Salads Are for Rabbits and Baby Eaters

6 May
File:5aday salad.jpg


I hate salads.

The only way I’ll happily eat grass is if you dress it up so that I can’t recognize it as such.  I need chicken, cheese, and a creamy dressing – and let’s face it: by the time all that’s in the mix, it’s not healthy anymore so what’s the point of even trying.   I can find burgers with less calories than some salads.

I keep trying different dressings, different mixtures, different greens and it always reverts to the same miserable experience.  I don’t like rabbit food.  I was raised on cheese and grease and bread and that’s what I like.  Sad, but true.

Now I’m not so sure I can say I hate all salads. There are lots of types of salads and I’m not really sure what the term “salad” even means since there can be potato salad, fruit salad, etc.  Maybe salad is just a word for “miscellaneous stuff”.  Maybe fruit salad just means “miscellaneous fruit stuff”.

In that case, I don’t like salads because I can’t trust them.   Just because I like macaroni salad that I buy a local grocer doesn’t mean I’ll like your grandmother’s or your uncle’s, because I have absolutely no idea what those people are putting in it.   The one at my local grocer could make potato salad out of potatoes, mayonnaise and eggs and your grandmother could make it out of potatoes, mayonnaise and babies.

You can’t trust something with no boundaries.

I think I’m done trying.  I have shoved too many green and purple leaves down my throat and chugged water to keep them down.    I’ve bought fancy lettuce, baby lettuce, cheap lettuce, and pre-mixed lettuce.  I’ve tried 4 dollar salad dressings that go right in the trash.  Salads are stealing my money and my joy and I won’t have it any longer.  Today, I officially renounce salads.

Let the revolution begin



16 Responses to “Salads Are for Rabbits and Baby Eaters”

  1. Seasweetie May 6, 2011 at 9:22 am #

    Perhaps we need meat coats or bacon dresses as our uniforms in this revolution. Right there with you, Jackie. I keep trying because I know it’s “good for me” and I know I need to “lose 25 pounds” (oh wait, that last one shouldn’t be in quotation marks) but I just don’t like them – it feels like eating air. So I always find my good intentions surfacing at the grocery store and spending $7 on two bags of salad that in two weeks are two bags of green slime in my vegetable bin. Time to choose our weapons – I think I’ll go with the Slim Jim Beef Snack Stick.


    • Jackie May 7, 2011 at 11:56 am #

      I’ll talk to Lady Gaga’s stylist for the protest costumes. I love this comment – from the “eating air” to your retelling of lost money and rotting produce that plays over and over again at my apt. Thanks for sharing!


  2. pegoleg May 6, 2011 at 10:09 am #

    “Salad” is the magic password into the land of Make Believe. My husband piles Baco-Bits, cheese and half a jar of creamy dressing on a handful of iceburg and looks over at my dinner choice with a smug air of superiority. My Big Mac & fries is at least honest in its fatty goodness (and has less calories than the “salad”!)


    • Jackie May 7, 2011 at 11:55 am #

      OH MAN I love Bacon Bits. I used to spoon them out of the jar and eat them alone.

      …I guess that’s kind of disgusting.

      And you’re right, Peg – stick to the honest calories!


  3. KristenSays May 6, 2011 at 11:49 am #

    OK don’t hate me, but I love salads. in my defense, I also love Big Macs and fries [one of my true weaknesses] and Slim Jim Beef Snack Sticks.

    i’m gonna go eat that baby now…

    “get in my belly!”


    • Jackie May 7, 2011 at 11:54 am #

      You’re okay to like salads – I wish I were like you. That must be super awesome. And thanks for throwing in that you like fast food and beef sticks because it makes me not want to starve myself after reading that you like salads 😉

      Also, thank you for the Fat Bastard quote.


  4. Jules May 6, 2011 at 12:11 pm #

    Yep yep. Salads are the suck. Period. But don’t misunderstand… I love my vegetables. It’s just when they combine it into salad-form, that it manages to flick off my appetite button.

    You should try some of my family’s fruit salad. It’s the bomb. Like a flavor explosion in your mouth!


    • Jackie May 7, 2011 at 11:52 am #

      That’s so funny, Jules – I expected you to bring protest signs for this post and tell me I needed to eat salads whether I liked them or not 😛

      Mail me some fruit salad.


  5. Renee Mason May 6, 2011 at 1:20 pm #

    What is it about the produce section of a grocery store that seduces me into believing I will actually eat all those pretty colors I’m loading into my cart? The truth is, I’ll never eat them unless they’re buried under 500 calories of super blue cheese dressing! Well said, Jackie!


    • Jackie May 7, 2011 at 11:51 am #

      It’s the fresh smell and the bright colors – you’re right. And don’t get me wrong- I’ll cook them up every once in a while and I love me a good produce section. But a big bowl of raw grass just doesn’t get me going.


  6. thesinglecell May 6, 2011 at 3:27 pm #

    I wonder if you’re a fan of “The West Wing.” I recognize that you’re nearly 10 years younger than me, so maybe not, but this entry reminds me of a scene in which Toby tries to eat salad because he’s being yelled at regularly to eat salad. His rant when Charlie asks him what kind of salad it is: “I don’t know what kind of salad it is, okay? I’m eating a salad, I’m doing it, do I have to know the names? There’s no difference between them. It’s a bowl of weeds. Some of ’em have cheese, this isn’t the kind with cheese, does that answer your question? Man, how many years have you guys been, ‘Toby, you eat like a teenager.’ ‘Toby, that’s red meat.’ ‘That’s your second cigar.’ Here I am eating a salad, which, by the way you could cover this thing with barbecue sauce, it would still taste like the ground, and I’m getting heckle from the gallery!”

    I agree with you, by the way: salads are only good if they’re full of bad stuff.


    • Jackie May 7, 2011 at 11:51 am #

      Huge fan. Well, until Alan Alda got in the mix. I really tried to hang on to him but he just didn’t cut it for me. I love Bradley Whitford and I’m watching him now in my new obsession with Studio 60. You should check out the show if you aren’t familiar – it’s good stuff!


  7. The_Observationalist_NYC May 6, 2011 at 8:36 pm #

    OMG- I kinda love a good salad. I feel like I should have one tonight, since I’ve been at a film shoot all week, and tech rehearsals for a play for two weeks prior. I’ve happily been eating burgers, fries, pizza, bread products (morning pastries, so yummy!), and chocolate for far too long!

    And tonight, I think a bunch of us are going out for Chinese.

    I need a salad…


    • Jackie May 7, 2011 at 11:48 am #

      Let’s get this straight, Observe. You don’t ever “need” a salad. 🙂



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