Mystery McMuffin

22 Apr

File:Egg McMuffin.JPG

Yesterday I was accosted by the sudden need for an Egg McMuffin.

I thought about heading over to Starbucks, where they would happily microwave the same mess of egg for me but only the whites.  And with turkey bacon instead of ham.  And with a whole wheat English Muffin instead of a white one.

But that was a serious bastardization of the root of my desire.   Let’s get real – I wanted McDonald’s.   Those days are rare – and hard ones to get through – but we all have our crosses to bear.  I promptly B-lined for my local Mickey D’s and placed my order with the cashier:

Hi! Can I please have an Egg McMuffin sandwich?”

She looked at me confused, one eye seemingly wandering to the back of her head to consider the English language for a spell.   When her eye returned to me, she said “Ma’am – can you slow down? You want what now?”

…”An Egg McMuffin please”

She studied my face for a moment and repeated “O….kay…. an Egg….Mc…Muffin Meal.”

I politely stopped her – “Um, no, I just want the sandwich.  Not the meal.”

“Oooooh! Just the sandwich.   Okay.  An Egg McMuffin.”

She said the term “Egg McMuffin” as if it held some sort of mystery.  I don’t know what the problem was.  I mean, I was using their stupid freaking term for a muffin.  Trust me – I’d love to just ask for ham, egg, and cheese on an English Muffin, but you imbeciles insist on branding it with a prefix.   Sheetz does the same thing.  They’ve got shmagels and shmuffins but they don’t actually make you say the terms out loud.  Everything is done through touch screens because even they are embarrassed to speak the atrocities they’ve committed on the English language.    So if you make me say McMuffin, you’d better darn well recognize the term the first time around.  

I was, however, impressed with the turnaround time.  I no sooner handed her my hard-earned American dollars than she placed a hot Egg McMuffin in my hand as if she just kept them on a shelf behind her.   And then I realized – she does.

The problem came when I happily unwrapped it at my desk 10 minutes later and saw “Made with fresh-cracked eggs*” on the wrapper. 

You see, my discomfort lay in the asterisk.  The asterisk is the “j/k” of the grammar world.  Essentially, it’s a way for anyone to lie about anything whatsoever to people who don’t read fine print – which is pretty much everyone. 

Like this:

“MADE WITH REAL BEEF!*”

*LOL jk

It was when I saw the asterisk that I remembered how quickly she handed me the sandwich.  In retrospect, I should have pushed it back to her and said “No.  No, there’s no way you cracked two fresh eggs and cooked them into a perfect square in that amount of time.  I can’t even open an egg carton that quickly.  I will wait for you to crack and cook two fresh eggs.”

But I did not.  And at my desk, with the spongy egg rolling around in my mouth, I recalled pegoleg’s post (owner of a Freshly Pressed Triple Crown) about KFC’s mysterious honey sauce.    Maybe the cashier made me slow down and repeat myself so that I could think through my decision.  Maybe her eye was rolling backward into her socket so that she could face her moral dilemma.    Maybe she feels bad for serving instant eggs and asterisks.

That’s right – that’s what I cut out all fast food from my diet.  Because it super sucks. …Until the next time I get a real hankerin’

We all have our crosses to bear. 

P90X Update: Fail.  That is all.

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14 Responses to “Mystery McMuffin”

  1. Renee Mason April 22, 2011 at 10:11 am #

    I loved the backward wandering eye!It’s almost like these employees are in possession of a secret language and if you stray from it by one tiny letter, they pretend they don’t understand you. Perhaps they’re all from France.

    Like

    • Jackie April 23, 2011 at 12:43 pm #

      I’m not sure why anyone would come from France to work at McDonald’s in America, but if that’s the case maybe I can work on some sort of exchange program. I’ll go work at a McDonald’s in France in exchange for one member of the French society to come here and do the same.

      Like

  2. Zombie Poet April 22, 2011 at 10:53 am #

    I really enjoy your posts, very amusing. She probably slowed you down to find the picture of what you asked for on the terminal as they don’t even have words on them anymore.

    Like

    • Jackie April 23, 2011 at 12:42 pm #

      Hey thanks, Zomb. The terminal is just all pictures?! What do they do when they switch from breakfast to lunch – or are all the pictures on the register at all times? Why would they do that? I have so many questions. haha

      Like

  3. KristenSays April 22, 2011 at 1:22 pm #

    the wandering eye image reminds me of Men In Black. i’m pretty sure there was an alien under that human suit.

    and i *totally* understand your hankerin for fast food. i get it too. [note the asterisk used here was for emphasis, i am not j/k]

    Like

    • Jackie April 23, 2011 at 12:38 pm #

      haha thanks for making the distinction. I love the MIB allusion 🙂

      Like

  4. pegoleg April 22, 2011 at 1:49 pm #

    Are you really cutting out all fast food? Good for you – literally. Wish I didn’t crave that junk so much. It’s my drug of choice.

    ps thanks for the plug!

    Like

    • Jackie April 23, 2011 at 12:37 pm #

      I try really hard to not eat anything that has a drive-thru – but on a day like my McMuffin day, I will indulge. I’ve cut down a lot, but I have to admit that it has a lot to do with being in my early 20’s and having high cholesterol, which I find pathetic.

      And you’re welcome!

      Like

  5. Jules April 22, 2011 at 4:38 pm #

    Fast food ain’t so bad. It’s healthy to indulge on the “bad” stuff occasionally. Moderation is everything. Excuse me while I order a double-double animal style. Five guys go back where you came from. >:]

    Like

    • Jackie April 23, 2011 at 12:36 pm #

      Oh man, when I eat Five Guys burgers, I can feel myself clogging my arteries. At least Mickey D’s burgers have been under the heat lamp long enough for the grease to dry out. Oh gross. I need to go eat some celery or something.

      Like

  6. thesinglecell April 22, 2011 at 5:02 pm #

    Fast food is terrible, yes, but there are times when only heat-lamp warmth and day-glo cheese will do. I applaud your following your impulse. The Starbucks version would have left you disappointed, and likely given you zero blog inspiration!

    Like

    • Jackie April 23, 2011 at 12:34 pm #

      haha “day-glo cheese” 🙂 I like that I have readers who will applaud my eating McDonald’s.

      Like

  7. lexy3587 April 25, 2011 at 10:54 am #

    i agree about the whole McMuffin thing. If you know what I mean, even if it isn’t exactly what’s written your board, get it! I’d like to go into a Starbucks and order a small tea without being asked in response if I mean “tall”. Nope, tall sounds larger than what i want, i’d like your smallest size of cup, except for those tiny espresso shot things.

    Like

    • Jackie April 25, 2011 at 10:17 pm #

      Starbucks riddles me. I asked a barista what their fancy term was for my favorite drink and I memorized it. I’m simply a robot. I sound like a whiz, but I only know one drink. Grande Soy No Whip Mocha.

      Like

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