of idiocy I tend to commit.


  5. Renee Mason April 16, 2011 at 1:26 pm #

    That is really weird; I had one of those days yesterday, too. I wish I’d coined suck banshee; the best I could come up with is “staring stupid”. I felt like some slack-jawed redneck trying to grasp the intricacies of trigonometry. People would speak to me and I simply couldn’t process, and it stayed like that all day! It definitely could be some astrological influence or gremlin, or, as another reader commented, that pesky Mercury retrograde.


    • Jackie April 17, 2011 at 12:30 am #

      Hey – I’m up for blaming it on whatever ya’ll want to blame it on. All I know is that there are days where I chronically fail. I can’t understand why we haven’t made a catchy term for it yet.


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