The First Oompa Loompa of Spring

16 Apr

I saw my first 2011 Oompa Loompa yesterday.

I’m not sure what kind of crazy juice these women are on that makes them think being orange is better than being pale, but it must be a delicious and powerful hallucinogen.  

I kind of applaud the chicks who get their orange glow from a bottle instead of a tanning booth.  At least they won’t be cancerous Oompa Loompas (a sad image indeed).  But these ones who go to a tanning booth over and over again until they’re extra crispy and emit an orange radioactive glow confuse me.  It doesn’t look natural, it doesn’t look sunkissed, and quite frankly it doesn’t look human.  Is that seriously considered to be more attractive than being pale?!

Okay, I’m just a little biased.  Not only because I prefer my Oompa Loompas to sing and stay in cult classics, but also because I have haddocks for legs.   I find absolutely nothing unattractive about pale skin.  Honestly.  I think it can be lovely.

When the final snow melted at long last, I did a jump of joy for the fact that I wouldn’t have to see those stupid freaking skinny black leggings anymore.  I’ve seen so many unattractive butts smooshed into a pair of leggings like casings around sausage that I could projectile vomit on cue just thinking about them.  

I remember I saw a girl about a month ago walking down a popular street who didn’t understand the difference between leggings and stockings.  For any of you are still confused, one is opaque and the other is transparent.   So there she was, walking in broad daylight down the sidewalk with a shirt that came just above her butt cheeks, which were glistening in the sun with a slight shade of black cast over them as if only a shadow.

I pointed it out to Dave, who promptly crashed the car.

Almost.

But now that winter has finally released its ugly, wretched claws from around our tired, scraggly necks, I have to exchange one ugly evil for another.   Leggings out, orange skin in.   For the past few nights, I’ve been lying awake in bed, trying to confront my newfound fear:

What if leggings don’t entirely disappear? What if they hang out for the transition of the season?! What if there is someone in my town who will wear leggings just slightly past their time and start orangifying themselves just slightly too early?  Upon such a sighting, the car swerve will not be a near crash.

It will be certain. 

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14 Responses to “The First Oompa Loompa of Spring”

  1. Ro April 16, 2011 at 11:20 am #

    Pale people, unite!! Paleness will be back in style. One day. And then they’ll all be jealous.

    Like

    • Jackie April 17, 2011 at 12:34 am #

      Yes. When we’re 60.

      Like

  2. misswhiplash April 16, 2011 at 11:22 am #

    Loved that Jackie..We have an Antiques Roadshow presenter who looks orange all the time even in winter. David Dickinson is his name, and he looks really naff! I am sure that he thinks he looks great but he looks moire like an orange jelly.
    It is not a nice colour and natural is far better

    loved the picture..is that your Dave?

    love P

    Like

    • Jackie April 17, 2011 at 12:34 am #

      The way you said “We have an Antiques Roadshow presenter”, I assume you’re in that line of work? I don’t want to beg personal information of you, so let me just say that if that’s even in the ballpark of what you do, that’s AWESOME.

      Love the crack about Dave 🙂 He’s far taller, whiter, and thick-legged. 😉

      Like

  3. KristenSays April 16, 2011 at 11:30 am #

    try being naturally pale in southern CA. people can be very nasty. but i’m holding out! no orange tan for me!

    now where did i put those leggings…

    Like

    • Jackie April 17, 2011 at 12:33 am #

      Hold out! Stay Strong! When you’re 60, it will be glorious.

      And truth be told, leggings are easier for me to stomach. Also, they kind of work for old ladies.

      Like

  4. wordsweneversaid April 16, 2011 at 1:12 pm #

    HA HA HA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    Oh my – that was too funny.

    I saw one yesterday on my way to work – skinny, bright orange with a hint of coffee and wearing black spandex bike shorts.

    It was – pretty bad.

    M.L.

    Like

    • Jackie April 17, 2011 at 12:31 am #

      ewwwww 😦 Someday I hope the trend finally disappears.

      Like

  5. Zenalicious Mommy April 17, 2011 at 8:01 pm #

    I’m all about the pale! I just love the Oompa Loompa analogy 😉

    Like

    • Jackie April 20, 2011 at 7:27 pm #

      Thanks!

      Like

  6. pegoleg April 18, 2011 at 10:18 am #

    At your age you can already tell the girls who tan a lot, can’t you? Wait until you’re all twice as old – can you say shoe leather? Love the skin you’re in!

    Like

    • Jackie April 20, 2011 at 7:25 pm #

      Yes! I see absolutely no point in praising skin damage. That’s all it is. All hail damaged skin cells.

      Like

  7. Don't Make That Face April 18, 2011 at 3:38 pm #

    So true. All of it. Tights do not equal leggings, ever.
    This weekend I saw a woman with her teenage daughter and the woman was squeezed into a pair of what I can only assume was her daughter’s skinny jeans. It not only looked extremely unattractive, but also extremely uncomfortable. She was one sneeze away from an Incredible Hulk incident.

    Like

    • Jackie April 20, 2011 at 7:22 pm #

      I find it amusing that it was the mother 🙂

      Like

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